This is a difficult journey - self-love. When you've spent a good majority of your life thinking deep, dark, negative stuff about yourself it's not going to change overnight.
I'm sharing what helps me along the way in hopes it will help you too. I remind myself that it's OK to use as many tools as necessary and to keep going. I've been listening to and repeating morning affirmations and meditations and I picked up the Tony Robbins book, "Awaken The Giant Within" again and it's a slow go. This is a book that requires thought and action and it's 500+ pages. My giant is kinda hiding and semi-asleep right now. I'm working on waking her up, but seems there's always something holding her back. Probably - no - definitely - fear.
I came across this in the reading last night:
Morning Power Questions - questions to ask yourself as you're beginning your day (and Robbins suggests if this is difficult, as it was for me this morning, you can add the word could - What could I be happy about, etc.)
1) What am I happy about in my life now?
2) What am I excited about in my life now?
3) What am I proud about in my life now?
4) What am I grateful about in my life now?
5) What am I enjoying most in my life now?
6) What am I committed to in my life now?
7) Who do I love? Who loves me?
There are evening questions, too.
1) What have I given today?
2) What did I learn today?
3) How has today added to the quality of my life or how can I use today as an investment in my future?
His suggestion is to also ask yourself the morning questions again in the evening.
Robbins has made millions and I doubt he'll care that a little ole blogger like me is sharing his work, but to be clear, I didn't write these questions, he did. They're taken directly from page 195 of his book.
I'm going to add these to my "I refuse to give up on me" tool kit. Happy Saturday.
As you know last week our cat almost died. Dead. Death is not scary to me, but it's the unknown that scares me. What happens next? I'm always desperate to know so I can "prepare" or "plan" ... I'm fine with whatever the news is, be it cancer or death or whatever, but I just need to KNOW. The fact is folks, you just don't know. You do not know what will happen next - even if you're psychic and can read the future - you don't get the messages in clear, black and white, typed out, easy-to-read answers. In church yesterday the pastor mentioned Adam and Eve and their desire to "be God". Isn't that what wanting to know is all about? We believe (even I do) that knowledge is power and that if we just know, then everything will be OK because we saw it coming and we prepared. Is that really true though? I'm an investigator by nature, I'm a teacher and knowledge seeker. I want to know. In this day and age of information everywhere and the want/need to decipher what we learn, etc. there's so much out there to know. I want to be ready and to be informed. I want to know.
We didn't know. There were tests run and waiting and more tests and more waiting. In the waiting I was distraught. I was crying as if he was dying; as if he was dead. I was praying and crying and just needing answers. I got the answer I needed, but not the one I was looking for. The vet we took him to kept saying "cancer" and "euthanasia" and "the worst I've seen" etc. It was just so grim. I talked to our mobile vet, she is the one who comes to the house for just maintenance and she came and helped our Queen over to the other side. She's amazing and loving and kind. She and I talked on the phone and she said the most helpful words I had heard that entire five days, "Don't give up on him, don't give up." And you know what I did? I got up off the couch. I wiped my face and I cleaned his entire litter box area from top to bottom and I said to myself, I'm going to prepare this house as if he's coming home. I said out loud - I rebuke this negative attitude and I choose faith. If he doesn't come home, I'll deal with it then. If he doesn't survive this, I'll deal with it then. Until then, I will prepare this house and act as if he is coming home. I will believe that he is coming back and that he will be well.
I believe that this was the true turning point. I began to visualize him coming home and playing with Lu Lu and curling up on my lap and sleeping next to me as he did before. I envisioned him eating again and back to his normal self. Chill and relaxed as he was. I began to feel infinitely better. I began to hope and to feel OK. I didn't feel happy or elated, but I felt OK. I felt like I could breathe. I didn't have any more answers that afternoon then I did in the days before, but I felt in my heart that everything would be OK. And it was. And it is.
Fozzy is back home and doing wonderfully. I don't know how long it will last, I don't know what will come next, and we still don't know for certain what it was that made him sick - if it's cancer or not. The tests he needed for certainty weren't able to be done because he was so sick. I'm not going to get the tests done either. We are so glad to have him here and we are so grateful to God and to everyone who prayed for him and for us. I believe that God saved Him and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I believe that God gave me the strength and gave me the courage and the ability to SEE it differently. I believe He was healed because I refused to give up. It was by faith. I carry that in my heart and that's all the knowledge I need.
