Would you rather be right or be happy?

Would you rather be right or be happy?  The truth is, I think majority of people think they want to be happy.  In reality though, most people spend their time needing and trying to be right.  Or some of you are saying, both.  I want to be both right and happy.  Or perhaps, you're saying, I'm happiest when I'm right. 

What has being "right" really gotten you?  Being right is about competition.  Being right is about showing others just how much you know and in some ways, it's also about being superior.  I've told you before how I cannot stand a know-it-all personality-type - no one can.  It breeds resentment and makes people feel bad.  No one likes to be "told."  No one enjoys feeling like they have been put down or corrected.  Don't think I sit here blameless as I type - I've definitely done my fair share of I know better than you, you should do this, you need to do that...etc. etc.  I'm aware of my own stuff and it's really unflattering - truly.

If they think they're right - you're not going to change them.  I've rarely seen two passionate people who truly believe they're right about ANY topic or issue come away from an argument or discussion saying, wow, I'm so glad you brought this to my attention, I never thought of it that way and I have now changed my mind and believe you to be right.  I'm not saying it can't happen or that it hasn't happened, I'm just saying that's not been my experience.  Typically, they walk away thinking, how can this person not see how wrong they are or how right I am?  How can they not see that they are on the wrong side of things?

Most arguments boil down to experiences.  This is the way I perceive it or experience it.  This is they way it is *to me*.  That doesn't mean that's what the other person sees or experiences.  If we are truly practicing compassion, we may try to see how the other could think, feel or believe the way they do and what experiences may have led them to those conclusions.  

In a relationship, if you've got to be right all the time, you're going to be unhappy.  Period.  You can be right all you want, but if you keep that up, what you will be eventually is, alone.  Learn that you aren't always right and that in fact, many times, no one is really "right" or "wrong" most of the time, it's just the perspective is different.  Feelings and emotions are not correct or incorrect, they just are.  Practice viewing things from you partner's standpoint and with compassion and love.  Practice patience and understanding.  It's about partnership, not competition.  Let go of the need or want to be right and sit with the difficulty of loving.  Yep, sometimes, real love feels difficult because it stretches you beyond your comfort level, but it's about growth.  Being happy sometimes means growth and almost always means acceptance.  Let some things go.

What is one thing you can do today to show that you don't need to be right?   What is one thing you can do today to increase your true happiness? 

Be Present

I'm a firm believer that if something keeps popping up - pay attention - it's a message to YOU!  Lately, what I'm reading and listening to and even conversations I'm having are telling me - be present.  Live in the present moment because that is truly all we have.  I picked up the Carlson book today and what's the first thing I read: "Learn to Live in the Present Moment".  Had a conversation with someone this morning and she was telling me about grounding, a new skill she's learning how to practice. Grounding is the practice of being HERE and NOW and not going down the path of  what if this or that or getting wrapped up in anxiety, fear, etc.  I get it.  I'm listening.  

I love a plan.  I love being organized and ordering my day and I love to feel like I know exactly how the day is going to go.  If I don't have a plan sometimes I can feel a little lost and sometimes that makes me feel nervous and uncertain, which leads to a little bit of panic, but I've realized that this is not helping me anymore and I want it to change.  I'm starting to shift my focus to understand that it's OK to not know and it's OK to take things as they come.  It's OK to be a planner too, but for me, I think it's time to let some of that go and simply be in the moment.

In this moment, I'm writing and looking at my cat and drinking my coffee and thinking, wow, this feels good.  I didn't know exactly what the day would be and I had a moment where I almost went to a fearful place in my thoughts. Instead of going there in my head, I put my feet on the ground, I said out loud, "God order my steps today.  Everything is OK. Here and now, everything is OK."  And it is.  

One of my personal goals this year, is of course, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and also learning to let go.  Surrendering to what is and not worrying so much about what will be or what was.  Realizing that I can make all the plans I want, but that won't necessarily prevent the hurts, pains and disappointments of this life.  Having a plan does not mean having control.  Many things in my life have not gone at all how I planned.  I NEVER planned on meeting my husband and I certainly had never planned on getting married again.  Yet, I love him more than any man I've ever known.  We have a truly happy union in which we challenge each other, grow with each other and cherish each other in a way I never knew possible.  That's a gift beyond measure.  

Dr. Carlson writes:  "To combat fear, the best strategy is to learn to bring your attention back to the present.  Mark Twain said, 'I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.'  I don't think I can say it any better.  Practice keeping your attention on the here and now.  Your efforts will pay great dividends."  

