Disappointment

Feeling an awful lot of disappointment this week.  Getting back from vacation is, of course, a let down in many ways, but also a number of things are going on that are leading me to feel less than "happy."

First, we came back to nothing but crazy, endless news about Charlottesville and I guess because we live in VA and because many of our friends and/or acquaintances went to UVA, we hear about it even more.  Although, no doubt, it's drawn major national attention and it's "the" news story of the week, possibly now even, the month.  I'm disappointed in people's reactions, in the endless news coverage, in the fact that we simply seem to be deteriorating as a society, that no one knows what is real or fake in the media coverage we see and no one can seem to even listen to each other or think critically about what they read or see.  I mean have we gone so far off the rails we can't distinguish fact from fiction?  I'm afraid to make any comments on anything because I fear it will be misconstrued or that I'll lose a friend because we disagree.  It's come that far.  I am not a white supremacist or a racist and of course, I completely condemn anything or anyone associated with that type of thinking or behavior - I think it's safe to say that much.  As for all the other stuff - I'm going to remain silent.

Second, and perhaps even more important to me, I'm feeling that "I'm 40 and I'm not where I want to be" thing.  I thought I'd be at a certain place "by now."  I'm having a tough time accepting where things are and that things will come in time and that this is somehow part of God's plan.  I don't get it and I don't like it and that's just the truth of it all.  Even as I type this - I think - delete it, delete it, delete it because this is too real and too much for folks and you shouldn't be putting yourself out there THAT much.  I know I must accept it and I know I've got to look to turn toward gratitude and adjust my attitude.  I know that.  I'll get there, but maybe not today.

Third, I've been cut off completely by someone I thought was a friend.  Someone I liked and admired and thought there could be a potential strong friendship with.  I don't seek out friendships often - in fact it's rare and the recent incident with this person are one of the reasons why.  People aren't predictable and they aren't always what they seem.  I'm rarely wrong about a person, but every once in a while, I am. The thing that bugs me most about it is that it was a complete misunderstanding and within minutes of the "text conversation" which I suppose was part of the problem - she thought I was being rude and I didn't think I was and then literally she was angry and offended and I was totally taken aback - she blocked me and unfriended me.  And just like that, poof, done.  I was and am still kind of stunned.  It was a matter of minutes and that "friendship" was over. I guess that says something about the friendship - it wasn't really that strong or real to begin with - if you can cut someone off that quickly, that easily - they didn't mean that much to you. I guess it's always good to know where you stand.

Disappointment comes from unmet expectations. The minute a person is capable of letting go of expectations and taking things as they come, they are in a far better state of mind. I am also coming back to the "don't take it personal" thing (Four Agreements) and I realize - that's exactly what I need to do - keep moving toward the goals, yet stay present and LET IT GO.  There's something good in almost every seemingly "bad" situation and even if you have to get out your microscope - you can probably find it.  In the meantime, I'm just going to ride the wave and go back to Hawaii in my mind.

I belong on the island.

Just look at this photo!  First of all, as I expressed in my previous post: http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/07/i-look-fat.html  you know that I am not a huge fan of pictures of myself.  This picture though, I love. I'm beaming.  My body looks good, my smile, my hair and most of all I'm glowing from that Hawaii love.  The minute we stepped off the plane I felt a sense of contentment.  The views were spectacular already and it was sundown!

I belong in the islands.  The hubs says it's too expensive there, but I say, who cares?  Those views are worth it.  Who wouldn't want to wake up and go to sleep to the sound of the ocean and the wind in the palms?  Everywhere we went it was like a post card.  Every view was mind blowing.  I'm a nature person and honestly believe that I'm so much more connected to God in nature.  If you have ever read, "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren - the section on "naturalist" - that's me.  Maybe it's because I grew up camping and fishing in Oregon and some of my fondest memories from early childhood were of the beaches in Jersey or Florida...who knows, but what I do know is, I belong near the sea.  Very near the sea.  And how much more near to the ocean can you be than an island??

I've told you, years ago, I was in Maui.  After talking to many natives there in Kauai, I discovered that Maui is now "blown up" and "over developed."  That's a real shame and I pray Kauai stays as small as it can and that many people don't go crazy trying to move there.  Although, I now want to move there and am thinking of how I can get back there!  The one highway they have is already pretty packed and most of the places you go to eat and shop already have mobs of people. Most places get ruined by too many people moving there.  

I think I should do a study on "island time."  A quick google search reveals that there doesn't appear to be any research on "island time" and why folks aren't really in a rush to get here or there or to be on "time" or to serve you quick or whatever. There could be something to this. Is that the draw?  The slowed nature of the place, the leisurely pace at which most things are done?  I realize I was "on vacation", but my husband was working and it appeared to be the way of life, not just for tourists. Perhaps in a life of hurry up, go go go and do do do ...it's a breath of fresh air to be in a space where people really are living at a pace that's far more manageable. People are breathing, in and out, in and out, in a more calm and meditative state.  Someone joked that they even took a day off of school/work for surfing. 

