Would you rather be right or be happy?

Would you rather be right or be happy?  The truth is, I think majority of people think they want to be happy.  In reality though, most people spend their time needing and trying to be right.  Or some of you are saying, both.  I want to be both right and happy.  Or perhaps, you're saying, I'm happiest when I'm right. 

What has being "right" really gotten you?  Being right is about competition.  Being right is about showing others just how much you know and in some ways, it's also about being superior.  I've told you before how I cannot stand a know-it-all personality-type - no one can.  It breeds resentment and makes people feel bad.  No one likes to be "told."  No one enjoys feeling like they have been put down or corrected.  Don't think I sit here blameless as I type - I've definitely done my fair share of I know better than you, you should do this, you need to do that...etc. etc.  I'm aware of my own stuff and it's really unflattering - truly.

If they think they're right - you're not going to change them.  I've rarely seen two passionate people who truly believe they're right about ANY topic or issue come away from an argument or discussion saying, wow, I'm so glad you brought this to my attention, I never thought of it that way and I have now changed my mind and believe you to be right.  I'm not saying it can't happen or that it hasn't happened, I'm just saying that's not been my experience.  Typically, they walk away thinking, how can this person not see how wrong they are or how right I am?  How can they not see that they are on the wrong side of things?

Most arguments boil down to experiences.  This is the way I perceive it or experience it.  This is they way it is *to me*.  That doesn't mean that's what the other person sees or experiences.  If we are truly practicing compassion, we may try to see how the other could think, feel or believe the way they do and what experiences may have led them to those conclusions.  

In a relationship, if you've got to be right all the time, you're going to be unhappy.  Period.  You can be right all you want, but if you keep that up, what you will be eventually is, alone.  Learn that you aren't always right and that in fact, many times, no one is really "right" or "wrong" most of the time, it's just the perspective is different.  Feelings and emotions are not correct or incorrect, they just are.  Practice viewing things from you partner's standpoint and with compassion and love.  Practice patience and understanding.  It's about partnership, not competition.  Let go of the need or want to be right and sit with the difficulty of loving.  Yep, sometimes, real love feels difficult because it stretches you beyond your comfort level, but it's about growth.  Being happy sometimes means growth and almost always means acceptance.  Let some things go.

What is one thing you can do today to show that you don't need to be right?   What is one thing you can do today to increase your true happiness? 

Be Present

I'm a firm believer that if something keeps popping up - pay attention - it's a message to YOU!  Lately, what I'm reading and listening to and even conversations I'm having are telling me - be present.  Live in the present moment because that is truly all we have.  I picked up the Carlson book today and what's the first thing I read: "Learn to Live in the Present Moment".  Had a conversation with someone this morning and she was telling me about grounding, a new skill she's learning how to practice. Grounding is the practice of being HERE and NOW and not going down the path of  what if this or that or getting wrapped up in anxiety, fear, etc.  I get it.  I'm listening.  

I love a plan.  I love being organized and ordering my day and I love to feel like I know exactly how the day is going to go.  If I don't have a plan sometimes I can feel a little lost and sometimes that makes me feel nervous and uncertain, which leads to a little bit of panic, but I've realized that this is not helping me anymore and I want it to change.  I'm starting to shift my focus to understand that it's OK to not know and it's OK to take things as they come.  It's OK to be a planner too, but for me, I think it's time to let some of that go and simply be in the moment.

In this moment, I'm writing and looking at my cat and drinking my coffee and thinking, wow, this feels good.  I didn't know exactly what the day would be and I had a moment where I almost went to a fearful place in my thoughts. Instead of going there in my head, I put my feet on the ground, I said out loud, "God order my steps today.  Everything is OK. Here and now, everything is OK."  And it is.  

One of my personal goals this year, is of course, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and also learning to let go.  Surrendering to what is and not worrying so much about what will be or what was.  Realizing that I can make all the plans I want, but that won't necessarily prevent the hurts, pains and disappointments of this life.  Having a plan does not mean having control.  Many things in my life have not gone at all how I planned.  I NEVER planned on meeting my husband and I certainly had never planned on getting married again.  Yet, I love him more than any man I've ever known.  We have a truly happy union in which we challenge each other, grow with each other and cherish each other in a way I never knew possible.  That's a gift beyond measure.  

