Acceptance

I've been thinking a lot about "what to write." I suppose a lot of people want to know where we are on our fertility journey.  No. We aren't pregnant.  It's been three years, 4 IUI procedures, thousands of dollars, and countless hours of prayers, tears, and questioning.  No one can say, oh it's definitely this, or it's definitely that.  They (doctors) give us well, it could be this or it could be that types of answers.  All we know for certain is - it's not happened yet. It might not.  I've come to a place of peace about it all.  I don't think I fully understood "peace that passes understanding" until now.  I've prayed and prayed and I know others have been praying too and finally, somewhere in my soul, I've accepted that I'm good.  Either way, I'm good.  We don't know what our next steps will be and for now, I'm OK with that.  

If there's one thing this journey has taught me it's acceptance.  That doesn't mean I've abandoned all hope or that the desire has somehow diminished- it means that I accept the uncertainty.  I accept that in this moment, I am not pregnant. I am OK. I am still a whole, healthy, happy and wonderful person - baby or not.  I accept myself as I am.  This is new for me so perhaps that is why it feels so foreign.  Peace in my heart is also new for me. I think I always thought that peace means you walk around happy and carefree all the time laughing and smiling, but the truth is, peace looks and feels different to me. Peace is so much more quiet and calm for me than I ever imagined. Peace is stillness of my mind and heart. It's a sense of deep contentment.  

I've noticed that it's hard for people to comprehend my peace and I'm OK with that too.  I think people want a "happy ending" or to "fix it" and truth is, what a happy ending or fixing it looks like is really our choice, no one else's. What I know for certain is this is our life and our path to walk.  The only people who need to accept our choices and decisions are us. We are the ones who have to choose what works for us. We will decide when to stop interventions based on our finances and more importantly, based on our emotional threshold.  Anyone who has been through this type of struggle knows that there are so many components to consider and deal with and everyone has to know when they're ready to stop and move on.  That looks different for everyone.

I'm grateful my husband and I have remained steadfastly there for one another and that we've grown stronger as a couple through this.  Despite how hard this has all been and I'm certain there will still be times of sadness or longing in the future, one thing for sure is we love one another deeply.  I've never been more grateful for my husband and his love than I have throughout this time.  We have taken turns being "the strong one" and we have proved our commitment to one another over and over.  I praise and thank God for that every day.

There was a meditation recently that talked about accepting your journey and the time in which it takes for things to happen.  Some people call this - trusting the process.  I believe whatever your dream is that there is a process in getting there. There is a timeline and a plan that maybe doesn't look the way you thought it would and even the outcome may not be what you expected. However, I do believe that if your dream/goal/desire is part of your life's plan and journey, you will have it.  

Part of that meditation was also about accepting that others have their own journeys and their own processes.  You must relinquish the want or need to control what others are experiencing or going through.  It doesn't mean we don't wish the best for others, try to help in ways that make sense, or that we don't want others not to hurt or make mistakes, etc.  Accepting that everyone has their own path is accepting that some things are a necessary part of the journey, even and perhaps, especially, the painful things. There is growth in pain if you look and listen carefully and something incredible will come from it, if you let it.