Rainbow

It's been a rough couple of days.  The endless waiting is getting to me. We did another procedure before we left - trying to get pregnant.  I told a lot of people and asked for a lot of prayer, which I'm praying so hard will not be a mistake.  I'm praying so hard that won't mean I'll have to tell a whole bunch of people, no, it didn't work.  I'm praying that no one will ask.  That they will all know, that I just need prayer, and a lot of it and I'll tell them one way or the other, when I'm able.   It's so hard to ask for help and support, but not tell people what's happening. I've learned that I just have to share because not talking about it, isolated me and made me feel worse.  I've learned who I can trust with my feelings and my "stuff" and who I can't.  I've learned who is really in my corner. I've also learned who just can't handle it.  I've come to see who is selfish, who is not as strong as I am, and frankly, who is just not interested.  It's been surprising in some cases, but very hurtful in others.  I always say though: it's a blessing to know the truth, no matter how painful. 

Last week was a distraction, dealing with the death of my paternal grandmother and seeing family members I hadn't seen in several years. It was both emotional and cathartic.  It was something I needed to do.  I wanted to pay my respects to my grandmother (I was her first grandchild) and to show love and support to my father.  Divorce is a hard thing on people, especially when there's children involved. I didn't get to spend the quality time with her that I have with my maternal grandparents.  I didn't get to know her on a deeper level, but I know she loved me and I know that I loved her. I know she was gentle, kind and caring and I believe she would have had a different, more close relationship with me if she could have.  In the end, I know I did the right thing by going and while it was painful and challenging, it was worth it.

After the viewing and funeral we had a little vacation, which was nice.  We visited with my in-laws at their condo in Florida, which is lovely and right on the beach.  I did my best to enjoy the visit and to try and stay in the present moment, to be grateful and count my blessings.  

I've been meditating, journaling, praying, talking with friends and doing my best to release it and relinquish it every time it comes up.  The questions - did it work this time?  Are we pregnant? How long before I can test?  No matter what happens, I keep trying to tell myself, I will not be bitter.  I will not be angry.  I will not be envious.  I refuse to live my life in a space other than joy, contentment and happiness.  Life is too short.  I will continue to acknowledge my feelings, feel them, and move through them.  I will not dwell, I will not sit in sorrow too long.  I won't let my future hopes, destroy my present happiness. 

Somehow, someway, God is going to bring me to a place of true peace.  I continue to see the silver lining and the blessings through this incredible journey.  My hair stylist even said to me today, I think you've really grown in this last year.  I think she's right (Jillian - you are like my second therapist so I think you should know!) and I believe it's due to deep spiritual searching and actually, suffering.  I've had to go deep into myself and see who I am.  To face it head on and deal with it.  To prepare myself for whatever the outcome shall be.  To know myself and to more importantly, strengthen my faith and my knowing, that no matter what, I am OK.  I am healthy, whole and worthy.

When we were in Florida on our last night we saw a rainbow ... it was a reminder that without the rain, there would be no rainbow.