All I want for Christmas...

...is something I truly cannot have.  I want my mom to have her husband alive and well. I want my friends who have lost their parents and siblings to have them back. I want families and friends to be healthy, peaceful, and happy. I want all of my kids (my students) to have whole, in-tact, families and stable lives. I want so many things that simply cannot be bought or sold.  Peace on earth.  Clean running water for people who need it desperately all around the world.  The list could go on and on.  

Christmas is a holiday that makes a lot of people sad.  Thanksgiving doesn't tend to be that way.  It's because of pressure, the expectation, the Christmas cards with pristine white hills and a little fireplace glow...the kids with hot cocoa and the parents smiling affectionately.  It's the idea that peace and love are everywhere and that all we have to do is "believe", etc.  Maybe that's true, but there's something about Christmas that can really make people feel down.  

1) Family.  The idea of family is a BIG stressor for so many people.  Family dysfunction and toxic family dynamics - the pressure to "get along" and to "bite your tongue" and just "get through" the family gatherings.  Many people don't even like their own family members (after all you didn't get to choose them - like your friends or your spouse) and loathe the thought of being around them, yet, they take what is supposed to be a special time of year and make it dreadful by spending time with people they don't like because they feel like, well, Christmas is about family.

2) Loss.  This is a big one.  Many people are missing someone or many people, at this time of year.  Maybe they had a family member they actually did cherish and love and that person is now gone.  They long for them at this time of year because there is a pressure - people are all rushing off to be with their loved ones at this time (sometimes people actually do love their family and enjoy their time with them)  and they have an empty seat at the table.  They wish they could talk to that person one more time, to laugh with them, to look at their face and feel their hand - to just be physically in their presence, just one more time.  Also, the loss of relationships - either through estrangement, divorce, break-up, etc.  People miss people at this time of year sometimes even more than other times.  Even if there has been weeks, months, years since the loss has happened, something about Christmas can make the loss feel fresh and deeply painful all over again, as if it was the first time that you're feeling it.

3) Expectations.  You might be the person who wants the perfect decorations, Christmas cards, or gifts to give or receive.  You might be the person who wants the best party or to be invited to all the parties, etc.  Or maybe you need the food to be elaborate and delicious, the table to be set just so, and all the right people to be in attendance.  Instead, you burned the bread, the Jones' had somewhere else to be that night, and the cat climbed up the tree, knocked it down and broke a bunch of ornaments.  You wanted that perfect gift for your husband/wife and you ended up with a gas station gift card (if that's your favorite or what you asked for, don't get mad at me, please).  Life doesn't go as planned.  In fact, majority of things (even some of the BEST things) in life can't be planned.  We don't have control.

That's just it - we don't have control over anything, except ourselves. Control is an illusion.  The idea that we can manipulate and control anything and everything.  That somehow we are in "charge."  I'm not at all suggesting we should just float around and wait and see what happens...I'm not saying that all of life is just happening to you or around you and you're just a feather in the wind...but I am saying (and mainly to myself here) to lighten up.  Not in a flippant way or a dismissive way, but to let go of the baggage.  Put down the burdens. To relinquish expectations, to let go of the sadness, the losses...to look for hope and the good things.  To shift the focus, take deep breaths, to be present and allow any glimmer of love and peace in.  Let it in.  You'll feel better.

Friends.

These are a few pictures of my friends. My real friends. My husband is one of my best friends, as is my sister - they are also my closest friends (they aren't pictured here and neither is one of my good friends because she didn't want her pic. posted - and like a true friend - I honored that). Everyone wants to be liked and accepted - it's part of being human.  Some people need it or want it more than others and by more or less number of people, etc. however, everyone wants to "get along" and feel like people understand them or at the very least, like them.  I've always been a person who values real, deep friendships.  I have a few very close friends whom I've known majority of my adult life - 17 plus years in some cases!  They are real friends - friends I call in the good and bad times, friends who I feel "know" me and friends whom I "do life" with.    

Anyone who knows me well (or not even that well) knows that I have a strong personality.  I have opinions, I'm not afraid to share them and I'm very honest with anyone who asks me for it (and sometimes even folks who don't), however, I love deeply and I'm loyal once I've decided you are my friend.  I will defend you to any outside person, I will be there for you at 2 am and in every moment of true need, and I will most certainly be your champion at every turn.  I'm genuinely happy for my friends when they do well. I will always want what's best for you and if you need advice or help on anything - I'm there. I also love to have fun and engage deeply in life with you. That's the truth.  I can also be jealous and critical and stubborn.  I can be too sensitive and sometimes I get offended, but I believe if we're true friends, we can talk it out and come to an understanding.  

In the last five years, I've been branching out and connecting with more people (particularly through work, since I've been there a while now) and it's been an interesting experiment. It has been a painful process at times. I've been hurt by people, I've misunderstood people and vice versa, and I've thought friendships were deeper than they were. I've had people not be honest with me or themselves. I've come across people who minimize my feelings by "one-upping" problems.  I've had to find out through social media that I wasn't invited, etc. All of this can breed insecurity, make you feel like, wow, what did I do or make you look at someone differently and think, this isn't a person I want to be close with.  