Dear Dr. King

Dear Dr. King -

Today we celebrate your birthday.  You would have been 89 years old today.  I wish you were still here and I wonder how America would be today if you were.  I didn't know you, I wasn't even born when you died, but I've read about you and taught my students about you for years.  I've studied your autobiography and read your letters.  I've marveled at your work and your open mind and your sacrifice.  I've wondered so many times when I'm teaching my students if there is a little Martin in my class...I hope so.  I pray all the time Dr. King, that one of my students would be a great leader and that in some small way, maybe I can contribute to true equality for people in this country. 

I'm a white woman who teaches all Af. Am. and Hispanic children.  I'm aware of what people think and all the misconceptions. I've been called "white" this and that and treated differently because I'm white and even worked in settings where I've been the only one.  I've been asked more than once if I was "light-skinned" by my students and even once by a parent.  I've been called, Mom, Grandma, Auntie ... so many more times than I can even count, by students, which I take as a compliment and I love it because we are that close and they feel that comfortable and don't even see me as someone different.  I've dated all "races."  My sister is married to an African American man and has two beautiful bi-racial children whom I love more than life itself.  I have a few very close friends who are African-American.  Yet, I still don't "get it".  I will never pretend to understand or act as if I know what it's like - years of oppression, years of discrimination, years of racism and the hatred endures, even today.  I won't pretend I understand what it's like to be anything other than white in America.

Today there is still segregation in schools.  There is still discrimination in housing, hiring, admissions, and in the marketplace.  It's illegal, but it still happens.  There are still innocent men and women being incarcerated because of the color of their skin.  There are still people who believe they're superior and that it's unnatural, etc. to mix "races" and act accordingly.  In short, there is so much, Dr. King, that hasn't changed.

However, today, my sister and brother-in-law married with no problems and their marriage is fully legal and recognized by every single state in the union.  Our neighbors are African American.  My niece and nephew attend a school where although it's predominantly white, they are accepted and loved equally by their teachers and friends.  I hug my students every day and we drink from the same fountain and sometimes even share the same food.  Today you can sit anywhere you want on the bus.  We even elected the first African American president and he served two terms. 

We've made progress, Dr. King.  We've come a long way, but the dream has not yet been realized.  The dream of true equality and the dream of being judged solely by the content of one's character rather than the color of one's skin, it's not yet true.  I wish it were.  All I can do is keep going, Dr. King, all I can do is continue loving and believing in the good of us all.

We miss you, Dr. King.  Truly.

Sincerely -
A friend

Compassion

Yesterday, I woke up cranky. I wanted my husband home, the house cleaned, the driveway shoveled, the cats to stop annoying me...to be financially independent so I never have to think about work...why didn't I win the lotto (I didn't play)....and the snowball effect began...the spiraling of thoughts.  STOP!  I told myself.  I meditated - TWICE - because I could (another snow day).  I prayed.  God answered.  Love it when that happens.  God told me to put into practice what I've been learning and don't fall back into old habits.  Be grateful.   I started naming out loud all the things I'm grateful for.  I picked up the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" book and I read.  I'm at "chapter" 5 now. 

Develop your Compassion.  That's the title.  I cried a little when reading it because it really hit home for me. Sometimes I can be an incredibly compassionate person (esp. at work with my kids), but sometimes I can be the direct opposite.  Sometimes I can judge the heck out of folks and situations and of course, out of myself.  I did it to myself yesterday morning- or at least I started to - the judgment.  Why are you feeling this way?  You should be grateful, you should feel this or that.  You should be practicing what you're preaching.  Should, should, should, should.  Instead I stopped.  I said, What can I do about how I'm feeling?  Do I want to keep feeling this way today or do I want to get out of it?  I decided I wanted to get out of it.  So I did.  

Of course, be compassionate with yourself first.  Then as the book is talking about extend that to others.  That's what I'm learning now - I must feel things for myself (confidence, trust, compassion, etc.) first and then extend out.  Carlson points out that compassion is something we develop with practice.  Put ourselves in the other person's shoes, feel love for them and then do something.  First the intention to love and care, next the action to do something about it.  "It's not so important what you do, just that you do something."  So a simple smile, hug, hello or some other way of helping and showing you care.  Compassion is about understanding we are all going through something and I learned this a long time ago (from a sermon) if you put your problems and the other person's problems on the table and were asked to trade, you'd probably take yours back.  

"Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously.  When you take time, often, to reflect on the miracle of life - the miracle that you are even able to read this book - the gift of sight, of love, and all the rest, it can help to remind you that many of the things that you think of as "big stuff" are really just "small stuff" that you are turning into big stuff."

That's my biggest goal this year - stop turning the small stuff into big stuff and it has already begun!  

2018 I'm ready!

This is one of my favorite photos of myself and I cannot wait to get back to Hawaii!

Happy New Year everyone!  It's time for reflection.  This is my 80th blog post.  In one year of writing this blog I've learned a lot and I've actually grown quite a bit too!  This little blog has come a long way also - I'm up to 450 views!  That's exciting and something to celebrate.  I'm ready for more!

