I cried today in the Dollar Tree as we were walking passed the "baby shower" items. The plates were decorated with baby elephants and tigers and other animals. I start my cycle this week. I already know and have the signs and symptoms. We were in public, so I only allowed myself a moment. A moment to wipe the tears and to take a breath. To remind myself that it's not over yet. That I'm O.K. This is grieving. This is grief. Anyone who has lost someone or let something go or has had to say good-bye - knows this. When you think, oh I'm free of that hurt now, oh look at me thriving and doing great! Bam. Out of nowhere. Truly. Out. Of. Nowhere. Or maybe out of somewhere deep...it just popped up. It was something about the blue plates, the pink plates, the green for the in-between not-gonna-find-out-the-gender-like-old-school plates. It was something about my desire to decorate our child's room in an elephant theme. It was something about the dream not yet fulfilled. It made me cry.
We got home and found this package on my door. So. Unexpected. Inside it was the above shirt and note. A good friend of the family sent it to me. A while ago I saw her with this shirt on and said, OH, I love that shirt! I wanted to know where to get it. A few days ago she sent me a message and I thought, strange she was asking about my shirt size and address. I don't know why I didn't put two and two together. I was probably tired. I was probably rushed. When I opened the package, I cried. The thoughtfulness and the kindness of a friend. I don't even know the last time I've seen Michelle and yet, she did this. She didn't know that I had breakfast with my niece and nephew just before that Dollar Tree visit and that I left longing more and more for our own child than I have in a while. She didn't know that I sat wishing we had gone on their trip to Disney with our own kid and that maybe someday we would do that for our child(ren) (my family just went to Disney for the kids first time and were thanking us for taking care of the dogs while they were away, with a breakfast). She didn't know that we talked about age, and my husband's upcoming birthday. Or that I was reminded of my own age this morning by my slowly appearing wrinkles and the grey hair at the crown of my head as I looked in the mirror.
She didn't know any of that.
I cried today because of the sadness. I cried today because the dream is slowly dying. I cried today for the glimmer of hope that still remains. I cried today because of the kindness of our friend. I cried today because my faith is as small as a mustard seed, but God said it can still move a mountain.
Today, the mountain did not move, but God came and sat with me on the mountain and offered me a tissue and a hug, in the form of a t-shirt and a note.
Recently, I began another free meditation series with Deepak Chopra. It's a 21 Day Meditation Series entitled: Energize Your Life: Secrets for a Youthful Spirit. One of my favorite parts about the 21 day series (aside from the fact that it's free!) is that there are journal prompts at the end. The journal prompts are a great way to follow up after meditation. More on that later.
Most recent meditation journal prompt asked: Name two things that bring light and lightness to your life. One of those things for me is art. Art in all forms, but art especially in the form of music, brings incredible dimension to my life. Art fulfills my soul. I also love, love, love good song-writing. As I am a poet, I find lyrics to be just that, poetry set to music. There's nothing more powerful to me than a singer, song-writer who just puts their heart into their songs.
A good song reaches into your quiet, hidden spaces and finds you...it whispers or calls to you, it sometimes shouts to you, but it speaks to you. It says, I see you. I hear you. I've been there too. I resonate. I reverberate. I feel what you feel. I get it. That's a song of depth. That's a soul song.
I've written about Gaga before and how much her music and her life has inspired me https://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/02/lady-gaga-inspiration.html . To me, she seems like an authentic person who is truly trying to find her way through her art. I get that. I saw this video recently in which she talked about her own battle with anxiety and depression. https://www.facebook.com/Upworthy/videos/lady-gaga-gets-real-about-depression/319304378865850/ It's so good - if you can't get to it here - find it. It made me love her even more. Also, just saw, "A Star is Born" and all of those love songs are SO heart-felt. My favorites were definitely, "Is That Alright" and "I'll Never Love Again" and "Always Remember Us This Way" because honestly they remind me so much of my love for my husband. (I'm unapologetically in love with him - mushy, gushy whatever - think what you want - it's the truth). She sings from her gut and it's powerful. I admire Gaga's creative nature and constant growth and change. Her freedom.
So stay with me on this. Lauren Daigle - who I first heard years ago on Christian radio - and fell in love with her voice. You might be thinking other than the fact that they both sing and have hit records, what could these two (and you, Sara?) have in common? I'm getting there.
Not only does Daigle have her own incredible voice - her tone, her range, her actual voice, but her spiritual voice is deep. She has the voice of someone who has been broken - like me - to the core. Someone who didn't believe herself worthy of any love - let alone - God's love. Many of her songs point to feeling alone, feeling on the "outside" of everyone and finding acceptance in God's grace and love. In learning to love herself by seeing herself through God's eyes. Her latest CD (thank you family for this birthday gift!) "Look Up Child" is incredible. Her song, "Still Rolling Stones" has this to offer: 'I thought that I was too far gone, For everything I've done wrong, Yeah I'm the one who dug this grave, but you called my name.' That just fell upon me and brought me to tears.
So here it is - the comparison - the links. These two women are thought-provokers, artists, singers. Both of them speak to our humanity - how people can be beautiful and flawed all at the same time. In fact, its more beautiful than perfection. Both of them are rebels in their own right. Neither are afraid to to speak or create or to put themselves out there. Not to mention they both have awe-inspiring talent, but messages too.
The message: You are loved. You are perfect in your imperfections.
Which brings me to ... me. I'm no singer (that's for certain) and I've never written a song. I'm also not a rebel. At least not in the traditional sense of the word. What I am though is a poet, an artist, a writer and a woman of depth. I value individuality, going against the grain, and people who are free to be themselves. What I did do though? I beat the odds and all those statistics for girls like me. Girls who grew up the way I did with the life-experiences I've had and the demons I've battled. I might not be a rebel, but I certainly did break barriers of my own.
I promised myself I would have a deep, committed love and I would be victorious and not a victim. I am not who anyone says I am, but me. I am myself, unabashedly. And although, my art hasn't yet "taken off" and I don't have a million followers or views or likes or books sold, etc, I'm still here and grateful for every person who takes the time to read what I write.
I hope this brings light and lightness to your life and that it helps you in some way! Thanks for reading and taking part in my own artistry. Be inspired.