I've had a tough time taking down the "walls" that I've built to protect myself.  I've been encouraged to be my authentic self with everyone, and what people do with that is their choice. I do believe it's O.K. to be mindful about what you share and who you share it with, but not to the point where you're constantly guarded and distrustful.  I've found that my gut will tell me clearly whether or not the person can be trusted. I've also learned in this process that not everyone is going to be your real friend AND THAT'S OK and in fact, a necessary part of life.  You truly cannot connect on a deeper level with majority of people and again, that's a good and healthy thing.

Time will tell whether the relationship is worth putting in the time or not. Life is too short to waste time on or put energy into empty relationships.  There are ups and downs to every relationship and the lasting ones you will be able to work through your down and hopefully, communicate effectively. Even when you're hurt or there are misunderstandings - the goal is to get better and do better in your relationship and usually conflict is the best teacher.  The lasting friendships will be the friendships that you can share your real feelings, your real self, and will stand the test of time.

There will be times when you'll have to release people (see blog: http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/time-to-let-them-go.html)

I've also made a couple of good friends in the last couple of years too.  Women who I can be real with and who can be real with me.  Women who are willing to put themselves out there and to share their lives.  Women whom are slowly becoming people who I admire and trust.  Women who are championing me and my success and vice versa.  That's a beautiful thing.

Thanksgiving

This year, we bought our first home, we are happily married and I'm coming into my own.  I'm grateful to God for where I am and it's hard to express how far I've come with God's love and faithfulness, but I'm going to give you an abbreviated version of my story (so far) so that if you are someone who needs it (and I think we all need it) you might receive love, light and peace in any dark place you might have.  It's a story of hope.

Six years ago,  I was lying on an empty bedroom floor, crying and asking God why and wishing that everything was over - even my own life.  I kept telling God,  haven't I suffered enough?  Why do this to me?  I kept saying, is it ever going to get better?  I believed I was a failure.  I'd failed at my marriage, failed at my job, failed at life.  I was husbandless, homeless, jobless and pretty darn close to hopeless.  As I lay there, I looked up and with no more tears left, I whispered, God, I beg you, help me.

I stood up, brushed off the dust and packed my suitcase and left with zero clue how I was going to make it. 

I didn't grow up with good role models for relationships and I went to years of therapy to try and "fix myself" and I thought when I entered my first marriage that I had dealt with all my "issues and baggage", however I had barely scratched the surface. Needless to say, despite my best intentions, counseling, and a lot of just trying to suck-it-up and survive it - the first marriage ended in a quick divorce. We barely knew each other when we married and when it ended the parts of each other that we did know, we didn't like.  Disappointed and frankly, disgusted with myself for how things turned out, I thought, well that was it, I had wanted to be the first in my family to stay together and I ruined that, so I was done with the idea of having a lasting marriage.  I was done with the idea that I could really rise above all the wrong ways I learned about what being a partner was.

I was teaching when I got married. My ex-husband had encouraged me to leave the school I was at and when I did I couldn't find another full-time teaching job. I was subbing and barely making enough, which added strain to the already rocky relationship.  When the marriage ended I didn't have a job or health insurance.  The house was in his name, he stayed living there and I left with nothing.  I had basically, my clothes and a few items from the house and very little else.  To this day - I look back and see how God provided - I had good friends who let me live at their houses, rent free for a couple months each, here and there, while I tried to save up money.  Eventually, I started working as a temp, which is where I met my current husband, Chip.

I was starting to get back on my feet - I had decided that teaching had to go on hold for a while and my license had expired so I went back to an "office job" and ended up as an executive assistant at my now husband's office. I got an apartment and furnished it on my own and stopped living at friends houses, which was exciting! When I met him the divorce was just final - I had NO intentions of getting into a relationship, let alone married again.  I had zero expectations of the date even - and it ended up being the date that would change my life.  We ended the night with a kiss and a dream of a future and to this day, I still feel so blessed beyond measure for his presence in my life, the way he loves me and the way we work through our tough times, the way we are true partners and friends - I never would have believed that *I* could have that kind of life. 

Life isn't that easy though and the story doesn't stop there (of course) - I got fired from that job - and ended up having to move out of the apartment I had finally got - and although I had found my dream man - I still had a lot of work to do (as did he) to get to the "dream" marriage.  We had a lot of major hits happen in the beginning of our relationship - moving, job loss, death in the family, financial stuff, etc. etc.  Thankfully, and by God's grace, my sister let me move in with her.  I worked three jobs, took two classes at night to get my teaching license back and Chip and I continued to work on us and get better and better.   Finally, I moved out of my sister's house and Chip and I moved in together. 

Slowly and steadily, we started building our life together.  I started teaching again full-time in 2013 and saving money for our wedding and our future. Despite what anyone or anything tried to throw in the way of our moving forward, we persisted.  Our wedding in 2015 was beautiful and elegant and filled with love.  In October of this year, 2017, we bought our first home and it's bigger and more beautiful than I had thought it would be! We moved in on my birthday. I'm lying on a furnished bedroom floor looking up at the ceiling praising God with tears in my eyes, whispering, Thank you, thank you, thank you.   

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Do you have a hard time saying NO? I think women in particular are trained from a very young age to be "sugar and spice and everything nice" and being nice doesn't include saying no.  It means being accommodating and helpful.  It means putting your own needs to the side and making sure everyone is pleased and happy.  However, where do we fit in that equation?

