Fake

I've not had much time to write, as year 11 has now begun.  Hard to believe I've been in this game this long.  I'm proud of all that I've accomplished as an educator and all that I still have to accomplish.  I'll never stop learning - in any area of life - because I honestly believe the day you stop learning is the day you die.  I can always be a better wife, a better sister, daughter, friend, educator, writer, etc. etc.  I can always improve, but yet love myself right where I am, all at the same time.  Bottom line: I'm not, nor will I ever be, perfect.  What I love best about myself and what I think others treasure about me (or at least that's what they tell me) is that I'm very honest, authentic and real.  You know what I think, what I feel and how I behave all match up.  Not saying that's always a good thing, but it's the real thing.  I tell it like it is and I keep it very real.  Some people do not like that.  They'd rather have pleasantries and surface relationships because if they're around someone real it forces them to look closer at themselves and they may not like what they see.  I take an inventory of where I am fairly regularly.  

Where I am now is I truly do not have time for fake, false or phony people or situations.  If it's not authentic or serving a higher good, I'm not for it. Recently there's been a few people who are not in my life anymore and I'm good with that.  People who cannot handle a bad day, a negative feeling, a real emotion, a person who says exactly how they feel and deals directly with others (not talking about aggressive, talking about having an honest, straightforward conversation).  I'm not here for that.  Life is too short.  I'm not here for people who aren't here for me and I'm definitely not here for anyone who doesn't see the value in who I am as a person.  I'm not begging for people's time or attention.  I'm a grown person who has better things to do with my time than worry about who likes me or doesn't or who wants to talk crap.  I'd rather have three real friends than thirty bullshit ones. 

The other thing is - my life is very real - even on social media - if I post happy pics it's because I am legitimately happy.  If I post sad or negative posts, well, that's where I am or if I don't post at all, I'm either too pissed to put it out there or too busy to care.  If I post a pic of my hubs, it's not because I'm trying to fake everyone out to think we're really happy together when at home we're falling apart...we are genuinely happy.  I don't post things for the benefit of others really - I post them typically, out of an overflow of where I am and to just shout it out!  Even my fertility or infertility blogs or posts are from a real, deep place inside of me.  I try hard to lift others up and usually the bi-product of that is I get lifted as well.  You can rest assured though that I'm not over here worrying about if you're jealous, not jealous, think I've made it or that I have a great life or not.  That's between me and God.  Period.

I've been slowly reading the book, Tuesday's with Morrie, if you don't know the book - look it up - it's pretty awesome.  It really puts life into perspective.   No one is promised tomorrow and I personally don't want to go out without every single person whom I am close to knowing they're important and precious to me.  I love hard and it's real.  I'm loyal and kind - if you cross me - well believe it or not - I'll wish you well and let you go, but don't expect a  second invitation to my table.  Forgiveness isn't about allowing people back into your life, it's about wishing them well and releasing negativity or harm. There are very few seats at this table and I only allow REAL people to sit with me and share the time.  The coveted time we have here on earth is just too fleeting to be anything else but true, honest, fun and life-giving.

Peace.

Acceptance

I've been thinking a lot about "what to write." I suppose a lot of people want to know where we are on our fertility journey.  No. We aren't pregnant.  It's been three years, 4 IUI procedures, thousands of dollars, and countless hours of prayers, tears, and questioning.  No one can say, oh it's definitely this, or it's definitely that.  They (doctors) give us well, it could be this or it could be that types of answers.  All we know for certain is - it's not happened yet. It might not.  I've come to a place of peace about it all.  I don't think I fully understood "peace that passes understanding" until now.  I've prayed and prayed and I know others have been praying too and finally, somewhere in my soul, I've accepted that I'm good.  Either way, I'm good.  We don't know what our next steps will be and for now, I'm OK with that.  

If there's one thing this journey has taught me it's acceptance.  That doesn't mean I've abandoned all hope or that the desire has somehow diminished- it means that I accept the uncertainty.  I accept that in this moment, I am not pregnant. I am OK. I am still a whole, healthy, happy and wonderful person - baby or not.  I accept myself as I am.  This is new for me so perhaps that is why it feels so foreign.  Peace in my heart is also new for me. I think I always thought that peace means you walk around happy and carefree all the time laughing and smiling, but the truth is, peace looks and feels different to me. Peace is so much more quiet and calm for me than I ever imagined. Peace is stillness of my mind and heart. It's a sense of deep contentment.  