While I was there I experienced a horrible migraine, but I still went to the beach and the pool and out to eat with my husband. I spent the next day (this one lasted two days because I forgot my meds back home - awesome!)  in the room while I suffered and vomited, but I rallied to go up the coast to watch the sunset and eat fish tacos with my husband. There was so much to see and I didn't want to miss the memory.  "Life" will find you wherever you are, trust me, I was in paradise and thought, oh my gosh I've wasted it.  Truth be told, I wasn't in control of it.  I didn't waste it, I actually made the best of it. I'm glad it happened, believe it or not, because it reminded me that nothing is perfect all the time. Life really is what you make of it and how you deal with what arises.  Pictures don't show all that's behind the scenery, but the true picture has a thousand details.  

A lesson the island reminded me of: Take time out of your "busy life" for the ebb and flow of the tides. Marvel at the creation around you and PAUSE.  Ride the waves, let them flow over you if you must, emerge from them with a new found sense of peace and understanding.  IF you fall off the board, get back up and try again.  Life is beautiful.  The spirit of the island is Mahalo, which truly is, gratitude. 

                  Mahalo, Kauai for the incredible memories.

I look JUST like that swimsuit model!

The title says it all.  The disturbing and brutal nature of the dreaded task of swimsuit shopping (cue music from the movie Psycho).  You go in thinking, "I'll try to make this fun." Some of us may even bring along a girlfriend or a trusted family member that you know will be honest with you, but at the same time not run screaming from the dressing room in horror and/or uncontrollable laughter. However, try as you might, it just isn't fun.  In fact, it's just torturous.

First, let me say, I have ZERO clue who is wearing half of these suits ... these itty, bitty, teeny, tiny things...I mean they barely cover ANYTHING. I don't know, but it's NOT me. Even if I did have the body for it, I wouldn't do it.  Perhaps I'm too conservative.  I used to wear a bikini and feel like, of course I'm wearing a bikini - I wouldn't even consider a one piece!  Now I put on a bikini and just laugh or cry!  Why do the one pieces and tankinis have to be so boring - the prints look old and the shapes are just blah and there seems to be no support in the tops...just letting the girls go wherever! No thanks.

Second, can't we dim the lights and maybe play some soothing music while we do this awful task? I wasn't at a specialty place or a boutique - I was at Target, Walmart and Kohls (budget friendly) so maybe that was part of the problem - maybe the lighting is better at the swim shop or the sales people are there to comfort you or give you a pep talk, maybe even a glass of wine or a shot of tequila.  I just refuse to pay 80-150 bucks on a piece of clothing I wear a dozen of times throughout the year.

Third, I tried so hard not to do the whole negative self-talk thing.  I had to stop myself several times from saying out loud, You are so fat.  Look at this and look at that and if you hadn't gained so much weight this wouldn't be such a horrible experience.  I don't know if it's worse having been thin and being mostly comfortable with my body majority of my adult life or to have been heavier your whole life and not "remember when."  I think honestly, it's hard either way.  And I bet that even thin or in shape girls judge their bodies and feel bad about this part or that part or wish they had those boobs or that butt or those legs or whatever.  I can remember when I was thin, I used to want bigger breasts and less muscular legs...now I want a flat stomach and thin thighs, zero back fat and muscular arms like I used to have and I would be fine with having my 20 something chest.  Sigh. 

After trying on 20 different suits and sending several pictures to my sister and my husband for their opinions - I finally decided on a suit.  It's a tankini and I'm sad.  It looks cute, the design is cute, it was the one that made me look the slimmest, but I'm sad because I want to be back to my old weight and in my old body.  I don't want to go back to that time  (http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/07/i-used-to-be-hot.html), but I sure do want to go back to that body.  I feel sad because I want to wear a bikini.  The guy at the check out asked if I was ok (I guess my downtrodden face and slumped shoulders gave me away) and I said, yeah, just bathing suit shopping.  You wouldn't understand.  He just smiled and bagged my stuff.  

I'm just being honest here - it's a real struggle.  I don't think it's unrealistic to have that particular goal weight or muscles or shape or whatever, I know it's possible because I've seen women twice my age who look fantastic and are in far better shape than I am currently.  Yet, I wonder what is really holding me back?  That's something I'll need to explore further.  

I know one thing, I'm proud of myself today because 1) I stopped the negative self-talk and didn't go there and stay there for the entire rest of the day - no matter how tempting  2) I didn't leave the store and go eat a box of donuts and McDonald's.  3) I promised myself that this time next year - I will have a banging body and I will wear whatever bikini I want and I'll do what it takes to get there. That's what loving yourself really is and I'm glad I'm getting there.

P.S.  I was going to post the umpteen pictures I took while I shopping today and thought, NO, my luck this would be the one post that goes crazy viral and gets thousands or millions of hits! Ha ha ha ha ha!

For laughs: http://www.worldlifestyle.com/beauty-style/12-thoughts-every-woman-has-when-bikini-shopping