I Remember...

This is today's prayer on my daily calendar:

Dear Lord, I thank You that You have made Yourself available to me.  By simply drawing close to You, You will draw close to me.  I come close to You now and ask that You would give me a deep sense of Your presence.  Sometimes I feel that my life is too much for me to handle.  At those times I need to be close to You more than ever.  I need to hear Your voice speaking to my heart that everything will be okay.  Help me to see my life from Your perspective.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  James 4:8 

I've had a sort of "crisis of faith" lately...thinking, God, where are you?  Why are you answering all these other people's prayers and not mine?  God, what about me? God, are you even there?  Like a petulant child, desperate for attention, for my 'prize' and for my own desires to be fulfilled.  I'm not gonna lie, I've been pretty pissed at times too.  Resentful and angry and bitter.  I've been sitting here pouting like my students do when they don't get their way or when I don't call on them or when they neeeeeed to tell me something (like 'so and so looked at me wrong') and I can't get to them swiftly enough.  

I've come a long way on my life's journey in some aspects and in others, well, I'm still growing.  I was watching Michelle Obama on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday yesterday and she said, she's still becoming.  That blew my mind.  She's an accomplished person - amazingly accomplished - and she's risen above SO much and here she is saying, I'm still becoming.  In other words, her growth is still happening.  That's so powerful.  That just hit me like - whoa - if *she* is still growing and becoming more of who she is - then yeah, it's OK for me!

That brings me back to my point - my daily prayer brought me to tears because I needed that.  I needed a reminder.  How do I draw near to you? Gratitude.  Come to me with thanks, I heard.  I began naming out loud all of my blessings and saying, I am grateful for (fill in the blank).  My husband.  I am grateful for my husband.  How many years did I pray for him?  Long before I knew him, long before I ever went through that first marriage, long before I went through the divorce, long before I went back to therapy to get myself back together again....and here he is.  My prayer was God, please give me a husband that won't give up on me and who will put in the work, no matter what.  A husband who will be strong enough to stand up for me, and strong enough to tell me to chill out, strong enough to cry and to love and to be my man through and through.  A husband who won't leave and who is faithful.  A husband who provides. A husband who will erase the hurt and insecurity of all the years of abuse and suffering.  A husband who when he looks at me - it's not a question how much he loves me - ever.  He is here.   

Looking back over my prayer journals - I wanted to teach.  I wanted to be making this salary and have benefits (I'm getting more specific now :) and to have a home of my own.  I wanted a few good friends that would stand by me and laugh with me and pray for me and support me and that I could do the same for.  I wanted a small group of people whom I could love and who would love me.  I had prayed for the things I have now and so I don't want to take any of that for granted.  Although my prayers have been very different the last four years...I remember.  I remember a time that I had longed for all that I have now.  I remember God.  You are faithful and while I may not get all the things I "want" - I have all the things I need.  You are still here and You still love me.

God, help me to remember when I'm losing sleep, changing explosive diapers, and having very little time to myself...when I'm lugging a diaper bag instead of a pretty, designer purse and when my pants won't fit right or when I'm covered in some sort of baby 'stuff" - help me remember how I prayed and how I longed for him/her.  

Help me remember when I'm inundated with contracts and demands from editors, publishers, etc.  When I'm writing, writing, writing and collecting all those checks and having to organize all the demands upon my time. Help me remember when this was all I wanted.  

You are always with me and maybe, just maybe, that's enough.  

P.S. Thank you God for reminding me that the blessings of others are a sign that you are here and working and not that I'm not getting what I want and life isn't about comparison.  Bless them, be happy for them and move forward with your own vision and your own knowing and your own becoming.  

I Keep Waiting...

I keep waiting for the pain to go away.
I keep waiting for the dream to officially die.
Just die already
I keep telling it.
JUST DIE
So I'll stop waiting.
So I'll stop wishing.
So I'll stop
wanting
something
I cannot
have.

I keep waiting for the longing to subside.
I keep waiting for the hope to fade.
Just fade away
I keep telling it
JUST GO
So I'll stop waiting,
So I'll stop wishing.
So I'll stop
grasping
for something
I cannot
hold.

I keep waiting for the sorrow to end,
yet here we sit, together.
Down on our knees
Praying and begging,
How I long to let it go.
The waiting seems
to never
end.

Poem is officially mine - Sara C. Tate

I Cried Today

I cried today in the Dollar Tree as we were walking passed the "baby shower" items.  The plates were decorated with baby elephants and tigers and other animals.  I start my cycle this week.  I already know and have the signs and symptoms.  We were in public, so I only allowed myself a moment.  A moment to wipe the tears and to take a breath.  To remind myself that it's not over yet.  That I'm O.K.  This is grieving.  This is grief.  Anyone who has lost someone or let something go or has had to say good-bye - knows this.  When you think, oh I'm free of that hurt now, oh look at me thriving and doing great!  Bam.  Out of nowhere.  Truly.  Out. Of. Nowhere.  Or maybe out of somewhere deep...it just popped up.  It was something about the blue plates, the pink plates, the green for the in-between not-gonna-find-out-the-gender-like-old-school plates.  It was something about my desire to decorate our child's room in an elephant theme.  It was something about the dream not yet fulfilled.  It made me cry.

We got home and found this package on my door.  So. Unexpected.  Inside it was the above shirt and note.  A good friend of the family sent it to me.  A while ago I saw her with this shirt on and said, OH, I love that shirt!  I wanted to know where to get it.  A few days ago she sent me a message and I thought, strange she was asking about my shirt size and address.  I don't know why I didn't put two and two together.  I was probably tired.  I was probably rushed.  When I opened the package, I cried.  The thoughtfulness and the kindness of a friend.  I don't even know the last time I've seen Michelle and yet, she did this. She didn't know that I had breakfast with my niece and nephew just before that Dollar Tree visit and that I left longing more and more for our own child than I have in a while.  She didn't know that I sat wishing we had gone on their trip to Disney with our own kid and that maybe someday we would do that for our child(ren) (my family just went to Disney for the kids first time and were thanking us for taking care of the dogs while they were away, with a breakfast).  She didn't know that we talked about age, and my husband's upcoming birthday.  Or that I was reminded of my own age this morning by my slowly appearing wrinkles and the grey hair at the crown of my head as I looked in the mirror.  

