People are Surprising

Got this sweet little gift today!

Just a quick follow-up to my post from yesterday! http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/03/people-are-disappointing.html   One, I'm feeling a tad bit better and managed to get to work today - thank God for a 2 hour snow delay!  Two, I found this sweet little gift and a card from a wonderful, good, and kind friend waiting for me in my box.  That made me smile.  It also reminded me that while people can truly be disappointing and will continue to be... people can also be surprising.  Every once in a while, people will surprise me and remind that I am truly loved and cared for. I had a couple of adorable notes from the kids saying they missed me and several walked in and said they were so glad I was back.  I also had one darling girl say, Mrs. Tate, I prayed for you and I prayed to Jesus that you'd be back and here you are!  That made me smile and melt a little on the inside. Even a couple of my teammates took care of my plans, checked in on me while I was at home, and popped in today to say, hey, glad you're o.k.  Of course, not to be forgotten or unappreciated is my family and esp. my husband - who are always there for me! God will remind you - if you're open and listening (even sometimes when you're not) - you are indeed, loved.  I wanted to remind you all too - that no matter how many folks out there disappoint - there are also those who will surprise in the best of ways.  I wanted to take a moment to show my gratitude for the little things and to say, I am truly blessed.  It's the moments of joy, peace, and comfort that keep us going through the moments of frustration, sadness, and disappointment.  Thanks be to God.  Amen.

People are Disappointing

Full disclosure: I've been sick for a week (still am) and I'm over it.  I'm feeling sad and frustrated.  Everything I listen to and everything I read says it's important to name your feelings - not wallow necessarily - but name them and then deal with them.  Fact is, sometimes, you just aren't going to feel positive.  Sometimes you're going to feel like crap - either physically or emotionally or both.  So this is one of those times.  But I want to write about disappointment right now because that is also what I'm feeling. Maybe someone, anyone out there that reads this might comment and give me some words of wisdom.

I have very high standards for myself and expectations of myself.  I work too hard and I think I've been under the false impression for a long time that if you just work hard enough everything will work out and you can make it work.  There goes the control button again.  I stress internally and brood internally over whether I'm doing enough to make things go the way I want them to.  It's a fine line you walk between understanding you have control over things and getting up and doing something about stuff, and then of course, surrendering to the fact that you have little control over most things.

The biggest thing you have zero control over is other people.  I am in a current state of disappointment with a few people because I have had expectations of how I think they should behave.  I think to myself, well, this is how I would behave in this situation or circumstance or this is the "right" thing to do - so these people should do that.  Problem is, not everyone sees things the way I see them.  Not everyone even is aware enough of their own behaviors to know that they might be doing or saying something that others may perceive as offensive or out of line.

Examples - you're not invited to something you think you should be. A "loved one" isn't involved in your life and doesn't make an effort to be.  Someone consistently talks down to you or in a condescending tone and frequently feels the need to tell you what to do - despite the fact that you already know exactly what to do.   You feel certain friends or family members should support your business or personal endeavors in a certain way, but they don't. 

So people are disappointing - does that mean you change your expectations?  Maybe that's the answer. Have no expectations and you won't be disappointed.  Easier said than done I think. Real issue I'm having though is how to let them know how I feel or what I'm thinking about their behavior or if I even should.  I think boundaries are important and I think being open and honest is important, but sometimes I think weighing the importance of it is also good - like is anything really going to change because you said something?   Maybe that shouldn't be the goal?  Maybe the goal should be to just let people know how you feel in the most loving of ways - if the relationship is worth it to you?  I think the trouble is I want to honor and acknowledge my own feelings too and give others an opportunity to at least be aware of my feelings and maybe they'll respond kindly or even by changing,  As I stated in my opening comment - any and all helpful, kind words of wisdom are welcome.

In the meantime - your prayers, thoughts, positive energy for speedy recovery sent my way would surely be welcomed.  Peace be with you on your own journey!

What Others Think Of You...

I've not been writing a lot on the blog lately because there's just been so much happening and my focus has been sort of blurry from looking in so many directions.  We've been working on our new home and my husband has a new role at his job and I've been struggling with next steps in my own career and we've had some other big "life stuff" happening that I'm not quite ready to delve into publicly just yet.  All of this plus every day life and trying to keep your head above water with finances, work, family, home...etc. etc. etc. can make you feel like it's hard to breathe.  

I have been keeping up with my private journal, but my prayer and meditation has been sporadic and that's been affecting me.  When life gets hard or things feel like they're piling up things start to pile up in my world physically as well.  It's almost like spiritual clutter creates physical clutter and vice versa...so I've got to get that under control and feeling tired is also a piece of that too.  Too tired to clean it up, but too messy to get clear.  That's one way I can see - oh I need to get it together.

Another way I can tell that I'm off track is I start to fall into old thought patterns. I start down the negative thought train.  I become harsh on myself and others in my thoughts.  I begin to lose compassion and feel my anger rise up.  I feel a sense of indignation, a need to defend myself and one way I've always done that is to attack.  The one difference though is now I don't act on the thoughts...I don't act out the thoughts or have confrontations the way I would have in the past.  It's a fine line you walk between setting boundaries and telling people what you think they need to hear in order to "let them know" that you will not be disrespected and maintaining a sense of calm.  I've found that majority of the time, it simply isn't worth the energy to deal with petty crap that people do.

This brings me to my Aha moment.  Well, it's actually a two-fold Aha (lol).  First, I realized that changing anything in life or cutting out anything in your life that is bad for you - be it food, drugs, alcohol, negative thinking, bad relationships, etc. etc.  it's a daily choice.  I always thought - well you just make a choice one day and never look back.  You just come to some epiphany and suddenly your whole life changes.  I think I was somehow under the impression that you have some life-altering moment (heart attack, overdose, end up in the hospital, etc.) and then just like that, BOOM, you are no longer the same and that's it.  I don't know that I ever "got it" that whole "one day at a time" thing ...but the truth is ... it's sometimes even just one hour at a time ...that once you decide to change, you keep deciding.  You keep changing.  You keep making the choice and at some point the new way becomes automatic; it becomes your new normal.  You breathe your way to the permanent change and perhaps you're never done.  Not quite sure yet because I'm still learning.

Second, I realized that the only person I have to please is me.  That's it.  If I can sleep at night and know that I truly have done my very best, that is all that matters.  Do I want my husband, my family, my friends, and most importantly my God, to be proud of me and to be pleased?  Yes.  How do I do that?  By making conscious decisions and behaving consciously.  If others have a problem with me or talk about me or feel the need to "help" me in a way that doesn't help me - I have a choice.  I have a choice to let it affect me or not.  I've had to remind myself more than once and will continue to have to remind myself that I know who I am - all of myself.  I know that I'm responsible, capable, articulate, intelligent, loving, kind and thoughtful.  I know that I care and perhaps to a fault sometimes.  I'm still working on true self-control and true self-love.  Not self-love at the expense of others or self-love as in a boastful heart, but self-love in a way that says, Here's who I am, take it or leave it.  Praise or criticism cannot touch you if you have a strong core.  A strong core needs nothing from the outside world.  I love the quote, "What others think of you is none of your business."  Amen.