Release

No matter how much someone says they understand what you're feeling, they don't unless they truly have experienced it.  Even then, I feel sometimes as if that's just not possible, because they aren't you so they haven't felt it in your body.  I'm going through something right now and I feel the most alone I've ever felt through an experience.  

Even when I was down and out - divorced, jobless, homeless - it did at times seem bleak, but it never felt hopeless. It felt like something I had to go through and eventually I knew I'd be on the other side of it.  I have worked since I was a kid - formally, since 17.  I substitute taught, I worked administrative temp jobs, and I worked at Target as a cashier.  I remember the guy hired me because I answered the question, Why do you want to work here? with "I need the money."  He laughed.  I guess that's not the PC answer, but it was the dead honest truth and after he chuckled he said, "Good, we need people who actually want the hours and want to work.  People come in here and say, oh because I love the store or because I love people, etc.  That's about the most honest answer I've heard all day, so you get the job.  Start tomorrow."  I never doubted that I'd get back on my feet.  I doubted I would ever get married again...but I never doubted I'd find someone to spend time with or that I'd get a new place to live or any of that.  It was sad, it sucked, but it was somehow, I don't know, doable.  It was just a "tough spot" or a "rough patch."  I learned a lot and grew a lot.  The marriage I saw as an utter failure, turned out to be a true blessing because it forced me to be honest about all my sh** I hadn't dealt with and the amount of demons I was still battling that I truly thought I'd conquered.  So, in the end, it was indeed resolved. 

I'm sitting here with my teaching job, my beautiful new house, and my very real and happy marriage.  So, what's the point of this post you're thinking?  Well, I've found myself in a place that I cannot quite bring myself to talk about with really anyone because I feel truly as if no one "gets it" - at least no one in my circle.  Even people in my circle that think they get it because they've experienced some of what I'm feeling, do not actually get it.

We've been "trying" to conceive a child for three years.  We've done all the tests, we've been through a couple of procedures and yet, here we sit.  Childless.  I'm "like a mom" to a lot of people.  In fact, every single day to 19 little people, I'm "like a mom" and to some of them that's no small thing because they do not have their biological mothers in their lives at all.  I do not take that lightly and I thank God for it daily, sometimes even throughout the day I will think, wow, how could your mom have let you go?  I won't ever pretend to understand.  I know there are countless circumstances and situations that are desperate and they aren't anything I could comprehend because I'm sitting over here willing to go through needles, appointments, prescriptions, violations of privacy on many, many levels, and thousands upon thousands of dollars...not to mention the evil dealings of the insurance company, just to prayerfully conceive a baby.

I've been "like a mom" for as long as I can remember - starting with my little sister, then babysitting, then my niece, then my nephew and of course, for over ten years off and on, an elementary school teacher and tutor.  Like a mom still isn't a mom.  I know people think that somehow that's comforting to me or that somehow that is my consolation prize, but it isn't.  

I know people who struggled to conceive and give birth and to even continue on the journey of motherhood and raising kids, teens, young adults.  I know people who have done all the tests, the procedures, the doctors, the agonizing waiting.  I know people who have conceived and lost babies.  I know people who have lost children.  I know people who have been to hell and back with their pregnancies, their kids, etc.  None of it is "easy" and none of it came without a cost.  I am, by no means, equating anything I'm about to say or emote, with any of it.  There is no comparison in pain.

Let me reiterate that: there is simply no comparison in pain.  It's your pain. It's your struggle.  It's yours to deal with.  And this is mine.  I'm having to grapple with and struggle through this reality: I am childless.  I do not know what the future holds, this is true, but I know in this present moment, I am childless in the sense that we do not have our own child.  And there's a pain in coming to terms with the idea that this simply may be my reality.  Period.  I am 41.  My husband is older than that.  People sit with their children or child and tell me - oh yes - I know how you feel, etc.  No.  You have children - you're on the other side of all of it.  You do not have to sit in your car after a workout that was supposed to make you feel good and didn't and reminds you that your body is getting older and that you are trying desperately to release it, release it, release it .... crying with the thought: It may not happen.  Ever.  You have got to be able to accept it.   This is the reality.  To watch your niece and nephew grow and grow and remember that you were going to raise your one with them so that your one wouldn't grow up without a sibling, but at least with cousins.  To know that time cannot be stopped and the clock cannot be turned back.  To wonder, what if I'd done this or that.  To wonder, what did I do that this is my punishment?

I've sat in my therapist's office and had her tell me that it doesn't hurt less to not be hopeful.  I think that's a lie.  I think to be hopeful is to continuously stab yourself in the gut and slowly bleed.  To be hopeful and have your period start again, another month.  To sit and say, why? And to listen to stories of abused kids, and to read your files on your students, and to hear about moms on drugs or just vanished or who knows what happened to them. To say, God, I know I'd be a good mom, I've had a lot of "like a mom" practice...just give me one...just one.  To bargain.  To plead.  To cry.  To wish and hope and wait and think, maybe this month will be my miracle no matter what the doctors say.  No.  No.  No.  To have people say all the insensitive, hurtful, unaware, cruel and ridiculous things they say to you (which is why I never talk about it because I don't want to to hate well-intending people and I've already lost 'friends' over it) and to still be "hopeful" is just - a pain that's sometimes too much to hold.  