She didn't know any of that.

I cried today because of the sadness.  I cried today because the dream is slowly dying.  I cried today for the glimmer of hope that still remains.  I cried today because of the kindness of our friend.  I cried today because my faith is as small as a mustard seed, but God said it can still move a mountain.  

Today, the mountain did not move, but God came and sat with me on the mountain and offered me a tissue and a hug, in the form of a t-shirt and a note.  

Lady Gaga, Lauren Daigle, and Me

Recently, I began another free meditation series with Deepak Chopra.  It's a 21 Day Meditation Series entitled: Energize Your Life: Secrets for a Youthful Spirit.  One of my favorite parts about the 21 day series (aside from the fact that it's free!) is that there are journal prompts at the end.  The journal prompts are a great way to follow up after meditation.  More on that later.

Most recent meditation journal prompt asked:  Name two things that bring light and lightness to your life. One of those things for me is art. Art in all forms, but art especially in the form of music, brings incredible dimension to my life.  Art fulfills my soul.  I also love, love, love good song-writing.  As I am a poet, I find lyrics to be just that, poetry set to music.  There's nothing more powerful to me than a singer, song-writer who just puts their heart into their songs. 

A good song reaches into your quiet, hidden spaces and finds you...it whispers or calls to you, it sometimes shouts to you, but it speaks to you.  It says, I see you.  I hear you.  I've been there too.  I resonate.  I reverberate.  I feel what you feel.  I get it.  That's a song of depth.  That's a soul song.

I've written about Gaga before and how much her music and her life has inspired me https://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/02/lady-gaga-inspiration.html .  To me, she seems like an authentic person who is truly trying to find her way through her art. I get that.  I saw this video recently in which she talked about her own battle with anxiety and depression.  https://www.facebook.com/Upworthy/videos/lady-gaga-gets-real-about-depression/319304378865850/ It's so good - if you can't get to it here - find it.  It made me love her even more.  Also, just saw, "A Star is Born" and all of those love songs are SO heart-felt.  My favorites were definitely, "Is That Alright" and "I'll Never Love Again" and "Always Remember Us This Way" because honestly they remind me so much of my love for my husband.  (I'm unapologetically in love with him - mushy, gushy whatever - think what you want - it's the truth).   She sings from her gut and it's powerful.  I admire Gaga's creative nature and constant growth and change.  Her freedom.

So stay with me on this.  Lauren Daigle - who I first heard years ago on Christian radio - and fell in love with her voice.  You might be thinking other than the fact that they both sing and have hit records, what could these two (and you, Sara?) have in common?  I'm getting there.

Not only does Daigle have her own incredible voice - her tone, her range, her actual voice, but her spiritual voice is deep.  She has the voice of someone who has been broken - like me - to the core.  Someone who didn't believe herself worthy of any love - let alone - God's love.  Many of her songs point to feeling alone, feeling on the "outside" of everyone and finding acceptance in God's grace and love.  In learning to love herself by seeing herself through God's eyes.  Her latest CD (thank you family for this birthday gift!) "Look Up Child" is incredible.  Her song, "Still Rolling Stones" has this to offer:  'I thought that I was too far gone, For everything I've done wrong, Yeah I'm the one who dug this grave, but you called my name.'   That just fell upon me and brought me to tears.  

So here it is - the comparison - the links.  These two women are thought-provokers, artists, singers.  Both of them speak to our humanity - how people can be beautiful and flawed all at the same time.  In fact, its more beautiful than perfection.  Both of them are rebels in their own right. Neither are afraid to to speak or create or to put themselves out there.  Not to mention they both have awe-inspiring talent, but messages too.  

The message:  You are loved.  You are perfect in your imperfections.

Which brings me to ... me.  I'm no singer (that's for certain) and I've never written a song.  I'm also not a rebel.  At least not in the traditional sense of the word.  What I am though is a poet, an artist, a writer and a woman of depth.  I value individuality, going against the grain, and people who are free to be themselves.  What I did do though? I beat the odds and all those statistics for girls like me.  Girls who grew up the way I did with the life-experiences I've had and the demons I've battled.  I might not be a rebel, but I certainly did break barriers of my own.  

I promised myself I would have a deep, committed love and I would be victorious and not a victim.  I am not who anyone says I am, but me.  I am myself, unabashedly.  And although, my art hasn't yet "taken off" and I don't have a million followers or views or likes or books sold, etc, I'm still here and grateful for every person who takes the time to read what I write.  

I hope this brings light and lightness to your life and that it helps you in some way!  Thanks for reading and taking part in my own artistry.  Be inspired.

Birthday

It’s my 42nd birthday.  It came upon me rather suddenly and I’m still wondering how the time has passed so quickly.  I’m not caught up in the age thing - I might joke around with my 20 something coworkers that I’m “old”, but truthfully I don't feel old at all.  In some ways I don’t even feel wise or smarter than I was 20 years ago blah blah blah.  To be honest - the older I get the less I feel I “know” and the more I want to learn.  I’ve been trying to listen more, be more quiet, worry less and dream bigger. I’ve been really trying to refocus my lens to a perspective that looks for the positive and shifting my energy toward what I can do and control.  I've been working on letting go of the past trauma and hurt and slowly becoming more of who I truly am.

All of that being said - there’s still an empty room in our home. An empty space in our hearts that we are still longing to fulfill.  The baby.  There’s not a lot of things I feel as if I “should” have by now, but I truly had believed that I would be a mom by now.  It’s hard seeing so many younger than me having their second or third child. It's still a slight pain and sadness in knowing I'm another year older and although my age doesn't show on the outside, biology is still a factor that I absolutely cannot control.   It's still hard knowing that despite my prayers for a miracle upon this birthday...it still hasn't happened.

