The title says it all. The disturbing and brutal nature of the dreaded task of swimsuit shopping (cue music from the movie Psycho). You go in thinking, "I'll try to make this fun." Some of us may even bring along a girlfriend or a trusted family member that you know will be honest with you, but at the same time not run screaming from the dressing room in horror and/or uncontrollable laughter. However, try as you might, it just isn't fun. In fact, it's just torturous.
First, let me say, I have ZERO clue who is wearing half of these suits ... these itty, bitty, teeny, tiny things...I mean they barely cover ANYTHING. I don't know, but it's NOT me. Even if I did have the body for it, I wouldn't do it. Perhaps I'm too conservative. I used to wear a bikini and feel like, of course I'm wearing a bikini - I wouldn't even consider a one piece! Now I put on a bikini and just laugh or cry! Why do the one pieces and tankinis have to be so boring - the prints look old and the shapes are just blah and there seems to be no support in the tops...just letting the girls go wherever! No thanks.
Second, can't we dim the lights and maybe play some soothing music while we do this awful task? I wasn't at a specialty place or a boutique - I was at Target, Walmart and Kohls (budget friendly) so maybe that was part of the problem - maybe the lighting is better at the swim shop or the sales people are there to comfort you or give you a pep talk, maybe even a glass of wine or a shot of tequila. I just refuse to pay 80-150 bucks on a piece of clothing I wear a dozen of times throughout the year.
Third, I tried so hard not to do the whole negative self-talk thing. I had to stop myself several times from saying out loud, You are so fat. Look at this and look at that and if you hadn't gained so much weight this wouldn't be such a horrible experience. I don't know if it's worse having been thin and being mostly comfortable with my body majority of my adult life or to have been heavier your whole life and not "remember when." I think honestly, it's hard either way. And I bet that even thin or in shape girls judge their bodies and feel bad about this part or that part or wish they had those boobs or that butt or those legs or whatever. I can remember when I was thin, I used to want bigger breasts and less muscular legs...now I want a flat stomach and thin thighs, zero back fat and muscular arms like I used to have and I would be fine with having my 20 something chest. Sigh.
After trying on 20 different suits and sending several pictures to my sister and my husband for their opinions - I finally decided on a suit. It's a tankini and I'm sad. It looks cute, the design is cute, it was the one that made me look the slimmest, but I'm sad because I want to be back to my old weight and in my old body. I don't want to go back to that time (http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/07/i-used-to-be-hot.html), but I sure do want to go back to that body. I feel sad because I want to wear a bikini. The guy at the check out asked if I was ok (I guess my downtrodden face and slumped shoulders gave me away) and I said, yeah, just bathing suit shopping. You wouldn't understand. He just smiled and bagged my stuff.
I'm just being honest here - it's a real struggle. I don't think it's unrealistic to have that particular goal weight or muscles or shape or whatever, I know it's possible because I've seen women twice my age who look fantastic and are in far better shape than I am currently. Yet, I wonder what is really holding me back? That's something I'll need to explore further.
I know one thing, I'm proud of myself today because 1) I stopped the negative self-talk and didn't go there and stay there for the entire rest of the day - no matter how tempting 2) I didn't leave the store and go eat a box of donuts and McDonald's. 3) I promised myself that this time next year - I will have a banging body and I will wear whatever bikini I want and I'll do what it takes to get there. That's what loving yourself really is and I'm glad I'm getting there.
P.S. I was going to post the umpteen pictures I took while I shopping today and thought, NO, my luck this would be the one post that goes crazy viral and gets thousands or millions of hits! Ha ha ha ha ha!
For laughs: http://www.worldlifestyle.com/beauty-style/12-thoughts-every-woman-has-when-bikini-shopping
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