“Just Say No” was an anti-drug campaign back in the 1980’s. People-pleasing is just like a drug in that it will also rob you of your power and leave you feeling empty. It’s time to stop. 

People are over-worked, stressed, unhappy and pushing themselves to the max every day. We over-schedule, over-do and with all the great technology, we rarely 'unplug'.  I’ve been strongly considering implementing a no phone, no internet or social media and maybe even no TV - one day a week. I think my body and mind will thank me.  It will take discipline.  Not just disciplining myself, but others around me.

I’ve been practicing mindfulness for years now, but only in the last few years have I felt that it actually has taken hold in my life.  Part of being mindful is truly paying attention to my thoughts, feelings, actions and speech.  It’s paying attention to my body.  It’s not just paying attention, but also listening and then following through.  So when my body says - I’m stressed or that’s too much for me right now - I’ve learned when to push and when to pause.  That means - I say no.  That means true self-care and self-control.  

If someone asks me to do something and I know I can’t do it and I know it is too much - wait for it - I say no.  And not only do I say no, but I’m working on not apologizing and not giving a long explanation as to why I can’t and avoid the guilt trap.  Be prepared when you start to say no, people will get mad, annoyed, give you a guilt trip or flat out say, well why not?  As if you owe anyone an explanation.  Your time is your own and it doesn’t require explanation.  It doesn’t mean you’re a selfish jerk (no matter what anyone says).

I’ve been thinking a lot about Oprah’s saying - live your best life.  My best life is not overdone, it’s peaceful, simple as it can be and full of love and genuine time spent doing what is beneficial to me and those I love.  

If you’re a people-pleaser (which many women are) this may be a very radical concept.  This may feel impossible and you may worry so much about the fall-out and making others feel bad or think this or that about you, that you will just say yes to avoid all that discomfort. However, guess what?  They will get over it.  If they are a person who loves you and truly respects you - they will move on.  No one is going to die because you didn’t go to the birthday party, bake the cupcakes, or agree to stay late for the 509th time.  

Just try it.  Say no. Period. Don’t explain or go on and on about how you normally would and if only you weren’t doing ...just say no.  I promise you it will get easier and it will give you a sense of freedom and control that you may have never felt before. 

People Don't Understand What I Do

People just don't understand what I do.  I am a teacher.  An elementary school teacher in a city school.  I work hard.  I work tremendously hard, every single day.  I see and hear about trauma that my students experience on a daily basis.  Some of my students don't know one or both of their parents, some of my students have parents that are incarcerated, some of my students have parents who are dysfunctional beyond your imagination.  Some of my students have pain and hurts that I will never be able to comprehend.  They bring that to school.  They're expected to learn - a lot - and take tests and perform, when they aren't on grade level, when they're struggling emotionally, when they're too young to be able to say, I can't think because I'm hurting and I have to deal with adult stuff, but I'm just a kid.  I do everything I can - I try to give them love, structure, discipline, and safety.  I try to talk with them about who they are and how they're feeling, what is happening in their lives and I try desperately to give them some kind of education and future they can cling to. I try to support them and yet, also teach them and give them skills and tools for learning, as well as life. This job is not for the faint of heart.

I get to work by 8:30 stay until at least 4:30 and have approx. 20 minutes a day to eat and use the bathroom.  I'm supposed to have a 45 minute planning period every day, but twice a week that planning is taken up with meetings.  The planning usually ends up being about 25 minutes by the time you drop the kids off wherever they have to go and if there's no substitute - then I have my kids and no planning.  During the planning time you're supposed to grade papers, do any number of a 100 administrative tasks, call parents, write notes, make copies, review lesson plans and curriculum, etc. etc.  There is NO way on God's green earth that I could ever get all the tasks done that I need to get done in a 40 hour work week.  It is impossible.  I've tried.  I'm an incredibly organized, efficient, work smarter/not harder kind of person - anyone who knows me can attest to this.  I can literally get 100 things done in one day...but I can't walk on water or move mountains - even though on some days I try, hard.

I won't go into the outside stuff because I'm afraid of reprisal.  There are so many factors I cannot mention that make the job harder. SO MANY.

I will say this though - please STOP looking at me as if I'm a glorified babysitter or someone who just frolics with little children and reads and does crafts all day.  Please do not insult my intelligence, my education, training, experience and expertise by saying, "Aw, that's sweet" when I tell you what I do.  Please do NOT say, "Well, you do get allllll that time off."  Yes, I do, but I'm telling you now, I work more in 10 months than most people do in 12 for half the pay and respect.  I am quite honestly, one of the most intelligent, loving, caring and talented individuals I know and yet, I am paid half of what other folks I know are (aside from my amazing colleagues and friends who are also teachers or in education) with SIGNIFICANTLY less education, training or experience.  And you know what else I really am peeved about - please, for the love of God, stop saying that I should just do it because I love it and not expect a big salary.  Please.  No other job would be possible without my job.  I teach the basics - reading, writing, math, science and social studies (history/civics).  I have to be able to break down ANY subject to an elementary level, get them to pass tests, to think, to reason and to somehow learn independence and heaven-forbid a little creativity along the way.