It’s still hard knowing that time isn’t sleeping or slowing down.

No, no my friends, time is marching and racing on and on.  Time is continuously moving forward with or without you.  I’m still determined to keep hope alive - at least one more year - and still believe that somehow, someway we will have our own child.  God-willing.

As for today - I am truly grateful for all that I do have. A wonderful husband who I love living life with, our family, friends and home.  I’m thankful for my able body and mind.  I’m thankful for the career and life I have built for myself - no matter the challenging beginning and obstacles. I'm thankful for all the lives I've been able to intercede in and improve for the better.  I'm thankful for every precious child that has been in my care and I pray that I've given them love and knowledge in a way they will always remember and carry with them.  

I’m thankful for my faith and for God's love - above all. I'm thankful that I am loved beyond measure.  I believe all things are working for our good and life is beautiful at each stage, however, changing.  

Happy Birthday to me, strong, smart, sweet, spicy and so very real.  Here’s to another year to grow, change and get better 💕 Here’s to another year of learning to love myself.

Stagnant

I've been feeling stuck and stagnant. I need movement.  Positive, forward movement.  This month has been soul-sucking.  It's been energy-zapping.  It's been a month that I'm having to recover from. I even feel as if there has been some backward movement.  As October approaches I'm asking myself - what has changed?  I know the answer to that question for certain.  I'm also asking myself what am I now doing that I wasn't and what am I no longer doing that I was?  In other words - have circumstances and environments changed? Yes.  Have responsibilities and tasks, etc. changed.  Yes.  Have toxic and dysfunctional people been added to the mix?  Yes.  HOWEVER - there are things that I have not been making time for and I must.  There are things that I'm doing that I need to stop and things that I've stopped doing that I need to start doing again. There is only one thing I can control in all of this right now.  Me. 

A friend of mine made a keen observation the other day and I only just thought about it this morning. I told her that all summer I had been going to acupuncture once a week, praying, journaling and meditating daily, practicing yoga and exercising three times a week.  I told her that once September hit, most of this has gone by the way side.  I have been trying hard to re-establish the routine and the habit - yet once the stress, aggravation, frustration, toxicity of certain people/situations etc. hit, I allowed all of that negativity to take over.

Enter in stagnation.  Enter in old patterns and negativity.  Enter in the feeling of helplessness.

BUT!

Those of you who know me, know I believe in God, and I believe God wants us to live a good and purposeful life.  I believe God does not want us to be under constant stress or worry - I'm not saying - you will not suffer or you will not go through some serious 'stuff' - that is promised.  What I am saying is - the way you move through it must be different if you truly believe in God.  The way you handle your day-to-day and moment to moment life - must be intentional.

So today - I'm recommitting to self-care and healing.  I'm recommitting to putting forth positive energy.  To DAILY prayer and meditation.  To going to yoga and exercising three times a week (I've cut back to only once a week and that just isn't working).  I'm also committed to making a plan that will bring movement and momentum.  I'm ready to move forward and I know I'm the one who has the power to control ME. I do not have control over some situations or circumstances, but I do have control over my reactions, my energy, my thoughts, my attitude, and my actions!  No one else gets to have that power.

Here's to movement!  Happy Sunday.

Oh September...

What a quote - summer's ghost - something has truly died.  Wow.  

Honestly, everything I've started to write has been literally sad or depressing or a total bummer and super negative (even if accurate and truthful), but I don't want to put that energy out there.  In the famous old adage of - if you don't have anything nice to say - I'm not going to write anything. September has been very interesting.  I'm working on a couple of book ideas, which could prove to be quite AMAZING and I'm hoping to get those ideas and thoughts onto paper and make the dream of having a published book a reality sometime in the next year.  

One thing I know for sure - life is short and we must make the very best of the time we've been given and take care of ourselves in order to take care of others.  To all my fellow educators, hold tight, keep your head up and let's collectively pray that October will be WAY better than September.  

Fake

I've not had much time to write, as year 11 has now begun.  Hard to believe I've been in this game this long.  I'm proud of all that I've accomplished as an educator and all that I still have to accomplish.  I'll never stop learning - in any area of life - because I honestly believe the day you stop learning is the day you die.  I can always be a better wife, a better sister, daughter, friend, educator, writer, etc. etc.  I can always improve, but yet love myself right where I am, all at the same time.  Bottom line: I'm not, nor will I ever be, perfect.  What I love best about myself and what I think others treasure about me (or at least that's what they tell me) is that I'm very honest, authentic and real.  You know what I think, what I feel and how I behave all match up.  Not saying that's always a good thing, but it's the real thing.  I tell it like it is and I keep it very real.  Some people do not like that.  They'd rather have pleasantries and surface relationships because if they're around someone real it forces them to look closer at themselves and they may not like what they see.  I take an inventory of where I am fairly regularly.  

Where I am now is I truly do not have time for fake, false or phony people or situations.  If it's not authentic or serving a higher good, I'm not for it. Recently there's been a few people who are not in my life anymore and I'm good with that.  People who cannot handle a bad day, a negative feeling, a real emotion, a person who says exactly how they feel and deals directly with others (not talking about aggressive, talking about having an honest, straightforward conversation).  I'm not here for that.  Life is too short.  I'm not here for people who aren't here for me and I'm definitely not here for anyone who doesn't see the value in who I am as a person.  I'm not begging for people's time or attention.  I'm a grown person who has better things to do with my time than worry about who likes me or doesn't or who wants to talk crap.  I'd rather have three real friends than thirty bullshit ones. 