I've noticed that it's hard for people to comprehend my peace and I'm OK with that too.  I think people want a "happy ending" or to "fix it" and truth is, what a happy ending or fixing it looks like is really our choice, no one else's. What I know for certain is this is our life and our path to walk.  The only people who need to accept our choices and decisions are us. We are the ones who have to choose what works for us. We will decide when to stop interventions based on our finances and more importantly, based on our emotional threshold.  Anyone who has been through this type of struggle knows that there are so many components to consider and deal with and everyone has to know when they're ready to stop and move on.  That looks different for everyone.

I'm grateful my husband and I have remained steadfastly there for one another and that we've grown stronger as a couple through this.  Despite how hard this has all been and I'm certain there will still be times of sadness or longing in the future, one thing for sure is we love one another deeply.  I've never been more grateful for my husband and his love than I have throughout this time.  We have taken turns being "the strong one" and we have proved our commitment to one another over and over.  I praise and thank God for that every day.

There was a meditation recently that talked about accepting your journey and the time in which it takes for things to happen.  Some people call this - trusting the process.  I believe whatever your dream is that there is a process in getting there. There is a timeline and a plan that maybe doesn't look the way you thought it would and even the outcome may not be what you expected. However, I do believe that if your dream/goal/desire is part of your life's plan and journey, you will have it.  

Part of that meditation was also about accepting that others have their own journeys and their own processes.  You must relinquish the want or need to control what others are experiencing or going through.  It doesn't mean we don't wish the best for others, try to help in ways that make sense, or that we don't want others not to hurt or make mistakes, etc.  Accepting that everyone has their own path is accepting that some things are a necessary part of the journey, even and perhaps, especially, the painful things. There is growth in pain if you look and listen carefully and something incredible will come from it, if you let it.  

Acupuncture and Healing - Part 2

Back in February of 2017 I decided to get regular acupuncture treatment.  It has proven to be incredible for my health - both physically and mentally! Some of the benefits I felt from regular treatment:

1) Reduction in migraines.
2) Reduced stress.
3) Better digestion.
4) Better sleep.
5) Reduced anxiety.
6) Increased energy.
7) Mood uplifted.

Number 7 was huge for me.  I honestly feel and people can believe it or not, but I honestly feel it helped me to get control over depression and anxiety and maybe, just maybe "cure" the depression.  Yes, I have had an official diagnosis of depression, have been diagnosed and "re-diagnosed" throughout my entire life starting at about age 17.  I've seen countless therapists and even once or twice tried medications.  My last and final (and by far BEST) therapist suggested when I saw her back in January 2017 that I go to acupuncture.  She had gone herself and found incredible physical benefits and she thought that perhaps it could help me mentally.  She was right.  

At the beginning of this year, when we started back with the fertility doctor and went round and round with the insurance company, my mental state was pretty bad and kept getting worse every time we'd hit a road block.  I was feeling depressed again and more anxious than ever. I had a migraine at the end of May that was horrible and lasted two days - even with medication and another in June.  I thought I was cured of migraines because I had not had one since I started treatment in Feb. 2017. I had another one in July after my grandmother passed.  I took those migraines as a warning: I was getting overwhelmed again and needed more self-care.  I decided that it was time to go back for another round of treatments.  This time - it's once a week for 8 weeks.  I started when we got back from Florida in the end of July and I've been feeling awesome.  I think the effect is even greater now because I've been doing a lot of self-care and my spirit is lighter.

I recommend acupuncture for literally EVERYTHING (if acupuncture did infomercials they'd hire me - because I'm SO into it!)  Try it!  I'd suggest going on referral of a friend or someone you know who has had success with the practitioner.  I'd also suggest looking into reviews and meeting with them before you let any needles enter your body.  Just as you'd choose a good doctor, you don't want to trust just anyone with your health.  Hope you've found this helpful - if so - please feel free to comment or share!  


Here are my other blog posts about acupuncture:
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/acupuncture-and-healing.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/never-give-up.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/02/a-road-to-healing.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/02/progress-is-progress.html

Taking the Next Step in My Writing Journey

I'm super excited because I signed up for a workshop on freelance writing:  The Nuts and Bolts of Freelance Writing.  It's next Saturday and I'm really ready!  I'm ready to learn new things and to hear from someone doing what I want to do and get all the knowledge I can about my new venture!  The best thing about this is I said to my husband just last week:  I really want to take a class, not an online class, but a real live class with face-to-face interaction.  So today I was on Linked In and posting my last blog post (I try to post to all the media I have - Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest) and BAM - there it was - a freelance writer's workshop at the Visual Arts Center and it was only $35.00!  I signed up ASAP.  

I've been trying to do at least one thing every single day to move my writing career along and this is my next step.  I consider it a sign that I'm on the right track. I'm more open to my creativity and I'm more in tune and aware of opportunities.  I'm actively participating in making my dream come true!