It's physical, it's emotional and I make hundreds of decisions daily.  I deal with regular, systematic disrespect and in some cases, actual abuse.  "Society" loves to talk about how it values teachers, but overall, I'd say not.  Media loves to talk about all those creative teachers around the country that do special hand-shakes or give out toothpaste to their kids, who spend their own money, who sacrifice time with their own families/children to care for others, yet they also LOVE to point out the bad seeds.  They love to do stories on bad teachers and all the harm they do.  We aren't treated like professionals, we are treated like robots.  We are expected to perform miracles and a lot of times we do.  We really do - those of us that care - those of us that still love our kids, even though all the other "stuff" has threatened to break us more than once.

No one knows that there have been many nights I have laid in bed crying about a child, for a child, praying for a child, wishing I could help/save a child.  No one knows that there have been countless moments of true success and happiness that happen every day when I see a child "get it" or when I know they've connected something or applied something they've learned to real life.  No one knows that I talk about the kids like they were my own or that I sometimes wish they were.  No one knows how hurt and insulted and down right horrible I've felt because of what a parent/admin/or a coworker has said or done.  Sometimes the job hurts.  A lot.  Sometimes it's amazing and a gift.

I'm not "complaining" although it may sound like it.  I just wish that someone, somewhere would simply understand the pressures we face and realize that you will continue to have teacher shortages and fewer people going into the profession, as long as this "attitude" about teachers continues.  We aren't heroes, but we are human.  Please remember that.

I want to be beautiful.

So is this what it takes to be beautiful?  I wanted to buy another soap yesterday - the latest thing that is supposed to clear your skin and make your pores smaller, cleanse and beautify.  Before I did that I said, let me see how much soap we already have. It was an entire gallon bag full of it - unopened.  I decided I didn't want to throw it all away, but what could I do with it? Google.  Shelters can take donations. I called around, no one answered, except the Salvation Army, so I asked them and they said absolutely we can take it and we brought that gallon bag of unopened soap to a good home and I felt good that we didn't just toss it.

I also wanted to buy another lotion.  My mother-in-law gave me this wonderful tube of hand lotion and I really like it and the way it smells and feels, but I've used it all up and so I wanted more.  Then I looked around and said, whoa, I have SO many lotions!  I have 20 lotions.  20!  What in the world??

It got me thinking about all the stuff I have in order to be "beautiful"  ... from make up to lotions, to hair removal, hair care, nails, skin, etc. etc.  It's TOO MUCH!  I realized that I'm not a clothes horse; I don't buy that many clothes and I purge my closet every season and give to Goodwill whatever I haven't worn that season.  I don't buy shoes often enough probably. I wait until they have holes in them and then get rid of them and buy a new pair.  However, I buy way too many lotions and potions and the latest thing that will "make me beautiful." I want to look like I'm 21 and smell like a flower all the time while being hairless everywhere except my head and that hair needs to be perfect and smooth and lovely...

I'm not 21, my legs are currently unshaven, and I don't always smell like a daisy.  I'm a real woman and I rarely look at myself and think I'm beautiful.  To be perfectly honest with you, I rarely look at myself at all.  I think when I was younger I may have had an outward, false sense of confidence and pride in my looks, but as I grew up that was teased and bullied out of me rather quickly. I soon learned that to be confident or proud even, of what you looked like was to be "stuck up" or "full of yourself" or even "vain."  Whatever I was confident about in my looks was torn down by others and slowly, I began to feel less than.  I began to focus on what I need to change or "fix" and lost the focus on what was beautiful about me.  

This is a problem that has persisted my entire adult life. How do I look?  That question.  Then there are other times when I just am like, well, this is good enough.  The weight wasn't a factor until the last five years or so, but that's a whole other blog.  I think the problem of what is beautiful for a woman becomes more intense as we age and then not only do we have to look "good," but we also now have to look young.  But we aren't young...

Step in - beauty business - buy this and you'll be beautiful!  It became a quest. I want to be beautiful and so all these products claim that I'll be 20 years younger and have perfect skin, hair, nails - I will become beautiful if I just pluck it, slather it on, wax it, shave it, tease it, lotion it, perfume it, lacquer it, buff and shine it (whatever it is).  

And you know what I've discovered - on this journey to loving myself? The real beauty secret is health.  Mental health. Wellness from the inside out.  Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise your body, take care of your MIND and mental well-being, your SPIRIT and the rest of the stuff won't matter quite as much.  I've been doing a daily affirmation with my kids and we say, "I am kind. I am honest.  I am enough.  I am loved." and at the end we give ourselves a big hug. I did it as much for them as I did for me.  I thought - maybe if someone had taught me these things from the time I was young - it would be easier for me to believe and live into now.

P.S.  I have now decided I will have ONE of each "beauty" item and use it until it's gone - not only to cut down on my spending on this stuff, but also to remind myself that how I feel about myself is the most important thing I have.   

Respect Yourself Enough to Walk Away

I don't have a lot to say right now, but I've had a moment of true clarity today.  This is all I have to say (do with it what you will): There will come a point in your life when there's such clarity that you must act, you don't know how you will act or what you will do, but you know you must MOVE because you cannot stay where you are one more dreadful, painful, horrifying minute.