The other thing is - my life is very real - even on social media - if I post happy pics it's because I am legitimately happy.  If I post sad or negative posts, well, that's where I am or if I don't post at all, I'm either too pissed to put it out there or too busy to care.  If I post a pic of my hubs, it's not because I'm trying to fake everyone out to think we're really happy together when at home we're falling apart...we are genuinely happy.  I don't post things for the benefit of others really - I post them typically, out of an overflow of where I am and to just shout it out!  Even my fertility or infertility blogs or posts are from a real, deep place inside of me.  I try hard to lift others up and usually the bi-product of that is I get lifted as well.  You can rest assured though that I'm not over here worrying about if you're jealous, not jealous, think I've made it or that I have a great life or not.  That's between me and God.  Period.

I've been slowly reading the book, Tuesday's with Morrie, if you don't know the book - look it up - it's pretty awesome.  It really puts life into perspective.   No one is promised tomorrow and I personally don't want to go out without every single person whom I am close to knowing they're important and precious to me.  I love hard and it's real.  I'm loyal and kind - if you cross me - well believe it or not - I'll wish you well and let you go, but don't expect a  second invitation to my table.  Forgiveness isn't about allowing people back into your life, it's about wishing them well and releasing negativity or harm. There are very few seats at this table and I only allow REAL people to sit with me and share the time.  The coveted time we have here on earth is just too fleeting to be anything else but true, honest, fun and life-giving.

Peace.

Acceptance

I've been thinking a lot about "what to write." I suppose a lot of people want to know where we are on our fertility journey.  No. We aren't pregnant.  It's been three years, 4 IUI procedures, thousands of dollars, and countless hours of prayers, tears, and questioning.  No one can say, oh it's definitely this, or it's definitely that.  They (doctors) give us well, it could be this or it could be that types of answers.  All we know for certain is - it's not happened yet. It might not.  I've come to a place of peace about it all.  I don't think I fully understood "peace that passes understanding" until now.  I've prayed and prayed and I know others have been praying too and finally, somewhere in my soul, I've accepted that I'm good.  Either way, I'm good.  We don't know what our next steps will be and for now, I'm OK with that.  

If there's one thing this journey has taught me it's acceptance.  That doesn't mean I've abandoned all hope or that the desire has somehow diminished- it means that I accept the uncertainty.  I accept that in this moment, I am not pregnant. I am OK. I am still a whole, healthy, happy and wonderful person - baby or not.  I accept myself as I am.  This is new for me so perhaps that is why it feels so foreign.  Peace in my heart is also new for me. I think I always thought that peace means you walk around happy and carefree all the time laughing and smiling, but the truth is, peace looks and feels different to me. Peace is so much more quiet and calm for me than I ever imagined. Peace is stillness of my mind and heart. It's a sense of deep contentment.  

I've noticed that it's hard for people to comprehend my peace and I'm OK with that too.  I think people want a "happy ending" or to "fix it" and truth is, what a happy ending or fixing it looks like is really our choice, no one else's. What I know for certain is this is our life and our path to walk.  The only people who need to accept our choices and decisions are us. We are the ones who have to choose what works for us. We will decide when to stop interventions based on our finances and more importantly, based on our emotional threshold.  Anyone who has been through this type of struggle knows that there are so many components to consider and deal with and everyone has to know when they're ready to stop and move on.  That looks different for everyone.

I'm grateful my husband and I have remained steadfastly there for one another and that we've grown stronger as a couple through this.  Despite how hard this has all been and I'm certain there will still be times of sadness or longing in the future, one thing for sure is we love one another deeply.  I've never been more grateful for my husband and his love than I have throughout this time.  We have taken turns being "the strong one" and we have proved our commitment to one another over and over.  I praise and thank God for that every day.

There was a meditation recently that talked about accepting your journey and the time in which it takes for things to happen.  Some people call this - trusting the process.  I believe whatever your dream is that there is a process in getting there. There is a timeline and a plan that maybe doesn't look the way you thought it would and even the outcome may not be what you expected. However, I do believe that if your dream/goal/desire is part of your life's plan and journey, you will have it.  

Part of that meditation was also about accepting that others have their own journeys and their own processes.  You must relinquish the want or need to control what others are experiencing or going through.  It doesn't mean we don't wish the best for others, try to help in ways that make sense, or that we don't want others not to hurt or make mistakes, etc.  Accepting that everyone has their own path is accepting that some things are a necessary part of the journey, even and perhaps, especially, the painful things. There is growth in pain if you look and listen carefully and something incredible will come from it, if you let it.  

Acupuncture and Healing - Part 2

Back in February of 2017 I decided to get regular acupuncture treatment.  It has proven to be incredible for my health - both physically and mentally! Some of the benefits I felt from regular treatment:

1) Reduction in migraines.
2) Reduced stress.
3) Better digestion.
4) Better sleep.
5) Reduced anxiety.
6) Increased energy.
7) Mood uplifted.

Number 7 was huge for me.  I honestly feel and people can believe it or not, but I honestly feel it helped me to get control over depression and anxiety and maybe, just maybe "cure" the depression.  Yes, I have had an official diagnosis of depression, have been diagnosed and "re-diagnosed" throughout my entire life starting at about age 17.  I've seen countless therapists and even once or twice tried medications.  My last and final (and by far BEST) therapist suggested when I saw her back in January 2017 that I go to acupuncture.  She had gone herself and found incredible physical benefits and she thought that perhaps it could help me mentally.  She was right.  

At the beginning of this year, when we started back with the fertility doctor and went round and round with the insurance company, my mental state was pretty bad and kept getting worse every time we'd hit a road block.  I was feeling depressed again and more anxious than ever. I had a migraine at the end of May that was horrible and lasted two days - even with medication and another in June.  I thought I was cured of migraines because I had not had one since I started treatment in Feb. 2017. I had another one in July after my grandmother passed.  I took those migraines as a warning: I was getting overwhelmed again and needed more self-care.  I decided that it was time to go back for another round of treatments.  This time - it's once a week for 8 weeks.  I started when we got back from Florida in the end of July and I've been feeling awesome.  I think the effect is even greater now because I've been doing a lot of self-care and my spirit is lighter.