Dr. Carlson writes:  "To combat fear, the best strategy is to learn to bring your attention back to the present.  Mark Twain said, 'I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.'  I don't think I can say it any better.  Practice keeping your attention on the here and now.  Your efforts will pay great dividends."  

Dear Dr. King

Dear Dr. King -

Today we celebrate your birthday.  You would have been 89 years old today.  I wish you were still here and I wonder how America would be today if you were.  I didn't know you, I wasn't even born when you died, but I've read about you and taught my students about you for years.  I've studied your autobiography and read your letters.  I've marveled at your work and your open mind and your sacrifice.  I've wondered so many times when I'm teaching my students if there is a little Martin in my class...I hope so.  I pray all the time Dr. King, that one of my students would be a great leader and that in some small way, maybe I can contribute to true equality for people in this country. 

I'm a white woman who teaches all Af. Am. and Hispanic children.  I'm aware of what people think and all the misconceptions. I've been called "white" this and that and treated differently because I'm white and even worked in settings where I've been the only one.  I've been asked more than once if I was "light-skinned" by my students and even once by a parent.  I've been called, Mom, Grandma, Auntie ... so many more times than I can even count, by students, which I take as a compliment and I love it because we are that close and they feel that comfortable and don't even see me as someone different.  I've dated all "races."  My sister is married to an African American man and has two beautiful bi-racial children whom I love more than life itself.  I have a few very close friends who are African-American.  Yet, I still don't "get it".  I will never pretend to understand or act as if I know what it's like - years of oppression, years of discrimination, years of racism and the hatred endures, even today.  I won't pretend I understand what it's like to be anything other than white in America.

Today there is still segregation in schools.  There is still discrimination in housing, hiring, admissions, and in the marketplace.  It's illegal, but it still happens.  There are still innocent men and women being incarcerated because of the color of their skin.  There are still people who believe they're superior and that it's unnatural, etc. to mix "races" and act accordingly.  In short, there is so much, Dr. King, that hasn't changed.

However, today, my sister and brother-in-law married with no problems and their marriage is fully legal and recognized by every single state in the union.  Our neighbors are African American.  My niece and nephew attend a school where although it's predominantly white, they are accepted and loved equally by their teachers and friends.  I hug my students every day and we drink from the same fountain and sometimes even share the same food.  Today you can sit anywhere you want on the bus.  We even elected the first African American president and he served two terms. 

We've made progress, Dr. King.  We've come a long way, but the dream has not yet been realized.  The dream of true equality and the dream of being judged solely by the content of one's character rather than the color of one's skin, it's not yet true.  I wish it were.  All I can do is keep going, Dr. King, all I can do is continue loving and believing in the good of us all.

We miss you, Dr. King.  Truly.

Sincerely -
A friend

Compassion

Yesterday, I woke up cranky. I wanted my husband home, the house cleaned, the driveway shoveled, the cats to stop annoying me...to be financially independent so I never have to think about work...why didn't I win the lotto (I didn't play)....and the snowball effect began...the spiraling of thoughts.  STOP!  I told myself.  I meditated - TWICE - because I could (another snow day).  I prayed.  God answered.  Love it when that happens.  God told me to put into practice what I've been learning and don't fall back into old habits.  Be grateful.   I started naming out loud all the things I'm grateful for.  I picked up the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" book and I read.  I'm at "chapter" 5 now. 

Develop your Compassion.  That's the title.  I cried a little when reading it because it really hit home for me. Sometimes I can be an incredibly compassionate person (esp. at work with my kids), but sometimes I can be the direct opposite.  Sometimes I can judge the heck out of folks and situations and of course, out of myself.  I did it to myself yesterday morning- or at least I started to - the judgment.  Why are you feeling this way?  You should be grateful, you should feel this or that.  You should be practicing what you're preaching.  Should, should, should, should.  Instead I stopped.  I said, What can I do about how I'm feeling?  Do I want to keep feeling this way today or do I want to get out of it?  I decided I wanted to get out of it.  So I did.  

