I used to be hot.

Ten Years Ago in Maui 

It dawned on me recently that ten years ago I went to Maui.  Ten years ago - this was my body!  I used to be hot.  A full-circle moment is about to happen.  We have been blessed with an opportunity to go to Kauai. 
I was younger, obviously THINNER, with abs and muscles and all that good stuff.  I was looking at the pics I have from that trip and was thinking wow, so much has changed, not just my body, but my soul. My inner self has grown exponentially, thank God.  I still have things to work on and I still have some of the same old fears and insecurities, but they don't rule me as much as they used to and the progress I've made is incredible. 

Back then I was in a marriage that I didn't have any business being in - in hind sight - I made that choice out of complete fear and without clarity (and rather hastily).  I married someone thinking that would "complete" me, save me and because I was desperately afraid of becoming a spinster cat lady (now I've embraced my cat lady-ness - even though I am married, ha ha ha!). I will be the first to admit I made a lot of really bad choices in that marriage.  I was a truly broken person on so many levels and I didn't know until I got into that marriage that I had so much more work to do.  

I doubt my ex-husband reads my blog, but if he does he knows that I've changed and evolved. Although I don't regret having married him or the fact that it ended - I do regret some of the things that happened that led to the end of that marriage.  We either grow and change and look back at mistakes we've made with sadness or we just continue to make them.  I'm happy to say that I have changed for the better.

In this full-circle moment - I'm so glad to say, although I'm not as physically fit as I used to be and maybe I don't feel as "hot" as I used to, but I am emotionally and spiritually healthier and far more beautiful.  I can say with absolute certainty that I am in a FAR better place now and in a marriage that is healthy and I'm so much more whole than I ever was back then.  

What have I learned?  
1) What's in your heart and your mind, matter so much more than what you look like.   
2) Forgiveness - esp. of yourself - is incredibly important to being emotionally healthy and for growth. 
3) DO NOT make decisions based on fear.  Fear is not from love.

*PS This picture has inspired me to get more disciplined to lose weight and be "hot" again - more on that later :)
 *PPS  I was very hesitant to post this picture for fear that people will say, oh she used to be hot, she blew up, etc., but I think it's important to be real and to know that I am still lovable and wonderful no matter what my body looks like!