I recommend acupuncture for literally EVERYTHING (if acupuncture did infomercials they'd hire me - because I'm SO into it!)  Try it!  I'd suggest going on referral of a friend or someone you know who has had success with the practitioner.  I'd also suggest looking into reviews and meeting with them before you let any needles enter your body.  Just as you'd choose a good doctor, you don't want to trust just anyone with your health.  Hope you've found this helpful - if so - please feel free to comment or share!  


Here are my other blog posts about acupuncture:
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/acupuncture-and-healing.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/never-give-up.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/02/a-road-to-healing.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/02/progress-is-progress.html

Taking the Next Step in My Writing Journey

I'm super excited because I signed up for a workshop on freelance writing:  The Nuts and Bolts of Freelance Writing.  It's next Saturday and I'm really ready!  I'm ready to learn new things and to hear from someone doing what I want to do and get all the knowledge I can about my new venture!  The best thing about this is I said to my husband just last week:  I really want to take a class, not an online class, but a real live class with face-to-face interaction.  So today I was on Linked In and posting my last blog post (I try to post to all the media I have - Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest) and BAM - there it was - a freelance writer's workshop at the Visual Arts Center and it was only $35.00!  I signed up ASAP.  

I've been trying to do at least one thing every single day to move my writing career along and this is my next step.  I consider it a sign that I'm on the right track. I'm more open to my creativity and I'm more in tune and aware of opportunities.  I'm actively participating in making my dream come true!

I had a little voice in my head saying...just think if you'd started earlier, when you were younger, etc. I told that voice to shut up.  Not even politely either.  I didn't say, please be quiet or could you lower your voice...nope...told it boldly and loudly to SHUT UP!  I've been realizing that 1) You cannot change the past and 2) This is my path and perhaps I wasn't ready previously, maybe there were things I needed to go through or experience to get prepared for this road.  I'm not going to question - I'm going with the flow and I'm ecstatic to take the next step, and the next, and the next.  Onward and upward!!  


Check out the Visual Arts Center: https://www.visarts.org/ 

Essential Oils - Elevation

A few years ago, I was introduced to Doterra Essential Oils, by an acquaintance.  She was describing how the oils helped with mental health issues and I was really struggling with depression and anxiety and I didn't (still don't) want to go on any medications.  Please know this is not any judgment against anyone who takes anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, everyone has to do what works for them and what they feel is for their highest and best good.  Period.  At the time, I have to say, I didn't feel like the oils "worked" so I kinda just put the oils and diffusers aside and kinda "forgot" about them (and went back to therapy).  Recently, my sister got into the oils, and dragged me to one of the info sessions about them and now she's into it and so of course, I'm back into now, too (despite my husband's eye rolls at all my "hippy stuff").  

Elevation is my current favorite essential oil blend.  I was remarking to my sister that I've been feeling "a lot happier" lately.  Now, there are some circumstantial things too - been away from work, been back to acupuncture, been reading/writing a lot more, doing a new meditation/prayer/journal reflection every day for the past two and a half weeks....AND I've been wearing this oil!  I've been mixing three-four drops with my lotion and applying to my whole body when I get out of the shower and then maybe one or two drops for my feet. I've found applying the oils works best for me.  I know you're supposed to diffuse - and I do that occasionally (some folks ingest it, but I'm not there), but for me, applying to my skin in the morning and throughout the day has really helped the best. 

There are SO many oils for SO many things and I've been trying out different ones.  For now, this is my current fave and I wanted to share it with you, maybe essential oils might work to enhance whatever you're working on in your journey!  No, I don't sell it and yes, it's a multi-level marketing thing, but I don't care so much about that, I just care that it's helping me on my journey to be a more healthy person inside and out! 

https://www.doterra.com/US/en/p/elevation-oil

Love Yourself Where You Are

This was me last month - wind in my hair - no make up -riding with the top down - HAPPY!

I'm writing today for me and for anyone else who reads it - who needs a pick-me-up and a reminder that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!  You don't need to lose 15 lbs to love your body.  You don't need a brand new home, car, or any other material possession to call yourself successful.  You don't need the next best job or career or *ahem* publishing deal to know that you have talent and skills that are unique to you.  You don't need a spouse/significant other to be loved. Love yourself where you are.  Yes, work towards goals and health and wealth and whatever else you desire - don't give up on any of that - but know this one thing - YOU ARE WORTHY just the way you are.  Right now, take a deep breathe and you know what, just say it out loud - it might make you feel better.  It's worth a shot.

I had an inspiring thought this morning as I was writing after meditation. I was writing down my limiting beliefs - the negativity just flowed out of me.  I was not surprised because I've had a lot of negative self-talk in life and I've played the low light reel of my life many a time in my head.  BUT I stopped mid-way and I began actively and vehemently crossing it off the page.  I started scribbling them out.  I said - NO - out loud - not going there.  I refuse.  I turned the page.  I began writing all the positive things I know and believe to be true.  I began writing, I am worthy, I am good, I am going to have all the desires of my heart, my life is good, etc. etc.  It was awesome!  It was FREEING.

I realized that every time over the past couple of weeks when I started to feel really low and down - it was because I was comparing myself to other people.  I was looking at my friends or even strangers who are at least ten years younger than me and thinking that I'm so old and I don't have what they have.  I'm too old to have a writing career - I should have started younger.  I'm too old to have a baby - I should have started younger.  I'm too this or that or whatever.  NOPE!  Not today and not ever again. I'm DONE with that.  I'm the age that I am and I'm at the place where I am due to choices and circumstances and I now know that I have everything I need inside of me and I just have to keep on tapping into that.  Keep on tapping into the part of me that survived and lead her to the place of thriving.  I've been on this journey to freedom a while - no doubt - but I'm ready now more than EVER to be happy.  