Kauai Beach Resort: A Review

Kauai Beach Resort

The next three parts of the my series on Kauai are a departure from my "typical" blog because they are going to be reviews of the place we stayed and the next part will be a review of the restaurants and food we ate while on the island.  I actually LOVE to travel (although I'm not in love with flying) to new places and to eat out and according to Trip Advisor, I have 19,509 readers, 33 reviews and 18 helpful votes. I have zero clue how they track these things, but I assume they're legit.  Either way, I decided that I should share here instead and perhaps, might make it a more permanent part of my blog as time goes on.  After all, I am very honest, have good taste, and love to share my experiences with others in hopes that they do, indeed, find it helpful.

People - ALL the staff was incredible, kind, friendly, Jocelyn at the Towel Hut was amazing and Liz at the front desk that checked us in was also awesome! The cleaning crew did a phenomenal job, even called on the day I couldn't get out of bed to say they were sorry that the "do not disturb" sign was on and if I needed anything, they would gladly provide it for me at the front desk.  The day they forgot or ran out of lotion for our room re-stock, they gave me some at the front desk and an extra the next time.  I also visited the concierge to ask about acupuncture on the island and the woman (didn't write down her name) as so helpful, knowledgeable and kind (sadly, wasn't able to get acupuncture while there, but I think it would have rocked!).

Room - paper thin walls, we could hear the entire conversations of the people next to us, nice updated and modern decor 

Pool - beautiful and well-maintained, loved the amount of shaded areas and the chairs were nice and in good shape, a great pool-side bar, hot-tub, waterfalls, and a slide and wading pool area for the kids.

Beach - we could see it from our room and it was literally a 2 minute walk to the beach, amazing, but in desperate need of a full-time clean up crew (more on that in Part 4)

Gym - needs to be expanded add more machines, however it was well-stocked with plenty of fresh towels, wipes and water, and a nice working T.V. and a decent amount of weights and equipment for small space. 

Spa - needs an upgrade, need heated beds that actually work and are more plush, also some nicer rooms and an offer of water after the service, the service was pretty expensive (142 with tip for 50 minutes) and they didn't go a minute over or do any nice extras that I've had at lesser salons!  It's a resort spa and the experience was rather lack-luster.

Yoga - epic fail, first of all it was super early 7:30 AM, yet hot as hell on the lawn between the pool and the beach.  It would have been beautiful and serene with the ocean waves in the background, but it was so hot it was uncomfortable and we were all sweating a lot.  They should have put up some umbrellas or tents.  Also, the yoga "instructor" doubled as a concierge at the resort and was on his phone texting between poses which I thought was incredibly unprofessional.  He did an O.K. job, but it definitely could have been a lot better experience.  I've done yoga on the beach in Naples, it was equally hot and crazy, but the instructor brought cool towels, essentials oils and a misting fan and that was a 10 dollar pick-up class!

Restaurants - there are 3 on-site restaurants that were all pretty good, and a very good breakfast buffet (I'll review those in my next blog post)

OH - and chickens are everywhere, which I personally found hilarious, but I know some of the guests were a little freaked out by it.  I say, live and let live and they didn't bother me. They definitely were everywhere.  

Overall - I'd say a 4/5 star place and I would go back in a minute! Perhaps they'd like to have me back at a discounted rate so that I experience more and raise my review to a 5!  😉😉

Disappointment

Feeling an awful lot of disappointment this week.  Getting back from vacation is, of course, a let down in many ways, but also a number of things are going on that are leading me to feel less than "happy."

First, we came back to nothing but crazy, endless news about Charlottesville and I guess because we live in VA and because many of our friends and/or acquaintances went to UVA, we hear about it even more.  Although, no doubt, it's drawn major national attention and it's "the" news story of the week, possibly now even, the month.  I'm disappointed in people's reactions, in the endless news coverage, in the fact that we simply seem to be deteriorating as a society, that no one knows what is real or fake in the media coverage we see and no one can seem to even listen to each other or think critically about what they read or see.  I mean have we gone so far off the rails we can't distinguish fact from fiction?  I'm afraid to make any comments on anything because I fear it will be misconstrued or that I'll lose a friend because we disagree.  It's come that far.  I am not a white supremacist or a racist and of course, I completely condemn anything or anyone associated with that type of thinking or behavior - I think it's safe to say that much.  As for all the other stuff - I'm going to remain silent.

Second, and perhaps even more important to me, I'm feeling that "I'm 40 and I'm not where I want to be" thing.  I thought I'd be at a certain place "by now."  I'm having a tough time accepting where things are and that things will come in time and that this is somehow part of God's plan.  I don't get it and I don't like it and that's just the truth of it all.  Even as I type this - I think - delete it, delete it, delete it because this is too real and too much for folks and you shouldn't be putting yourself out there THAT much.  I know I must accept it and I know I've got to look to turn toward gratitude and adjust my attitude.  I know that.  I'll get there, but maybe not today.

Third, I've been cut off completely by someone I thought was a friend.  Someone I liked and admired and thought there could be a potential strong friendship with.  I don't seek out friendships often - in fact it's rare and the recent incident with this person are one of the reasons why.  People aren't predictable and they aren't always what they seem.  I'm rarely wrong about a person, but every once in a while, I am. The thing that bugs me most about it is that it was a complete misunderstanding and within minutes of the "text conversation" which I suppose was part of the problem - she thought I was being rude and I didn't think I was and then literally she was angry and offended and I was totally taken aback - she blocked me and unfriended me.  And just like that, poof, done.  I was and am still kind of stunned.  It was a matter of minutes and that "friendship" was over. I guess that says something about the friendship - it wasn't really that strong or real to begin with - if you can cut someone off that quickly, that easily - they didn't mean that much to you. I guess it's always good to know where you stand.

