All I want for Christmas...

...is something I truly cannot have.  I want my mom to have her husband alive and well. I want my friends who have lost their parents and siblings to have them back. I want families and friends to be healthy, peaceful, and happy. I want all of my kids (my students) to have whole, in-tact, families and stable lives. I want so many things that simply cannot be bought or sold.  Peace on earth.  Clean running water for people who need it desperately all around the world.  The list could go on and on.  

Christmas is a holiday that makes a lot of people sad.  Thanksgiving doesn't tend to be that way.  It's because of pressure, the expectation, the Christmas cards with pristine white hills and a little fireplace glow...the kids with hot cocoa and the parents smiling affectionately.  It's the idea that peace and love are everywhere and that all we have to do is "believe", etc.  Maybe that's true, but there's something about Christmas that can really make people feel down.  

1) Family.  The idea of family is a BIG stressor for so many people.  Family dysfunction and toxic family dynamics - the pressure to "get along" and to "bite your tongue" and just "get through" the family gatherings.  Many people don't even like their own family members (after all you didn't get to choose them - like your friends or your spouse) and loathe the thought of being around them, yet, they take what is supposed to be a special time of year and make it dreadful by spending time with people they don't like because they feel like, well, Christmas is about family.

2) Loss.  This is a big one.  Many people are missing someone or many people, at this time of year.  Maybe they had a family member they actually did cherish and love and that person is now gone.  They long for them at this time of year because there is a pressure - people are all rushing off to be with their loved ones at this time (sometimes people actually do love their family and enjoy their time with them)  and they have an empty seat at the table.  They wish they could talk to that person one more time, to laugh with them, to look at their face and feel their hand - to just be physically in their presence, just one more time.  Also, the loss of relationships - either through estrangement, divorce, break-up, etc.  People miss people at this time of year sometimes even more than other times.  Even if there has been weeks, months, years since the loss has happened, something about Christmas can make the loss feel fresh and deeply painful all over again, as if it was the first time that you're feeling it.

3) Expectations.  You might be the person who wants the perfect decorations, Christmas cards, or gifts to give or receive.  You might be the person who wants the best party or to be invited to all the parties, etc.  Or maybe you need the food to be elaborate and delicious, the table to be set just so, and all the right people to be in attendance.  Instead, you burned the bread, the Jones' had somewhere else to be that night, and the cat climbed up the tree, knocked it down and broke a bunch of ornaments.  You wanted that perfect gift for your husband/wife and you ended up with a gas station gift card (if that's your favorite or what you asked for, don't get mad at me, please).  Life doesn't go as planned.  In fact, majority of things (even some of the BEST things) in life can't be planned.  We don't have control.

That's just it - we don't have control over anything, except ourselves. Control is an illusion.  The idea that we can manipulate and control anything and everything.  That somehow we are in "charge."  I'm not at all suggesting we should just float around and wait and see what happens...I'm not saying that all of life is just happening to you or around you and you're just a feather in the wind...but I am saying (and mainly to myself here) to lighten up.  Not in a flippant way or a dismissive way, but to let go of the baggage.  Put down the burdens. To relinquish expectations, to let go of the sadness, the losses...to look for hope and the good things.  To shift the focus, take deep breaths, to be present and allow any glimmer of love and peace in.  Let it in.  You'll feel better.

Friends.

These are a few pictures of my friends. My real friends. My husband is one of my best friends, as is my sister - they are also my closest friends (they aren't pictured here and neither is one of my good friends because she didn't want her pic. posted - and like a true friend - I honored that). Everyone wants to be liked and accepted - it's part of being human.  Some people need it or want it more than others and by more or less number of people, etc. however, everyone wants to "get along" and feel like people understand them or at the very least, like them.  I've always been a person who values real, deep friendships.  I have a few very close friends whom I've known majority of my adult life - 17 plus years in some cases!  They are real friends - friends I call in the good and bad times, friends who I feel "know" me and friends whom I "do life" with.    

Anyone who knows me well (or not even that well) knows that I have a strong personality.  I have opinions, I'm not afraid to share them and I'm very honest with anyone who asks me for it (and sometimes even folks who don't), however, I love deeply and I'm loyal once I've decided you are my friend.  I will defend you to any outside person, I will be there for you at 2 am and in every moment of true need, and I will most certainly be your champion at every turn.  I'm genuinely happy for my friends when they do well. I will always want what's best for you and if you need advice or help on anything - I'm there. I also love to have fun and engage deeply in life with you. That's the truth.  I can also be jealous and critical and stubborn.  I can be too sensitive and sometimes I get offended, but I believe if we're true friends, we can talk it out and come to an understanding.  

In the last five years, I've been branching out and connecting with more people (particularly through work, since I've been there a while now) and it's been an interesting experiment. It has been a painful process at times. I've been hurt by people, I've misunderstood people and vice versa, and I've thought friendships were deeper than they were. I've had people not be honest with me or themselves. I've come across people who minimize my feelings by "one-upping" problems.  I've had to find out through social media that I wasn't invited, etc. All of this can breed insecurity, make you feel like, wow, what did I do or make you look at someone differently and think, this isn't a person I want to be close with.  

I've had a tough time taking down the "walls" that I've built to protect myself.  I've been encouraged to be my authentic self with everyone, and what people do with that is their choice. I do believe it's O.K. to be mindful about what you share and who you share it with, but not to the point where you're constantly guarded and distrustful.  I've found that my gut will tell me clearly whether or not the person can be trusted. I've also learned in this process that not everyone is going to be your real friend AND THAT'S OK and in fact, a necessary part of life.  You truly cannot connect on a deeper level with majority of people and again, that's a good and healthy thing.

Time will tell whether the relationship is worth putting in the time or not. Life is too short to waste time on or put energy into empty relationships.  There are ups and downs to every relationship and the lasting ones you will be able to work through your down and hopefully, communicate effectively. Even when you're hurt or there are misunderstandings - the goal is to get better and do better in your relationship and usually conflict is the best teacher.  The lasting friendships will be the friendships that you can share your real feelings, your real self, and will stand the test of time.

There will be times when you'll have to release people (see blog: http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/time-to-let-them-go.html)

I've also made a couple of good friends in the last couple of years too.  Women who I can be real with and who can be real with me.  Women who are willing to put themselves out there and to share their lives.  Women whom are slowly becoming people who I admire and trust.  Women who are championing me and my success and vice versa.  That's a beautiful thing.