Dear Lord, I thank You that You have made Yourself available to me. By simply drawing close to You, You will draw close to me. I come close to You now and ask that You would give me a deep sense of Your presence. Sometimes I feel that my life is too much for me to handle. At those times I need to be close to You more than ever. I need to hear Your voice speaking to my heart that everything will be okay. Help me to see my life from Your perspective. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8
I've had a sort of "crisis of faith" lately...thinking, God, where are you? Why are you answering all these other people's prayers and not mine? God, what about me? God, are you even there? Like a petulant child, desperate for attention, for my 'prize' and for my own desires to be fulfilled. I'm not gonna lie, I've been pretty pissed at times too. Resentful and angry and bitter. I've been sitting here pouting like my students do when they don't get their way or when I don't call on them or when they neeeeeed to tell me something (like 'so and so looked at me wrong') and I can't get to them swiftly enough.
I've come a long way on my life's journey in some aspects and in others, well, I'm still growing. I was watching Michelle Obama on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday yesterday and she said, she's still becoming. That blew my mind. She's an accomplished person - amazingly accomplished - and she's risen above SO much and here she is saying, I'm still becoming. In other words, her growth is still happening. That's so powerful. That just hit me like - whoa - if *she* is still growing and becoming more of who she is - then yeah, it's OK for me!
That brings me back to my point - my daily prayer brought me to tears because I needed that. I needed a reminder. How do I draw near to you? Gratitude. Come to me with thanks, I heard. I began naming out loud all of my blessings and saying, I am grateful for (fill in the blank). My husband. I am grateful for my husband. How many years did I pray for him? Long before I knew him, long before I ever went through that first marriage, long before I went through the divorce, long before I went back to therapy to get myself back together again....and here he is. My prayer was God, please give me a husband that won't give up on me and who will put in the work, no matter what. A husband who will be strong enough to stand up for me, and strong enough to tell me to chill out, strong enough to cry and to love and to be my man through and through. A husband who won't leave and who is faithful. A husband who provides. A husband who will erase the hurt and insecurity of all the years of abuse and suffering. A husband who when he looks at me - it's not a question how much he loves me - ever. He is here.
Looking back over my prayer journals - I wanted to teach. I wanted to be making this salary and have benefits (I'm getting more specific now :) and to have a home of my own. I wanted a few good friends that would stand by me and laugh with me and pray for me and support me and that I could do the same for. I wanted a small group of people whom I could love and who would love me. I had prayed for the things I have now and so I don't want to take any of that for granted. Although my prayers have been very different the last four years...I remember. I remember a time that I had longed for all that I have now. I remember God. You are faithful and while I may not get all the things I "want" - I have all the things I need. You are still here and You still love me.
God, help me to remember when I'm losing sleep, changing explosive diapers, and having very little time to myself...when I'm lugging a diaper bag instead of a pretty, designer purse and when my pants won't fit right or when I'm covered in some sort of baby 'stuff" - help me remember how I prayed and how I longed for him/her.
Help me remember when I'm inundated with contracts and demands from editors, publishers, etc. When I'm writing, writing, writing and collecting all those checks and having to organize all the demands upon my time. Help me remember when this was all I wanted.
You are always with me and maybe, just maybe, that's enough.
P.S. Thank you God for reminding me that the blessings of others are a sign that you are here and working and not that I'm not getting what I want and life isn't about comparison. Bless them, be happy for them and move forward with your own vision and your own knowing and your own becoming.
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