Of course, be compassionate with yourself first.  Then as the book is talking about extend that to others.  That's what I'm learning now - I must feel things for myself (confidence, trust, compassion, etc.) first and then extend out.  Carlson points out that compassion is something we develop with practice.  Put ourselves in the other person's shoes, feel love for them and then do something.  First the intention to love and care, next the action to do something about it.  "It's not so important what you do, just that you do something."  So a simple smile, hug, hello or some other way of helping and showing you care.  Compassion is about understanding we are all going through something and I learned this a long time ago (from a sermon) if you put your problems and the other person's problems on the table and were asked to trade, you'd probably take yours back.  

"Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously.  When you take time, often, to reflect on the miracle of life - the miracle that you are even able to read this book - the gift of sight, of love, and all the rest, it can help to remind you that many of the things that you think of as "big stuff" are really just "small stuff" that you are turning into big stuff."

That's my biggest goal this year - stop turning the small stuff into big stuff and it has already begun!  

2018 I'm ready!

This is one of my favorite photos of myself and I cannot wait to get back to Hawaii!

Happy New Year everyone!  It's time for reflection.  This is my 80th blog post.  In one year of writing this blog I've learned a lot and I've actually grown quite a bit too!  This little blog has come a long way also - I'm up to 450 views!  That's exciting and something to celebrate.  I'm ready for more!

I was doing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen and thinking about the blog...Learning to Love Myself - This Year's Journey.  Do I love myself now?  I asked myself that question.  The answer is - yes!  A resounding yes!  Not that I didn't before, but I feel I've reached a new level and I do think that this blog has been a big part of reaching this new level. Something that happened recently made me put into practice a lot of what I've been reading and writing about.  

As Oprah would say, I had an "Aha" moment.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me - it matters what I think of me.  It matters what I pay attention to and what I choose to focus on.  I have control over how I choose to react in any situation.  I realize this isn't "ground breaking" news for anyone or that this is no new concept, but I actually practiced it and I ended up "getting over" something SO much quicker and I felt FREE.  I wasn't chained to feeling bad or obsessive thinking and analyzing.   I was able to ask myself, Is this true?  Is there anything I could or want to change about this?  What actions can I take?  How do I move forward?  and I did just that.  I moved forward.  I DID IT and I felt free!  Free of the drama, the negativity, the strife...I was free to be happy. 

I had a good talk with a wise friend (Fajir Amin) recently (I'm so blessed to have wise friends!) She said, "I no longer have problems, I have a process."  Amen.  I realized too that this is a beautiful summative statement of what I've been reading and researching all year.  It's a life philosophy.  It's a way of reframing the entire world and how things happen.  It's about taking control in a real way that makes sense and actually works. 

I remember reading about this in the Robbin's book also - the language of things matters - how you describe something, how you define it, etc.  There was a man Robbins described in his book that said he was "annoyed" or "peeved" about a certain situation, in which the other people experiencing the same thing were "enraged" or "furious".  It made all the difference.  Chapter 9 of the Robbins book is entirely about vocabulary.  Words matter.  It's something I've known all my life as a writer, as a teacher, as a person in any relationship - words matter because they have power whether we want them to or not.  So choose your words carefully, especially when speaking to yourself!

I also discovered this fantastic TED talk this morning - on New Years Day - and in it Tasha Eurich discusses this very thing I've been journeying through all year: Self-Awareness and how so many of us get it wrong.  She talks about how we must change our questioning to What questions, rather than Why questions.  This is amazing to me!  I've often felt that the Why questions lead us to feel stuck because in majority of cases in life - we may never know why!  I'm so excited to learn this and practice this further.  I didn't know this is what I was doing in the  most recent situation that I had, but it is.  I asked myself questions and although the questions weren't exactly, "What" questions they were introspective questions and when I stopped asking myself the "Why" questions - I experienced freedom and happiness so much quicker!  

I'm going to continue the blog and it will be evolving and ever-changing as does life.  I've not given up on the Tony Robbins book (Awaken the Giant Within) because it's really proven to be a great resource and I've learned and applied several principles from it and seen results. Although, I have 250 pages more to read!!  I've also started reading, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Dr. Richard Carlson and "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh.  None of this is "easy reading" and I don't expect to finish anything quickly, but I do intend to soak it all up!

Watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGdsOXZpyWE&feature=youtu.be