First, we came back to nothing but crazy, endless news about Charlottesville and I guess because we live in VA and because many of our friends and/or acquaintances went to UVA, we hear about it even more. Although, no doubt, it's drawn major national attention and it's "the" news story of the week, possibly now even, the month. I'm disappointed in people's reactions, in the endless news coverage, in the fact that we simply seem to be deteriorating as a society, that no one knows what is real or fake in the media coverage we see and no one can seem to even listen to each other or think critically about what they read or see. I mean have we gone so far off the rails we can't distinguish fact from fiction? I'm afraid to make any comments on anything because I fear it will be misconstrued or that I'll lose a friend because we disagree. It's come that far. I am not a white supremacist or a racist and of course, I completely condemn anything or anyone associated with that type of thinking or behavior - I think it's safe to say that much. As for all the other stuff - I'm going to remain silent.
Second, and perhaps even more important to me, I'm feeling that "I'm 40 and I'm not where I want to be" thing. I thought I'd be at a certain place "by now." I'm having a tough time accepting where things are and that things will come in time and that this is somehow part of God's plan. I don't get it and I don't like it and that's just the truth of it all. Even as I type this - I think - delete it, delete it, delete it because this is too real and too much for folks and you shouldn't be putting yourself out there THAT much. I know I must accept it and I know I've got to look to turn toward gratitude and adjust my attitude. I know that. I'll get there, but maybe not today.
Third, I've been cut off completely by someone I thought was a friend. Someone I liked and admired and thought there could be a potential strong friendship with. I don't seek out friendships often - in fact it's rare and the recent incident with this person are one of the reasons why. People aren't predictable and they aren't always what they seem. I'm rarely wrong about a person, but every once in a while, I am. The thing that bugs me most about it is that it was a complete misunderstanding and within minutes of the "text conversation" which I suppose was part of the problem - she thought I was being rude and I didn't think I was and then literally she was angry and offended and I was totally taken aback - she blocked me and unfriended me. And just like that, poof, done. I was and am still kind of stunned. It was a matter of minutes and that "friendship" was over. I guess that says something about the friendship - it wasn't really that strong or real to begin with - if you can cut someone off that quickly, that easily - they didn't mean that much to you. I guess it's always good to know where you stand.
Disappointment comes from unmet expectations. The minute a person is capable of letting go of expectations and taking things as they come, they are in a far better state of mind. I am also coming back to the "don't take it personal" thing (Four Agreements) and I realize - that's exactly what I need to do - keep moving toward the goals, yet stay present and LET IT GO. There's something good in almost every seemingly "bad" situation and even if you have to get out your microscope - you can probably find it. In the meantime, I'm just going to ride the wave and go back to Hawaii in my mind.
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