I was doing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen and thinking about the blog...Learning to Love Myself - This Year's Journey.  Do I love myself now?  I asked myself that question.  The answer is - yes!  A resounding yes!  Not that I didn't before, but I feel I've reached a new level and I do think that this blog has been a big part of reaching this new level. Something that happened recently made me put into practice a lot of what I've been reading and writing about.  

As Oprah would say, I had an "Aha" moment.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me - it matters what I think of me.  It matters what I pay attention to and what I choose to focus on.  I have control over how I choose to react in any situation.  I realize this isn't "ground breaking" news for anyone or that this is no new concept, but I actually practiced it and I ended up "getting over" something SO much quicker and I felt FREE.  I wasn't chained to feeling bad or obsessive thinking and analyzing.   I was able to ask myself, Is this true?  Is there anything I could or want to change about this?  What actions can I take?  How do I move forward?  and I did just that.  I moved forward.  I DID IT and I felt free!  Free of the drama, the negativity, the strife...I was free to be happy. 

I had a good talk with a wise friend (Fajir Amin) recently (I'm so blessed to have wise friends!) She said, "I no longer have problems, I have a process."  Amen.  I realized too that this is a beautiful summative statement of what I've been reading and researching all year.  It's a life philosophy.  It's a way of reframing the entire world and how things happen.  It's about taking control in a real way that makes sense and actually works. 

I remember reading about this in the Robbin's book also - the language of things matters - how you describe something, how you define it, etc.  There was a man Robbins described in his book that said he was "annoyed" or "peeved" about a certain situation, in which the other people experiencing the same thing were "enraged" or "furious".  It made all the difference.  Chapter 9 of the Robbins book is entirely about vocabulary.  Words matter.  It's something I've known all my life as a writer, as a teacher, as a person in any relationship - words matter because they have power whether we want them to or not.  So choose your words carefully, especially when speaking to yourself!

I also discovered this fantastic TED talk this morning - on New Years Day - and in it Tasha Eurich discusses this very thing I've been journeying through all year: Self-Awareness and how so many of us get it wrong.  She talks about how we must change our questioning to What questions, rather than Why questions.  This is amazing to me!  I've often felt that the Why questions lead us to feel stuck because in majority of cases in life - we may never know why!  I'm so excited to learn this and practice this further.  I didn't know this is what I was doing in the  most recent situation that I had, but it is.  I asked myself questions and although the questions weren't exactly, "What" questions they were introspective questions and when I stopped asking myself the "Why" questions - I experienced freedom and happiness so much quicker!  

I'm going to continue the blog and it will be evolving and ever-changing as does life.  I've not given up on the Tony Robbins book (Awaken the Giant Within) because it's really proven to be a great resource and I've learned and applied several principles from it and seen results. Although, I have 250 pages more to read!!  I've also started reading, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Dr. Richard Carlson and "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh.  None of this is "easy reading" and I don't expect to finish anything quickly, but I do intend to soak it all up!

Watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGdsOXZpyWE&feature=youtu.be

All I want for Christmas...

...is something I truly cannot have.  I want my mom to have her husband alive and well. I want my friends who have lost their parents and siblings to have them back. I want families and friends to be healthy, peaceful, and happy. I want all of my kids (my students) to have whole, in-tact, families and stable lives. I want so many things that simply cannot be bought or sold.  Peace on earth.  Clean running water for people who need it desperately all around the world.  The list could go on and on.  

Christmas is a holiday that makes a lot of people sad.  Thanksgiving doesn't tend to be that way.  It's because of pressure, the expectation, the Christmas cards with pristine white hills and a little fireplace glow...the kids with hot cocoa and the parents smiling affectionately.  It's the idea that peace and love are everywhere and that all we have to do is "believe", etc.  Maybe that's true, but there's something about Christmas that can really make people feel down.  

1) Family.  The idea of family is a BIG stressor for so many people.  Family dysfunction and toxic family dynamics - the pressure to "get along" and to "bite your tongue" and just "get through" the family gatherings.  Many people don't even like their own family members (after all you didn't get to choose them - like your friends or your spouse) and loathe the thought of being around them, yet, they take what is supposed to be a special time of year and make it dreadful by spending time with people they don't like because they feel like, well, Christmas is about family.

2) Loss.  This is a big one.  Many people are missing someone or many people, at this time of year.  Maybe they had a family member they actually did cherish and love and that person is now gone.  They long for them at this time of year because there is a pressure - people are all rushing off to be with their loved ones at this time (sometimes people actually do love their family and enjoy their time with them)  and they have an empty seat at the table.  They wish they could talk to that person one more time, to laugh with them, to look at their face and feel their hand - to just be physically in their presence, just one more time.  Also, the loss of relationships - either through estrangement, divorce, break-up, etc.  People miss people at this time of year sometimes even more than other times.  Even if there has been weeks, months, years since the loss has happened, something about Christmas can make the loss feel fresh and deeply painful all over again, as if it was the first time that you're feeling it.