Disappointment comes from unmet expectations. The minute a person is capable of letting go of expectations and taking things as they come, they are in a far better state of mind. I am also coming back to the "don't take it personal" thing (Four Agreements) and I realize - that's exactly what I need to do - keep moving toward the goals, yet stay present and LET IT GO.  There's something good in almost every seemingly "bad" situation and even if you have to get out your microscope - you can probably find it.  In the meantime, I'm just going to ride the wave and go back to Hawaii in my mind.

I belong on the island.

Just look at this photo!  First of all, as I expressed in my previous post: http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/07/i-look-fat.html  you know that I am not a huge fan of pictures of myself.  This picture though, I love. I'm beaming.  My body looks good, my smile, my hair and most of all I'm glowing from that Hawaii love.  The minute we stepped off the plane I felt a sense of contentment.  The views were spectacular already and it was sundown!

I belong in the islands.  The hubs says it's too expensive there, but I say, who cares?  Those views are worth it.  Who wouldn't want to wake up and go to sleep to the sound of the ocean and the wind in the palms?  Everywhere we went it was like a post card.  Every view was mind blowing.  I'm a nature person and honestly believe that I'm so much more connected to God in nature.  If you have ever read, "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren - the section on "naturalist" - that's me.  Maybe it's because I grew up camping and fishing in Oregon and some of my fondest memories from early childhood were of the beaches in Jersey or Florida...who knows, but what I do know is, I belong near the sea.  Very near the sea.  And how much more near to the ocean can you be than an island??

I've told you, years ago, I was in Maui.  After talking to many natives there in Kauai, I discovered that Maui is now "blown up" and "over developed."  That's a real shame and I pray Kauai stays as small as it can and that many people don't go crazy trying to move there.  Although, I now want to move there and am thinking of how I can get back there!  The one highway they have is already pretty packed and most of the places you go to eat and shop already have mobs of people. Most places get ruined by too many people moving there.  

I think I should do a study on "island time."  A quick google search reveals that there doesn't appear to be any research on "island time" and why folks aren't really in a rush to get here or there or to be on "time" or to serve you quick or whatever. There could be something to this. Is that the draw?  The slowed nature of the place, the leisurely pace at which most things are done?  I realize I was "on vacation", but my husband was working and it appeared to be the way of life, not just for tourists. Perhaps in a life of hurry up, go go go and do do do ...it's a breath of fresh air to be in a space where people really are living at a pace that's far more manageable. People are breathing, in and out, in and out, in a more calm and meditative state.  Someone joked that they even took a day off of school/work for surfing. 

While I was there I experienced a horrible migraine, but I still went to the beach and the pool and out to eat with my husband. I spent the next day (this one lasted two days because I forgot my meds back home - awesome!)  in the room while I suffered and vomited, but I rallied to go up the coast to watch the sunset and eat fish tacos with my husband. There was so much to see and I didn't want to miss the memory.  "Life" will find you wherever you are, trust me, I was in paradise and thought, oh my gosh I've wasted it.  Truth be told, I wasn't in control of it.  I didn't waste it, I actually made the best of it. I'm glad it happened, believe it or not, because it reminded me that nothing is perfect all the time. Life really is what you make of it and how you deal with what arises.  Pictures don't show all that's behind the scenery, but the true picture has a thousand details.  

A lesson the island reminded me of: Take time out of your "busy life" for the ebb and flow of the tides. Marvel at the creation around you and PAUSE.  Ride the waves, let them flow over you if you must, emerge from them with a new found sense of peace and understanding.  IF you fall off the board, get back up and try again.  Life is beautiful.  The spirit of the island is Mahalo, which truly is, gratitude. 

                  Mahalo, Kauai for the incredible memories.

I look JUST like that swimsuit model!

The title says it all.  The disturbing and brutal nature of the dreaded task of swimsuit shopping (cue music from the movie Psycho).  You go in thinking, "I'll try to make this fun." Some of us may even bring along a girlfriend or a trusted family member that you know will be honest with you, but at the same time not run screaming from the dressing room in horror and/or uncontrollable laughter. However, try as you might, it just isn't fun.  In fact, it's just torturous.

First, let me say, I have ZERO clue who is wearing half of these suits ... these itty, bitty, teeny, tiny things...I mean they barely cover ANYTHING. I don't know, but it's NOT me. Even if I did have the body for it, I wouldn't do it.  Perhaps I'm too conservative.  I used to wear a bikini and feel like, of course I'm wearing a bikini - I wouldn't even consider a one piece!  Now I put on a bikini and just laugh or cry!  Why do the one pieces and tankinis have to be so boring - the prints look old and the shapes are just blah and there seems to be no support in the tops...just letting the girls go wherever! No thanks.

Second, can't we dim the lights and maybe play some soothing music while we do this awful task? I wasn't at a specialty place or a boutique - I was at Target, Walmart and Kohls (budget friendly) so maybe that was part of the problem - maybe the lighting is better at the swim shop or the sales people are there to comfort you or give you a pep talk, maybe even a glass of wine or a shot of tequila.  I just refuse to pay 80-150 bucks on a piece of clothing I wear a dozen of times throughout the year.