Stop comparing yourself to other people.  They have their life and you have yours.  Remember that social media is just their highlight reel...who knows what's real or fake and who cares!  Focus on you, gratitude and your own hope, dreams, aspirations, etc. and remember YOU ARE AWESOME just as you are.  Blessings and peace that passes all understanding to anyone who reads this!  

Dandelions

"When you look at a field of dandelions, you can see a hundred weeds or a hundred wishes." Anonymous 

When you read my blog, you get the good, the bad and the ugly.  It's the real deal - my writing is probably the truest form of myself that I choose to share with people.  In the past I've been hesitant and thought an awful lot (probably too much) about how will people take that or what will people think if I write that, etc.  In the last few posts I've been really open and honest about our struggles with trying to conceive a child.  For three long years, I stayed silent about it because I just didn't know what to think or how to deal with it and honestly, I feared what people would think.  I still have a tinge of - whoa - you're giving WAY too much info about your personal life here and PUBLICLY PUBLISHING it for the world to see.  I mean, I'm not an international star (yet), but 700 views and counting means that most likely....at least a hand full of folks have read my blog and shared it with others and in all of that are people I see face-to-face or know me or of me, which is kinda a weird feeling. 

So this week we found out that yet again, we aren't pregnant.  It was more devastating this time for some reason because we were all in.  We prayed more, we did more intervention, we had others praying more, we were so incredibly hopeful and ready.  We were so sure this was the time and that if we just believed hard enough...this was it.  And yet, it wasn't.  I didn't collapse completely or give in completely to the sadness, but it was close. Very. close.

I'll tell you what saved me.  God.  God not in the way that I heard my name spoken or I saw a vision or anything (but God, I welcome that when you're ready to give me some more insight and clarity :), but in the way of my people.  By my people, I mean my friends and family.  The way people showed up for me and continue to show up for me, every single day, continuously blows my mind.  It makes me tear up...it reminds me of just how LOVED I am.  

My friends and family have reached out to me, prayed with me, for me and sent me all their love and support in so many ways.  From my sister and niece and nephew bringing me a doughnut on the day I couldn't get out of bed because my grief was tangible, to my friends coming to my home and smiling, laughing and hugging me. The text messages and phone calls from friends and family.  My husband just hugging me and holding me and being very real with me about his own feelings and struggles.  What has also been incredible and a true gift to me are the responses to my blog posts and the heartfelt messages of people's own stories. My cup runneth over with pure gratitude and deep appreciation for the way God shows me how important I am to the people in my life and how important they are to me.  Don't give up - that's the message I keep getting - no matter what - don't give in or give up.  Dreams are still attainable and miracles are still possible.  

I encourage you - no matter what it is you're struggling with - look for the silver lining - look for the rainbow, look at the field and see the wishes, not the weeds.  Know that there is a purpose and a plan and you just have to keep climbing and hoping and dreaming...you will get there, but you've got to keep going.  Blessings and love to all of you who read this.  

Links to infertility posts: 
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/06/release.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/06/no-experience-is-wasted-oprah-winfrey.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/07/rainbow.html

Rainbow

It's been a rough couple of days.  The endless waiting is getting to me. We did another procedure before we left - trying to get pregnant.  I told a lot of people and asked for a lot of prayer, which I'm praying so hard will not be a mistake.  I'm praying so hard that won't mean I'll have to tell a whole bunch of people, no, it didn't work.  I'm praying that no one will ask.  That they will all know, that I just need prayer, and a lot of it and I'll tell them one way or the other, when I'm able.   It's so hard to ask for help and support, but not tell people what's happening. I've learned that I just have to share because not talking about it, isolated me and made me feel worse.  I've learned who I can trust with my feelings and my "stuff" and who I can't.  I've learned who is really in my corner. I've also learned who just can't handle it.  I've come to see who is selfish, who is not as strong as I am, and frankly, who is just not interested.  It's been surprising in some cases, but very hurtful in others.  I always say though: it's a blessing to know the truth, no matter how painful. 

Last week was a distraction, dealing with the death of my paternal grandmother and seeing family members I hadn't seen in several years. It was both emotional and cathartic.  It was something I needed to do.  I wanted to pay my respects to my grandmother (I was her first grandchild) and to show love and support to my father.  Divorce is a hard thing on people, especially when there's children involved. I didn't get to spend the quality time with her that I have with my maternal grandparents.  I didn't get to know her on a deeper level, but I know she loved me and I know that I loved her. I know she was gentle, kind and caring and I believe she would have had a different, more close relationship with me if she could have.  In the end, I know I did the right thing by going and while it was painful and challenging, it was worth it.

After the viewing and funeral we had a little vacation, which was nice.  We visited with my in-laws at their condo in Florida, which is lovely and right on the beach.  I did my best to enjoy the visit and to try and stay in the present moment, to be grateful and count my blessings.  

I've been meditating, journaling, praying, talking with friends and doing my best to release it and relinquish it every time it comes up.  The questions - did it work this time?  Are we pregnant? How long before I can test?  No matter what happens, I keep trying to tell myself, I will not be bitter.  I will not be angry.  I will not be envious.  I refuse to live my life in a space other than joy, contentment and happiness.  Life is too short.  I will continue to acknowledge my feelings, feel them, and move through them.  I will not dwell, I will not sit in sorrow too long.  I won't let my future hopes, destroy my present happiness. 

Somehow, someway, God is going to bring me to a place of true peace.  I continue to see the silver lining and the blessings through this incredible journey.  My hair stylist even said to me today, I think you've really grown in this last year.  I think she's right (Jillian - you are like my second therapist so I think you should know!) and I believe it's due to deep spiritual searching and actually, suffering.  I've had to go deep into myself and see who I am.  To face it head on and deal with it.  To prepare myself for whatever the outcome shall be.  To know myself and to more importantly, strengthen my faith and my knowing, that no matter what, I am OK.  I am healthy, whole and worthy.