I had a little voice in my head saying...just think if you'd started earlier, when you were younger, etc. I told that voice to shut up.  Not even politely either.  I didn't say, please be quiet or could you lower your voice...nope...told it boldly and loudly to SHUT UP!  I've been realizing that 1) You cannot change the past and 2) This is my path and perhaps I wasn't ready previously, maybe there were things I needed to go through or experience to get prepared for this road.  I'm not going to question - I'm going with the flow and I'm ecstatic to take the next step, and the next, and the next.  Onward and upward!!  


Check out the Visual Arts Center: https://www.visarts.org/ 

Essential Oils - Elevation

A few years ago, I was introduced to Doterra Essential Oils, by an acquaintance.  She was describing how the oils helped with mental health issues and I was really struggling with depression and anxiety and I didn't (still don't) want to go on any medications.  Please know this is not any judgment against anyone who takes anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, everyone has to do what works for them and what they feel is for their highest and best good.  Period.  At the time, I have to say, I didn't feel like the oils "worked" so I kinda just put the oils and diffusers aside and kinda "forgot" about them (and went back to therapy).  Recently, my sister got into the oils, and dragged me to one of the info sessions about them and now she's into it and so of course, I'm back into now, too (despite my husband's eye rolls at all my "hippy stuff").  

Elevation is my current favorite essential oil blend.  I was remarking to my sister that I've been feeling "a lot happier" lately.  Now, there are some circumstantial things too - been away from work, been back to acupuncture, been reading/writing a lot more, doing a new meditation/prayer/journal reflection every day for the past two and a half weeks....AND I've been wearing this oil!  I've been mixing three-four drops with my lotion and applying to my whole body when I get out of the shower and then maybe one or two drops for my feet. I've found applying the oils works best for me.  I know you're supposed to diffuse - and I do that occasionally (some folks ingest it, but I'm not there), but for me, applying to my skin in the morning and throughout the day has really helped the best. 

There are SO many oils for SO many things and I've been trying out different ones.  For now, this is my current fave and I wanted to share it with you, maybe essential oils might work to enhance whatever you're working on in your journey!  No, I don't sell it and yes, it's a multi-level marketing thing, but I don't care so much about that, I just care that it's helping me on my journey to be a more healthy person inside and out! 

https://www.doterra.com/US/en/p/elevation-oil

Love Yourself Where You Are

This was me last month - wind in my hair - no make up -riding with the top down - HAPPY!

I'm writing today for me and for anyone else who reads it - who needs a pick-me-up and a reminder that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!  You don't need to lose 15 lbs to love your body.  You don't need a brand new home, car, or any other material possession to call yourself successful.  You don't need the next best job or career or *ahem* publishing deal to know that you have talent and skills that are unique to you.  You don't need a spouse/significant other to be loved. Love yourself where you are.  Yes, work towards goals and health and wealth and whatever else you desire - don't give up on any of that - but know this one thing - YOU ARE WORTHY just the way you are.  Right now, take a deep breathe and you know what, just say it out loud - it might make you feel better.  It's worth a shot.

I had an inspiring thought this morning as I was writing after meditation. I was writing down my limiting beliefs - the negativity just flowed out of me.  I was not surprised because I've had a lot of negative self-talk in life and I've played the low light reel of my life many a time in my head.  BUT I stopped mid-way and I began actively and vehemently crossing it off the page.  I started scribbling them out.  I said - NO - out loud - not going there.  I refuse.  I turned the page.  I began writing all the positive things I know and believe to be true.  I began writing, I am worthy, I am good, I am going to have all the desires of my heart, my life is good, etc. etc.  It was awesome!  It was FREEING.

I realized that every time over the past couple of weeks when I started to feel really low and down - it was because I was comparing myself to other people.  I was looking at my friends or even strangers who are at least ten years younger than me and thinking that I'm so old and I don't have what they have.  I'm too old to have a writing career - I should have started younger.  I'm too old to have a baby - I should have started younger.  I'm too this or that or whatever.  NOPE!  Not today and not ever again. I'm DONE with that.  I'm the age that I am and I'm at the place where I am due to choices and circumstances and I now know that I have everything I need inside of me and I just have to keep on tapping into that.  Keep on tapping into the part of me that survived and lead her to the place of thriving.  I've been on this journey to freedom a while - no doubt - but I'm ready now more than EVER to be happy.  

Stop comparing yourself to other people.  They have their life and you have yours.  Remember that social media is just their highlight reel...who knows what's real or fake and who cares!  Focus on you, gratitude and your own hope, dreams, aspirations, etc. and remember YOU ARE AWESOME just as you are.  Blessings and peace that passes all understanding to anyone who reads this!