Third, I tried so hard not to do the whole negative self-talk thing.  I had to stop myself several times from saying out loud, You are so fat.  Look at this and look at that and if you hadn't gained so much weight this wouldn't be such a horrible experience.  I don't know if it's worse having been thin and being mostly comfortable with my body majority of my adult life or to have been heavier your whole life and not "remember when."  I think honestly, it's hard either way.  And I bet that even thin or in shape girls judge their bodies and feel bad about this part or that part or wish they had those boobs or that butt or those legs or whatever.  I can remember when I was thin, I used to want bigger breasts and less muscular legs...now I want a flat stomach and thin thighs, zero back fat and muscular arms like I used to have and I would be fine with having my 20 something chest.  Sigh. 

After trying on 20 different suits and sending several pictures to my sister and my husband for their opinions - I finally decided on a suit.  It's a tankini and I'm sad.  It looks cute, the design is cute, it was the one that made me look the slimmest, but I'm sad because I want to be back to my old weight and in my old body.  I don't want to go back to that time  (http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/07/i-used-to-be-hot.html), but I sure do want to go back to that body.  I feel sad because I want to wear a bikini.  The guy at the check out asked if I was ok (I guess my downtrodden face and slumped shoulders gave me away) and I said, yeah, just bathing suit shopping.  You wouldn't understand.  He just smiled and bagged my stuff.  

I'm just being honest here - it's a real struggle.  I don't think it's unrealistic to have that particular goal weight or muscles or shape or whatever, I know it's possible because I've seen women twice my age who look fantastic and are in far better shape than I am currently.  Yet, I wonder what is really holding me back?  That's something I'll need to explore further.  

I know one thing, I'm proud of myself today because 1) I stopped the negative self-talk and didn't go there and stay there for the entire rest of the day - no matter how tempting  2) I didn't leave the store and go eat a box of donuts and McDonald's.  3) I promised myself that this time next year - I will have a banging body and I will wear whatever bikini I want and I'll do what it takes to get there. That's what loving yourself really is and I'm glad I'm getting there.

P.S.  I was going to post the umpteen pictures I took while I shopping today and thought, NO, my luck this would be the one post that goes crazy viral and gets thousands or millions of hits! Ha ha ha ha ha!

For laughs: http://www.worldlifestyle.com/beauty-style/12-thoughts-every-woman-has-when-bikini-shopping

I woke up like this!

Snap!

Confession:  I have a love/hate relationship with social media.  I believe it is causing the death of true socialization and human interaction everywhere.  Yet, I use it to promote my blog and I use it to write funny quips on twitter about my favorite TV shows – still waiting for Andy Cohen to notice my endless Bravo tweets – hasn’t happened yet, but a girl can dream!  I love Snapchat and have cried from laughter over snaps (also pondered going to a salon to get those lashes in real life).  I’ve remarked to my husband several times how I want him to get the Snapchat app so I can send him cute snaps – he refuses.  I’ve also said that the folks who invented Snapchat are serious GENIUSES.  I don’t do Instagram or YouTube, but I consider it because I want to continue to shamelessly promote myself and my writing (HA!).  Our world is driven by the internet and social media - we cannot escape it.

Here’s the flip side to social media – it doesn’t promote REAL relationships.  Some of the “friends” on my Facebook page, I have not seen in years and some of them I don’t even “follow” because their posts annoy me to no end and some of them I’m certain do the same to me.  That’s another thing – why do we “unfollow” people, yet not “unfriend” them.  It’s like there’s some new, weird social media etiquette that says – I don’t like you enough to look at your posts, but I don’t dislike you enough to completely “unfriend” you.  Huh??? Perhaps it’s the terminology, “unfriend” sounds very unfriendly and kind of mean.

Are these folks truly your friend? 1000+ friends – really? Unless you’re a celebrity or it's your business page - you cannot honestly tell me that you’re truly FRIENDS with all those people! That just doesn’t make sense to me.  I suppose it depends on your definition of friend, but it doesn’t fit mine, for certain.

It’s also – fake.  I mean, as I stated before, I love Snapchat, but I don’t really look like that! The filters take away all the flaws and give you great lips, lashes, and cute little ears and voice changers, etc.  They distort the reality, which can be fun and funny, but also confusing. You’ve also heard a million times – that people only post or show what they want you to see or what they think looks best (http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/07/i-look-fat.html).  A good friend of mine said Facebook or Instagram are people’s “highlight reel” – not their real life.  

I was watching this video recently (it’s been floating around for a while) about millennials. In the video it talks about how people (particularly millennials) are longing for connection, yet they aren’t really connecting.  It also talked about how looking at Facebook (and I’m sure other social media) actually lends itself to depression.  Human beings need to be able to look each other in the eye, read each other’s body language, touch one another, and speak with each other in order to truly build a relationship and bond.  You cannot get the same authentic and genuine interaction with someone online as you can in person.  I’m not saying you can’t connect, but I am saying, it’s not the same and it’s not as good.