When we were in Florida on our last night we saw a rainbow ... it was a reminder that without the rain, there would be no rainbow.  

No Experience is Wasted

Watching a re-run of "Super Soul Sunday" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuBnKBz8cgM this morning with the famous basketball coach, Phil Jackson, I had my own "aha" moment.  During the interview Oprah asked him about how the players felt about him "bringing in all this zen stuff" and he said he was very careful about what he introduced to the players because he wanted to be sensitive to whatever religion they had been brought up with or whatever religious practices they already had. Jackson was sensitive to that because as a child he grew up in a very strict religious home that was not tolerant of other religions or religious practices.  He also said he could relate to his players and their fears and/or anxieties because when he was a player himself, he had been benched for an entire season due to severe back injury.  He also said he got pretty close to his coach during that time when he was injured, which had given him the experience and knowledge of coaching that he used later in his own coaching career. To which Oprah responded, "No experience is wasted."

Those of you who read my last blog post  http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/06/release.html , know that I shared my deeply personal struggle with infertility and this journey we are on to have a child.  There's an interesting thing that happens when you share your story with the public (700 folks in my case, so it's not exactly Oprah's international viewing audience, but hey, everyone's gotta start somewhere).

First, people have come out of the woodwork telling me their own stories and that has been amazing and comforting, as well as reassuring that I am not alone.   It also made me feel awesome that what I wrote really spoke to other people in a way that made them feel less alone.   It also let me know how many people really DO care and really are rooting for us and just even asking, hey are you OK? has been so sweet, amazing and reaffirming.  It's simple, but it's so kind and it has meant the absolute world to me.  Everyone wants to feel seen and heard, especially in their most vulnerable and painful experiences.

Second, there's been some mixed emotions to people's lack of response.  I don't care if I ever hear from a stranger about what I write, but when you put something out there that's a real look into your heart and soul - and there's silence from friends and family - you cannot help, as a human being to feel like - wow, OK, so I bled all over the page there and you said nothing?  Not. One. Thing.  It's hurtful at first.  Then you just breathe and say, well not everyone reads your blog and not everyone knows what to say, and frankly, not everyone cares. I've noticed since I began this venture of writing and blogging and putting it out there to begin my career as a writer that not everyone will be supportive.  That's the facts and I'm learning how to not take it personal, even though, that can be a challenge sometimes.  You cannot control anyone but you.

Third, I've also received some lame and insensitive comments too.  I think it's mainly because people want to be "helpful" or "supportive", but in fact, a lot of them have been hurtful. Mostly people I think don't know what to say - just a simple - I'm sorry and I'm here for you would suffice - honestly.  Just knowing that you actually care is so much better than a flip comment.  I do not want to step on anyone's toes or "call anyone out" because it can get tricky and people can be jerks if they think you're writing about them - and people take things as it's about them half the time - even if it isn't. 

Finally, I've gotten some outside response that has been really exciting and cool for me. I've been reaching out to and finding others who have experienced the horrors of the insurance companies and I reached out to a group called Patients Rising https://patientsrising.org/ to find out how I could help.  I was then asked to share my story and they liked it and want to publish it!  I've written the first part of the article and there will be a follow up to it.  I'll definitely let everyone know when it comes out and I'll share the heck out of it because 1) I'm proud and 2) It's going to help A LOT of people and maybe, just maybe, it will help some change happen.

SO - although this infertility journey has been a roller coaster of emotions - this experience is already helping others.  This experience is not wasted.  I thank God for the ways I'm continuously shown how my pain can be used for a purpose.  What I thought at first would take me out, has actually launched something amazing.  I'm not at a point where I can say I'm grateful for what we are going through, but I can see how it's being used to help others and for that, I am thankful.

Thank you to anyone and everyone who has thanked me for writing it, it means so much to me.

Release

No matter how much someone says they understand what you're feeling, they don't unless they truly have experienced it.  Even then, I feel sometimes as if that's just not possible, because they aren't you so they haven't felt it in your body.  I'm going through something right now and I feel the most alone I've ever felt through an experience.  

Even when I was down and out - divorced, jobless, homeless - it did at times seem bleak, but it never felt hopeless. It felt like something I had to go through and eventually I knew I'd be on the other side of it.  I have worked since I was a kid - formally, since 17.  I substitute taught, I worked administrative temp jobs, and I worked at Target as a cashier.  I remember the guy hired me because I answered the question, Why do you want to work here? with "I need the money."  He laughed.  I guess that's not the PC answer, but it was the dead honest truth and after he chuckled he said, "Good, we need people who actually want the hours and want to work.  People come in here and say, oh because I love the store or because I love people, etc.  That's about the most honest answer I've heard all day, so you get the job.  Start tomorrow."  I never doubted that I'd get back on my feet.  I doubted I would ever get married again...but I never doubted I'd find someone to spend time with or that I'd get a new place to live or any of that.  It was sad, it sucked, but it was somehow, I don't know, doable.  It was just a "tough spot" or a "rough patch."  I learned a lot and grew a lot.  The marriage I saw as an utter failure, turned out to be a true blessing because it forced me to be honest about all my sh** I hadn't dealt with and the amount of demons I was still battling that I truly thought I'd conquered.  So, in the end, it was indeed resolved. 

I'm sitting here with my teaching job, my beautiful new house, and my very real and happy marriage.  So, what's the point of this post you're thinking?  Well, I've found myself in a place that I cannot quite bring myself to talk about with really anyone because I feel truly as if no one "gets it" - at least no one in my circle.  Even people in my circle that think they get it because they've experienced some of what I'm feeling, do not actually get it.

