Dandelions

"When you look at a field of dandelions, you can see a hundred weeds or a hundred wishes." Anonymous 

When you read my blog, you get the good, the bad and the ugly.  It's the real deal - my writing is probably the truest form of myself that I choose to share with people.  In the past I've been hesitant and thought an awful lot (probably too much) about how will people take that or what will people think if I write that, etc.  In the last few posts I've been really open and honest about our struggles with trying to conceive a child.  For three long years, I stayed silent about it because I just didn't know what to think or how to deal with it and honestly, I feared what people would think.  I still have a tinge of - whoa - you're giving WAY too much info about your personal life here and PUBLICLY PUBLISHING it for the world to see.  I mean, I'm not an international star (yet), but 700 views and counting means that most likely....at least a hand full of folks have read my blog and shared it with others and in all of that are people I see face-to-face or know me or of me, which is kinda a weird feeling. 

So this week we found out that yet again, we aren't pregnant.  It was more devastating this time for some reason because we were all in.  We prayed more, we did more intervention, we had others praying more, we were so incredibly hopeful and ready.  We were so sure this was the time and that if we just believed hard enough...this was it.  And yet, it wasn't.  I didn't collapse completely or give in completely to the sadness, but it was close. Very. close.

I'll tell you what saved me.  God.  God not in the way that I heard my name spoken or I saw a vision or anything (but God, I welcome that when you're ready to give me some more insight and clarity :), but in the way of my people.  By my people, I mean my friends and family.  The way people showed up for me and continue to show up for me, every single day, continuously blows my mind.  It makes me tear up...it reminds me of just how LOVED I am.  

My friends and family have reached out to me, prayed with me, for me and sent me all their love and support in so many ways.  From my sister and niece and nephew bringing me a doughnut on the day I couldn't get out of bed because my grief was tangible, to my friends coming to my home and smiling, laughing and hugging me. The text messages and phone calls from friends and family.  My husband just hugging me and holding me and being very real with me about his own feelings and struggles.  What has also been incredible and a true gift to me are the responses to my blog posts and the heartfelt messages of people's own stories. My cup runneth over with pure gratitude and deep appreciation for the way God shows me how important I am to the people in my life and how important they are to me.  Don't give up - that's the message I keep getting - no matter what - don't give in or give up.  Dreams are still attainable and miracles are still possible.  

I encourage you - no matter what it is you're struggling with - look for the silver lining - look for the rainbow, look at the field and see the wishes, not the weeds.  Know that there is a purpose and a plan and you just have to keep climbing and hoping and dreaming...you will get there, but you've got to keep going.  Blessings and love to all of you who read this.  

Links to infertility posts: 
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/06/release.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/06/no-experience-is-wasted-oprah-winfrey.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/07/rainbow.html

Rainbow

It's been a rough couple of days.  The endless waiting is getting to me. We did another procedure before we left - trying to get pregnant.  I told a lot of people and asked for a lot of prayer, which I'm praying so hard will not be a mistake.  I'm praying so hard that won't mean I'll have to tell a whole bunch of people, no, it didn't work.  I'm praying that no one will ask.  That they will all know, that I just need prayer, and a lot of it and I'll tell them one way or the other, when I'm able.   It's so hard to ask for help and support, but not tell people what's happening. I've learned that I just have to share because not talking about it, isolated me and made me feel worse.  I've learned who I can trust with my feelings and my "stuff" and who I can't.  I've learned who is really in my corner. I've also learned who just can't handle it.  I've come to see who is selfish, who is not as strong as I am, and frankly, who is just not interested.  It's been surprising in some cases, but very hurtful in others.  I always say though: it's a blessing to know the truth, no matter how painful. 

Last week was a distraction, dealing with the death of my paternal grandmother and seeing family members I hadn't seen in several years. It was both emotional and cathartic.  It was something I needed to do.  I wanted to pay my respects to my grandmother (I was her first grandchild) and to show love and support to my father.  Divorce is a hard thing on people, especially when there's children involved. I didn't get to spend the quality time with her that I have with my maternal grandparents.  I didn't get to know her on a deeper level, but I know she loved me and I know that I loved her. I know she was gentle, kind and caring and I believe she would have had a different, more close relationship with me if she could have.  In the end, I know I did the right thing by going and while it was painful and challenging, it was worth it.

After the viewing and funeral we had a little vacation, which was nice.  We visited with my in-laws at their condo in Florida, which is lovely and right on the beach.  I did my best to enjoy the visit and to try and stay in the present moment, to be grateful and count my blessings.  

I've been meditating, journaling, praying, talking with friends and doing my best to release it and relinquish it every time it comes up.  The questions - did it work this time?  Are we pregnant? How long before I can test?  No matter what happens, I keep trying to tell myself, I will not be bitter.  I will not be angry.  I will not be envious.  I refuse to live my life in a space other than joy, contentment and happiness.  Life is too short.  I will continue to acknowledge my feelings, feel them, and move through them.  I will not dwell, I will not sit in sorrow too long.  I won't let my future hopes, destroy my present happiness. 

Somehow, someway, God is going to bring me to a place of true peace.  I continue to see the silver lining and the blessings through this incredible journey.  My hair stylist even said to me today, I think you've really grown in this last year.  I think she's right (Jillian - you are like my second therapist so I think you should know!) and I believe it's due to deep spiritual searching and actually, suffering.  I've had to go deep into myself and see who I am.  To face it head on and deal with it.  To prepare myself for whatever the outcome shall be.  To know myself and to more importantly, strengthen my faith and my knowing, that no matter what, I am OK.  I am healthy, whole and worthy.

When we were in Florida on our last night we saw a rainbow ... it was a reminder that without the rain, there would be no rainbow.