I’ll leave you with this story – I’ve been off for summer “break” and not on my regular schedule and slowly my depression has started to creep up on me again.  I mentioned it to my acupuncturist and he told me, get out of your house and be amongst people.  Get out.  I made a conscious effort to set up different meetings on different days (giving me something to look forward to throughout the week) with three of my closest and dearest friends.  I spent hours listening, talking, laughing, praying and enjoying their presence each time.  One thing every single one of them did when they saw me, was hug me.  Hug me so close and so tight, saying, “Hi my friend, I’ve missed you and I am so glad to be with you now.”  It was exactly what I needed.   I encourage you today – get off whatever device you’re on – and connect with people in real life!  It will make a world of difference!

I used to be hot.

Ten Years Ago in Maui 

It dawned on me recently that ten years ago I went to Maui.  Ten years ago - this was my body!  I used to be hot.  A full-circle moment is about to happen.  We have been blessed with an opportunity to go to Kauai. 
I was younger, obviously THINNER, with abs and muscles and all that good stuff.  I was looking at the pics I have from that trip and was thinking wow, so much has changed, not just my body, but my soul. My inner self has grown exponentially, thank God.  I still have things to work on and I still have some of the same old fears and insecurities, but they don't rule me as much as they used to and the progress I've made is incredible. 

Back then I was in a marriage that I didn't have any business being in - in hind sight - I made that choice out of complete fear and without clarity (and rather hastily).  I married someone thinking that would "complete" me, save me and because I was desperately afraid of becoming a spinster cat lady (now I've embraced my cat lady-ness - even though I am married, ha ha ha!). I will be the first to admit I made a lot of really bad choices in that marriage.  I was a truly broken person on so many levels and I didn't know until I got into that marriage that I had so much more work to do.  

I doubt my ex-husband reads my blog, but if he does he knows that I've changed and evolved. Although I don't regret having married him or the fact that it ended - I do regret some of the things that happened that led to the end of that marriage.  We either grow and change and look back at mistakes we've made with sadness or we just continue to make them.  I'm happy to say that I have changed for the better.

In this full-circle moment - I'm so glad to say, although I'm not as physically fit as I used to be and maybe I don't feel as "hot" as I used to, but I am emotionally and spiritually healthier and far more beautiful.  I can say with absolute certainty that I am in a FAR better place now and in a marriage that is healthy and I'm so much more whole than I ever was back then.  

What have I learned?  
1) What's in your heart and your mind, matter so much more than what you look like.   
2) Forgiveness - esp. of yourself - is incredibly important to being emotionally healthy and for growth. 
3) DO NOT make decisions based on fear.  Fear is not from love.

*PS This picture has inspired me to get more disciplined to lose weight and be "hot" again - more on that later :)
 *PPS  I was very hesitant to post this picture for fear that people will say, oh she used to be hot, she blew up, etc., but I think it's important to be real and to know that I am still lovable and wonderful no matter what my body looks like!

Maybe I'm overthinking this...

Recently I met someone and they said, "You seem like you overthink things."  And then I actually talked about that comment to them, to my husband and to my sister and NOW I'm blogging about it (so do you think I overthink things? Hahahaha).   To think about (something) too much or for too long - the dictionary definition.  Yep, I do this.  At first I was offended, but I stopped myself. Instead of getting angry about this or thinking well, that person doesn't even know me, that's a snap judgment and who are they to say, etc.  I stopped and said, OK, this struck a chord in me, why?  Truth is because I DO overthink things.  A lot.  In fact it is a behavior I want to change.  

What do you do when you want to change a behavior?  Well, first think of why you want to change it.  In this case because overthinking messes with my life in many ways.  It usually creates problems that aren't there or causes me to lose sleep or sometimes manifests anxiety and fear that is not at all helpful or necessary.  It can put me in a bad mood or every once and a while cause conflict with others when truly, if I had just "let it go" and not continued to dwell or think about it, it would have just gone away.

If you're like me, maybe you've decided you want to be lighter and more free!  You want to let go of the old baggage (and don't add to them)!  You want to be able to enjoy your life and free yourself from negative self-talk and overthinking.   Now that the choice is made, it's time to commit to some kind of action and DO it!

Just in a quick search I found 10 articles on how to stop overthinking!!  Here are three of my favorites:  

Don't think about what could go wrong, think about what could go right!  So that's one thing we can do - every time you start to pose a negative question or ask what if x,y, z goes wrong...say, no, let's think positively and consider all the wonderful possibilities and how this could go so right!

Get physical - go for a walk, exercise, tire your body out and refocus your energy!  This is a great way to redirect your thoughts. Not only will you feel better, but you you'll look better too!  Win, win.  

Don't vent - wait, what?  Yep.  Believe it or not (and this will be hard for me too) venting usually just leads to more stress and more overthinking.  If you must talk about it - set a time limit - I'm gonna talk about this for 5 minutes and then be done and make sure you're doing it with a trusted friend or spouse that can handle telling you - hey!  we aren't talking about that anymore, we've got a solution or we've discussed it from all angles, now let's let it go! And then...let it go!

And my own: 

Pray - give it up to God!  God can handle anything and is bigger than any problem! You don't have to think about it so much - God's got this!
Here are a few of the articles I read and found useful hints from all of them:

https://www.inc.com/lolly-daskal/10-simple-ways-you-can-stop-yourself-from-overthinking.html

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-stop-overthinking-start-living/

https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/get-over-overthinking