We've been "trying" to conceive a child for three years.  We've done all the tests, we've been through a couple of procedures and yet, here we sit.  Childless.  I'm "like a mom" to a lot of people.  In fact, every single day to 19 little people, I'm "like a mom" and to some of them that's no small thing because they do not have their biological mothers in their lives at all.  I do not take that lightly and I thank God for it daily, sometimes even throughout the day I will think, wow, how could your mom have let you go?  I won't ever pretend to understand.  I know there are countless circumstances and situations that are desperate and they aren't anything I could comprehend because I'm sitting over here willing to go through needles, appointments, prescriptions, violations of privacy on many, many levels, and thousands upon thousands of dollars...not to mention the evil dealings of the insurance company, just to prayerfully conceive a baby.

I've been "like a mom" for as long as I can remember - starting with my little sister, then babysitting, then my niece, then my nephew and of course, for over ten years off and on, an elementary school teacher and tutor.  Like a mom still isn't a mom.  I know people think that somehow that's comforting to me or that somehow that is my consolation prize, but it isn't.  

I know people who struggled to conceive and give birth and to even continue on the journey of motherhood and raising kids, teens, young adults.  I know people who have done all the tests, the procedures, the doctors, the agonizing waiting.  I know people who have conceived and lost babies.  I know people who have lost children.  I know people who have been to hell and back with their pregnancies, their kids, etc.  None of it is "easy" and none of it came without a cost.  I am, by no means, equating anything I'm about to say or emote, with any of it.  There is no comparison in pain.

Let me reiterate that: there is simply no comparison in pain.  It's your pain. It's your struggle.  It's yours to deal with.  And this is mine.  I'm having to grapple with and struggle through this reality: I am childless.  I do not know what the future holds, this is true, but I know in this present moment, I am childless in the sense that we do not have our own child.  And there's a pain in coming to terms with the idea that this simply may be my reality.  Period.  I am 41.  My husband is older than that.  People sit with their children or child and tell me - oh yes - I know how you feel, etc.  No.  You have children - you're on the other side of all of it.  You do not have to sit in your car after a workout that was supposed to make you feel good and didn't and reminds you that your body is getting older and that you are trying desperately to release it, release it, release it .... crying with the thought: It may not happen.  Ever.  You have got to be able to accept it.   This is the reality.  To watch your niece and nephew grow and grow and remember that you were going to raise your one with them so that your one wouldn't grow up without a sibling, but at least with cousins.  To know that time cannot be stopped and the clock cannot be turned back.  To wonder, what if I'd done this or that.  To wonder, what did I do that this is my punishment?

I've sat in my therapist's office and had her tell me that it doesn't hurt less to not be hopeful.  I think that's a lie.  I think to be hopeful is to continuously stab yourself in the gut and slowly bleed.  To be hopeful and have your period start again, another month.  To sit and say, why? And to listen to stories of abused kids, and to read your files on your students, and to hear about moms on drugs or just vanished or who knows what happened to them. To say, God, I know I'd be a good mom, I've had a lot of "like a mom" practice...just give me one...just one.  To bargain.  To plead.  To cry.  To wish and hope and wait and think, maybe this month will be my miracle no matter what the doctors say.  No.  No.  No.  To have people say all the insensitive, hurtful, unaware, cruel and ridiculous things they say to you (which is why I never talk about it because I don't want to to hate well-intending people and I've already lost 'friends' over it) and to still be "hopeful" is just - a pain that's sometimes too much to hold.  

I know I must release it.  This is my only chance of being free.  The trouble is, I play games with it...I throw it and then pick it back up.  I throw it and get hit in the face with it or the stomach.  I throw it and run after it.  The letting go feels impossible -  the dream of motherhood that I must grieve - but I'm learning to somehow "let it be."  I've not succeeded, but I'm learning and growing and I guess that's better than nothing at all.  To try and end this on a "positive note"  - I do love my life and I do count my blessings and I do not take one thing for granted - not even this journey.  I am learning one thing for certain - life is short and there is joy even in sorrow and there is beauty even in pain.  Someday I will know the answers and for now, I just pray to move forward.

Toxic

Toxic and dysfunctional environments breed toxic and dysfunctional people.  Even if you're a positive, over-all happy, functioning person - the toxicity will eventually take you over.  At the first sign of this you must leave before it takes it's toll on you both physically and emotionally.  What exactly defines a toxic environment?  There are so many articles written about this, but here's my compiled list from my own personal experience.

1) Lying is normal. No one should have to constantly question what is real or fake around them - they should be able to feel that they are being told the truth at all times and that they can trust those people around them.

2) You feel undervalued and underappreciated on a consistent, regular basis. You aren't complimented, you aren't acknowledged, what you do right isn't talked about, yet what you do wrong is highlighted.  You aren't compensated for your time and efforts - either monetarily (as in a work environment) or returned favors, taking turns with duties, etc.  

3) You aren't heard.  You feel as if you don't have a voice or if you do, you will either be shut down, dismissed, discounted or retaliated against for sharing your feelings or concerns.  While every little thing or every little complaint doesn't need to be made into a huge deal, your feelings and concerns should at least be heard and listened to with respect and understanding.

4) You feel put down.  When people are speaking to you or acting as if you're beneath them or as if you're naive or ignorant - whether you are or aren't - it's rude, demeaning and hurtful.  There's a way to inform people without being condescending or chastising.

5) There's a lack of trust (see number 1 - lying) and inconsistency in how people behave - saying one thing and doing another or telling people one thing to their face, but saying something different behind their back.  There's no loyalty or feeling that someone has your back and would support you, esp. in times of difficulty or strain.

6) You are abused in any way - verbally or physically.

7) You feel helpless or hopeless and long for a way out.  If you're constantly day-dreaming of a way out or actively looking for one ... it's time to go!

If you're experiencing any of this in your work, home, church, organization, etc.  You have the right to speak up and ask for change or you have the right to leave. No one can grow, blossom, be their best self or even strive to be, if they are in an environment like this!  These types of places are not conducive to learning, growing, facing challenges, productivity or positive outcomes!  If you stay too long you will either self-destruct or become destructive - or both.  You will begin to take on these traits and could become a toxic person too!