Thanksgiving

This year, we bought our first home, we are happily married and I'm coming into my own.  I'm grateful to God for where I am and it's hard to express how far I've come with God's love and faithfulness, but I'm going to give you an abbreviated version of my story (so far) so that if you are someone who needs it (and I think we all need it) you might receive love, light and peace in any dark place you might have.  It's a story of hope.

Six years ago,  I was lying on an empty bedroom floor, crying and asking God why and wishing that everything was over - even my own life.  I kept telling God,  haven't I suffered enough?  Why do this to me?  I kept saying, is it ever going to get better?  I believed I was a failure.  I'd failed at my marriage, failed at my job, failed at life.  I was husbandless, homeless, jobless and pretty darn close to hopeless.  As I lay there, I looked up and with no more tears left, I whispered, God, I beg you, help me.

I stood up, brushed off the dust and packed my suitcase and left with zero clue how I was going to make it. 

I didn't grow up with good role models for relationships and I went to years of therapy to try and "fix myself" and I thought when I entered my first marriage that I had dealt with all my "issues and baggage", however I had barely scratched the surface. Needless to say, despite my best intentions, counseling, and a lot of just trying to suck-it-up and survive it - the first marriage ended in a quick divorce. We barely knew each other when we married and when it ended the parts of each other that we did know, we didn't like.  Disappointed and frankly, disgusted with myself for how things turned out, I thought, well that was it, I had wanted to be the first in my family to stay together and I ruined that, so I was done with the idea of having a lasting marriage.  I was done with the idea that I could really rise above all the wrong ways I learned about what being a partner was.

I was teaching when I got married. My ex-husband had encouraged me to leave the school I was at and when I did I couldn't find another full-time teaching job. I was subbing and barely making enough, which added strain to the already rocky relationship.  When the marriage ended I didn't have a job or health insurance.  The house was in his name, he stayed living there and I left with nothing.  I had basically, my clothes and a few items from the house and very little else.  To this day - I look back and see how God provided - I had good friends who let me live at their houses, rent free for a couple months each, here and there, while I tried to save up money.  Eventually, I started working as a temp, which is where I met my current husband, Chip.

I was starting to get back on my feet - I had decided that teaching had to go on hold for a while and my license had expired so I went back to an "office job" and ended up as an executive assistant at my now husband's office. I got an apartment and furnished it on my own and stopped living at friends houses, which was exciting! When I met him the divorce was just final - I had NO intentions of getting into a relationship, let alone married again.  I had zero expectations of the date even - and it ended up being the date that would change my life.  We ended the night with a kiss and a dream of a future and to this day, I still feel so blessed beyond measure for his presence in my life, the way he loves me and the way we work through our tough times, the way we are true partners and friends - I never would have believed that *I* could have that kind of life. 

Life isn't that easy though and the story doesn't stop there (of course) - I got fired from that job - and ended up having to move out of the apartment I had finally got - and although I had found my dream man - I still had a lot of work to do (as did he) to get to the "dream" marriage.  We had a lot of major hits happen in the beginning of our relationship - moving, job loss, death in the family, financial stuff, etc. etc.  Thankfully, and by God's grace, my sister let me move in with her.  I worked three jobs, took two classes at night to get my teaching license back and Chip and I continued to work on us and get better and better.   Finally, I moved out of my sister's house and Chip and I moved in together. 

Slowly and steadily, we started building our life together.  I started teaching again full-time in 2013 and saving money for our wedding and our future. Despite what anyone or anything tried to throw in the way of our moving forward, we persisted.  Our wedding in 2015 was beautiful and elegant and filled with love.  In October of this year, 2017, we bought our first home and it's bigger and more beautiful than I had thought it would be! We moved in on my birthday. I'm lying on a furnished bedroom floor looking up at the ceiling praising God with tears in my eyes, whispering, Thank you, thank you, thank you.   

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Do you have a hard time saying NO? I think women in particular are trained from a very young age to be "sugar and spice and everything nice" and being nice doesn't include saying no.  It means being accommodating and helpful.  It means putting your own needs to the side and making sure everyone is pleased and happy.  However, where do we fit in that equation?

“Just Say No” was an anti-drug campaign back in the 1980’s. People-pleasing is just like a drug in that it will also rob you of your power and leave you feeling empty. It’s time to stop. 

People are over-worked, stressed, unhappy and pushing themselves to the max every day. We over-schedule, over-do and with all the great technology, we rarely 'unplug'.  I’ve been strongly considering implementing a no phone, no internet or social media and maybe even no TV - one day a week. I think my body and mind will thank me.  It will take discipline.  Not just disciplining myself, but others around me.

I’ve been practicing mindfulness for years now, but only in the last few years have I felt that it actually has taken hold in my life.  Part of being mindful is truly paying attention to my thoughts, feelings, actions and speech.  It’s paying attention to my body.  It’s not just paying attention, but also listening and then following through.  So when my body says - I’m stressed or that’s too much for me right now - I’ve learned when to push and when to pause.  That means - I say no.  That means true self-care and self-control.  

If someone asks me to do something and I know I can’t do it and I know it is too much - wait for it - I say no.  And not only do I say no, but I’m working on not apologizing and not giving a long explanation as to why I can’t and avoid the guilt trap.  Be prepared when you start to say no, people will get mad, annoyed, give you a guilt trip or flat out say, well why not?  As if you owe anyone an explanation.  Your time is your own and it doesn’t require explanation.  It doesn’t mean you’re a selfish jerk (no matter what anyone says).

I’ve been thinking a lot about Oprah’s saying - live your best life.  My best life is not overdone, it’s peaceful, simple as it can be and full of love and genuine time spent doing what is beneficial to me and those I love.  

If you’re a people-pleaser (which many women are) this may be a very radical concept.  This may feel impossible and you may worry so much about the fall-out and making others feel bad or think this or that about you, that you will just say yes to avoid all that discomfort. However, guess what?  They will get over it.  If they are a person who loves you and truly respects you - they will move on.  No one is going to die because you didn’t go to the birthday party, bake the cupcakes, or agree to stay late for the 509th time.  

Just try it.  Say no. Period. Don’t explain or go on and on about how you normally would and if only you weren’t doing ...just say no.  I promise you it will get easier and it will give you a sense of freedom and control that you may have never felt before.