3) Expectations.  You might be the person who wants the perfect decorations, Christmas cards, or gifts to give or receive.  You might be the person who wants the best party or to be invited to all the parties, etc.  Or maybe you need the food to be elaborate and delicious, the table to be set just so, and all the right people to be in attendance.  Instead, you burned the bread, the Jones' had somewhere else to be that night, and the cat climbed up the tree, knocked it down and broke a bunch of ornaments.  You wanted that perfect gift for your husband/wife and you ended up with a gas station gift card (if that's your favorite or what you asked for, don't get mad at me, please).  Life doesn't go as planned.  In fact, majority of things (even some of the BEST things) in life can't be planned.  We don't have control.

That's just it - we don't have control over anything, except ourselves. Control is an illusion.  The idea that we can manipulate and control anything and everything.  That somehow we are in "charge."  I'm not at all suggesting we should just float around and wait and see what happens...I'm not saying that all of life is just happening to you or around you and you're just a feather in the wind...but I am saying (and mainly to myself here) to lighten up.  Not in a flippant way or a dismissive way, but to let go of the baggage.  Put down the burdens. To relinquish expectations, to let go of the sadness, the losses...to look for hope and the good things.  To shift the focus, take deep breaths, to be present and allow any glimmer of love and peace in.  Let it in.  You'll feel better.

Friends.

These are a few pictures of my friends. My real friends. My husband is one of my best friends, as is my sister - they are also my closest friends (they aren't pictured here and neither is one of my good friends because she didn't want her pic. posted - and like a true friend - I honored that). Everyone wants to be liked and accepted - it's part of being human.  Some people need it or want it more than others and by more or less number of people, etc. however, everyone wants to "get along" and feel like people understand them or at the very least, like them.  I've always been a person who values real, deep friendships.  I have a few very close friends whom I've known majority of my adult life - 17 plus years in some cases!  They are real friends - friends I call in the good and bad times, friends who I feel "know" me and friends whom I "do life" with.    

Anyone who knows me well (or not even that well) knows that I have a strong personality.  I have opinions, I'm not afraid to share them and I'm very honest with anyone who asks me for it (and sometimes even folks who don't), however, I love deeply and I'm loyal once I've decided you are my friend.  I will defend you to any outside person, I will be there for you at 2 am and in every moment of true need, and I will most certainly be your champion at every turn.  I'm genuinely happy for my friends when they do well. I will always want what's best for you and if you need advice or help on anything - I'm there. I also love to have fun and engage deeply in life with you. That's the truth.  I can also be jealous and critical and stubborn.  I can be too sensitive and sometimes I get offended, but I believe if we're true friends, we can talk it out and come to an understanding.  

In the last five years, I've been branching out and connecting with more people (particularly through work, since I've been there a while now) and it's been an interesting experiment. It has been a painful process at times. I've been hurt by people, I've misunderstood people and vice versa, and I've thought friendships were deeper than they were. I've had people not be honest with me or themselves. I've come across people who minimize my feelings by "one-upping" problems.  I've had to find out through social media that I wasn't invited, etc. All of this can breed insecurity, make you feel like, wow, what did I do or make you look at someone differently and think, this isn't a person I want to be close with.  

I've had a tough time taking down the "walls" that I've built to protect myself.  I've been encouraged to be my authentic self with everyone, and what people do with that is their choice. I do believe it's O.K. to be mindful about what you share and who you share it with, but not to the point where you're constantly guarded and distrustful.  I've found that my gut will tell me clearly whether or not the person can be trusted. I've also learned in this process that not everyone is going to be your real friend AND THAT'S OK and in fact, a necessary part of life.  You truly cannot connect on a deeper level with majority of people and again, that's a good and healthy thing.

Time will tell whether the relationship is worth putting in the time or not. Life is too short to waste time on or put energy into empty relationships.  There are ups and downs to every relationship and the lasting ones you will be able to work through your down and hopefully, communicate effectively. Even when you're hurt or there are misunderstandings - the goal is to get better and do better in your relationship and usually conflict is the best teacher.  The lasting friendships will be the friendships that you can share your real feelings, your real self, and will stand the test of time.

There will be times when you'll have to release people (see blog: http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/time-to-let-them-go.html)

I've also made a couple of good friends in the last couple of years too.  Women who I can be real with and who can be real with me.  Women who are willing to put themselves out there and to share their lives.  Women whom are slowly becoming people who I admire and trust.  Women who are championing me and my success and vice versa.  That's a beautiful thing.