It's dangerous to have hope....because "what if", but it feels so much better to have hope and to believe than it does to live in fear and darkness. It takes guts to say, I don't care what it is, I'm going to act as if. I'm going to prepare my house for all the blessings. I'm going to look around and SEE my blessings. I'm going to be grateful. I'm not going to be down and out before I even know the outcome. I'm going to believe the outcome is good. I'm going to believe. I'm going to prepare this house for the blessings.
Prepare your house for whatever it is you're looking for friends. If it's good for you and if it's what is meant to be - prepare your house. Get clear and get ready. Your blessings are right in front of you. Be well my dear readers, be well.
We've heard this phrase a lot - especially women - know your worth. It means - don't devalue yourself, it means don't put up with "stuff" when you shouldn't. For me it also means - know to whom you belong and from whence you came - know you're meant for greatness, not mediocrity. Women in particular I've noticed, as a whole, in general do not know their worth. Or they spend an awful lot of time denying their worth and not standing up for themselves. I told a young woman the other day (half my age...good God, how did that happen??) that she needed to be an advocate for herself. She needed to speak up because the fact is - if you don't - who will? It's true for everyone, not just women.
I pondered this a while, why is it that women still in the 21st century, have trouble advocating for themselves and standing up for what they actually want? Is it "society"? Is it that we are the "more emotional" sex? I don't know the answer really. I'm certain there are dozens of theories out there as to why this is, but whatever the case, I notice it a lot. Perhaps that's something to research further at another time.
I would say that in my own life, I personally have been called or talked about as a "b" (trying to keep it clean here) because I've done just that, spoke my mind and stood up for what I knew was right and what I wanted. I also refuse to be steamrolled or spoken about in a way that is untrue and so I deal directly and I'm very honest. I refuse to allow someone to treat me as if I'm less than desirable, less than good enough, esp. in certain aspects. For whatever my insecurities are, I know my value as a person is to be treated with dignity and respect. I know I deserve (as does everyone) a level of common decency and thoughtfulness, particularly when I've done nothing but extend those things to you.
I told some friends the other night that, "I'm a lot of woman and sometimes that's hard to handle for the average guy." We all laughed, but the truth is I expect a lot, but I give a lot too. I don't want what I wouldn't be willing to do or give either. My husband knows this and he knew going in, that I was and am a tough cookie, but I've also got a huge heart and a lot of love to give. He also knows, as do my very close friends, that I can be easily hurt and very sensitive, that I don't sugar coat things, I don't take crap, and I can smell BS from a mile away. I'm also someone who loves deeply and does things with passion. Life is worth living to the fullest, not half way.
Be encouraged ladies - and men - know your worth. Know that you deserve to live a full life and to be desired (in all areas of your life) if someone doesn't want you, then go. You are enough. If you're in any relationship (personal, professional, etc.) where you aren't being valued or you're being taken for granted, speak up! If you're not getting what you want or what you deserve and you've repeatedly asked for it in a way that can be heard and understood - walk away. I realize this is often "easier said than done", however, realize this - in the end it hurts far more to have put so much time and energy into something or someone only to know you won't be missed.
I just read that April is "National Poetry Month" and Writer's Digest is doing a daily prompt (I follow on Twitter and found this out just now!) HOW COOL IS THAT!?! I love this idea.
Today's Prompt from Writer's Digest:
"Write a reminiscing poem. In my mind, this means a poem that remembers something (a moment, a relationship, etc.). The poem could be kind of nostalgic or sharing lessons learned. But for those new to these challenges, you should know that I consider these prompts open to interpretation–so if you have another take, go for it."
So here's my attempt:
Remember how it feels
Every time you have to force yourself to
Make it through the day
Inside turmoil
Never again
I say.
Stop the madness
Cease the
Endless hamster wheel! Get free.
Have a Happy Saturday Everyone! God Bless.
This is a difficult journey - self-love. When you've spent a good majority of your life thinking deep, dark, negative stuff about yourself it's not going to change overnight.