It’s my 42nd birthday. It came upon me rather suddenly and I’m still wondering how the time has passed so quickly. I’m not caught up in the age thing - I might joke around with my 20 something coworkers that I’m “old”, but truthfully I don't feel old at all. In some ways I don’t even feel wise or smarter than I was 20 years ago blah blah blah. To be honest - the older I get the less I feel I “know” and the more I want to learn. I’ve been trying to listen more, be more quiet, worry less and dream bigger. I’ve been really trying to refocus my lens to a perspective that looks for the positive and shifting my energy toward what I can do and control. I've been working on letting go of the past trauma and hurt and slowly becoming more of who I truly am.
All of that being said - there’s still an empty room in our home. An empty space in our hearts that we are still longing to fulfill. The baby. There’s not a lot of things I feel as if I “should” have by now, but I truly had believed that I would be a mom by now. It’s hard seeing so many younger than me having their second or third child. It's still a slight pain and sadness in knowing I'm another year older and although my age doesn't show on the outside, biology is still a factor that I absolutely cannot control. It's still hard knowing that despite my prayers for a miracle upon this birthday...it still hasn't happened.
It’s still hard knowing that time isn’t sleeping or slowing down.
No, no my friends, time is marching and racing on and on. Time is continuously moving forward with or without you. I’m still determined to keep hope alive - at least one more year - and still believe that somehow, someway we will have our own child. God-willing.
As for today - I am truly grateful for all that I do have. A wonderful husband who I love living life with, our family, friends and home. I’m thankful for my able body and mind. I’m thankful for the career and life I have built for myself - no matter the challenging beginning and obstacles. I'm thankful for all the lives I've been able to intercede in and improve for the better. I'm thankful for every precious child that has been in my care and I pray that I've given them love and knowledge in a way they will always remember and carry with them.
I’m thankful for my faith and for God's love - above all. I'm thankful that I am loved beyond measure. I believe all things are working for our good and life is beautiful at each stage, however, changing.
Happy Birthday to me, strong, smart, sweet, spicy and so very real. Here’s to another year to grow, change and get better 💕 Here’s to another year of learning to love myself.
