I Cried Today

I cried today in the Dollar Tree as we were walking passed the "baby shower" items.  The plates were decorated with baby elephants and tigers and other animals.  I start my cycle this week.  I already know and have the signs and symptoms.  We were in public, so I only allowed myself a moment.  A moment to wipe the tears and to take a breath.  To remind myself that it's not over yet.  That I'm O.K.  This is grieving.  This is grief.  Anyone who has lost someone or let something go or has had to say good-bye - knows this.  When you think, oh I'm free of that hurt now, oh look at me thriving and doing great!  Bam.  Out of nowhere.  Truly.  Out. Of. Nowhere.  Or maybe out of somewhere deep...it just popped up.  It was something about the blue plates, the pink plates, the green for the in-between not-gonna-find-out-the-gender-like-old-school plates.  It was something about my desire to decorate our child's room in an elephant theme.  It was something about the dream not yet fulfilled.  It made me cry.

We got home and found this package on my door.  So. Unexpected.  Inside it was the above shirt and note.  A good friend of the family sent it to me.  A while ago I saw her with this shirt on and said, OH, I love that shirt!  I wanted to know where to get it.  A few days ago she sent me a message and I thought, strange she was asking about my shirt size and address.  I don't know why I didn't put two and two together.  I was probably tired.  I was probably rushed.  When I opened the package, I cried.  The thoughtfulness and the kindness of a friend.  I don't even know the last time I've seen Michelle and yet, she did this. She didn't know that I had breakfast with my niece and nephew just before that Dollar Tree visit and that I left longing more and more for our own child than I have in a while.  She didn't know that I sat wishing we had gone on their trip to Disney with our own kid and that maybe someday we would do that for our child(ren) (my family just went to Disney for the kids first time and were thanking us for taking care of the dogs while they were away, with a breakfast).  She didn't know that we talked about age, and my husband's upcoming birthday.  Or that I was reminded of my own age this morning by my slowly appearing wrinkles and the grey hair at the crown of my head as I looked in the mirror.  

She didn't know any of that.

I cried today because of the sadness.  I cried today because the dream is slowly dying.  I cried today for the glimmer of hope that still remains.  I cried today because of the kindness of our friend.  I cried today because my faith is as small as a mustard seed, but God said it can still move a mountain.  

Today, the mountain did not move, but God came and sat with me on the mountain and offered me a tissue and a hug, in the form of a t-shirt and a note.