I know I must release it.  This is my only chance of being free.  The trouble is, I play games with it...I throw it and then pick it back up.  I throw it and get hit in the face with it or the stomach.  I throw it and run after it.  The letting go feels impossible -  the dream of motherhood that I must grieve - but I'm learning to somehow "let it be."  I've not succeeded, but I'm learning and growing and I guess that's better than nothing at all.  To try and end this on a "positive note"  - I do love my life and I do count my blessings and I do not take one thing for granted - not even this journey.  I am learning one thing for certain - life is short and there is joy even in sorrow and there is beauty even in pain.  Someday I will know the answers and for now, I just pray to move forward.

Toxic

Toxic and dysfunctional environments breed toxic and dysfunctional people.  Even if you're a positive, over-all happy, functioning person - the toxicity will eventually take you over.  At the first sign of this you must leave before it takes it's toll on you both physically and emotionally.  What exactly defines a toxic environment?  There are so many articles written about this, but here's my compiled list from my own personal experience.

1) Lying is normal. No one should have to constantly question what is real or fake around them - they should be able to feel that they are being told the truth at all times and that they can trust those people around them.

2) You feel undervalued and underappreciated on a consistent, regular basis. You aren't complimented, you aren't acknowledged, what you do right isn't talked about, yet what you do wrong is highlighted.  You aren't compensated for your time and efforts - either monetarily (as in a work environment) or returned favors, taking turns with duties, etc.  

3) You aren't heard.  You feel as if you don't have a voice or if you do, you will either be shut down, dismissed, discounted or retaliated against for sharing your feelings or concerns.  While every little thing or every little complaint doesn't need to be made into a huge deal, your feelings and concerns should at least be heard and listened to with respect and understanding.

4) You feel put down.  When people are speaking to you or acting as if you're beneath them or as if you're naive or ignorant - whether you are or aren't - it's rude, demeaning and hurtful.  There's a way to inform people without being condescending or chastising.

5) There's a lack of trust (see number 1 - lying) and inconsistency in how people behave - saying one thing and doing another or telling people one thing to their face, but saying something different behind their back.  There's no loyalty or feeling that someone has your back and would support you, esp. in times of difficulty or strain.

6) You are abused in any way - verbally or physically.

7) You feel helpless or hopeless and long for a way out.  If you're constantly day-dreaming of a way out or actively looking for one ... it's time to go!

If you're experiencing any of this in your work, home, church, organization, etc.  You have the right to speak up and ask for change or you have the right to leave. No one can grow, blossom, be their best self or even strive to be, if they are in an environment like this!  These types of places are not conducive to learning, growing, facing challenges, productivity or positive outcomes!  If you stay too long you will either self-destruct or become destructive - or both.  You will begin to take on these traits and could become a toxic person too!    

Teacher Appreciation

A few of my gifts!

This week is "Teacher Appreciation" week in my school (and many around the state and country).  Teachers everywhere are being given (or not) all kinds of tokens of appreciation from gift cards to flowers to hand-written notes and drawings.  Every day we put in the blood, sweat and tears (sometimes literally) that goes into this job.  This job that is a janitor, a nurse, a psychologist, a social-worker and any number of other jobs, all rolled into one.  OH yeah, and we help them learn and prayerfully, give them skills they can use for a lifetime.  What we do matters, that much I know for sure. Isn't that why everyone has an opinion on what we do?  Or is it because, well, everyone went to school so doesn't that make them an expert?  Or is it because if you're a parent, surely you know what's best for your kid (and therefore, all kids)?  If you're a tax payer, don't you "pay their salaries"?  If you're a legislator or a law-maker - you know what teachers should be doing because you read a book or an article or met someone or something like that...Everyone is an expert at what teachers should and shouldn't be doing...yet so many are reluctant or even dare I say, above, actually DOING what we do.

It's a politically charged profession, especially these days with protests and strikes, people speaking out and saying, finally, enough is a enough!  Pay us a decent wage, don't neglect the students and their facilities, materials, technology needs, etc. etc.  Some have made a little bit of headway and some light has been shone on what we educators face these days - from vacuuming our own rooms to buying supplies and working way beyond those contracted hours.  Don't get me started on the dwindling retirement benefits and health care coverage.  I hope the world of education changes and makes it possible for me and those who love the kids and learning as much as I do, to keep going and keep doing what we educators do, for a long time. 

However, I want to give you a little glimpse of what teaching has been for me and it's all of the above, but it's more.  I've learned to be my best self with "my kids."  I am far more patient, loving, kind, compassionate, good and sweet than ever.  I often say, my kids get to see the best version of me.  They push me to be a good example and role model.  This year, I've truly had one of my best classes, and part of that has to do with me coming more into my own as a person, and imparting the self-love and self-care that I've tried to do personally, to them.  As I've delved further into self-awareness and mindfulness, so have they.  I'm so proud of all the kids I've helped over they years, but this year in particular, I've enjoyed the kids more on a relational level than ever before.  Almost all of them, we just click.  We get each other.  You may think that's crazy because none of them look like me - not one of them - but I see something special, wonderful, and even one small thing I can identify with in each and every one.  I've prayed daily for them and about them.  One child in particular, has shared a similar, deeply scarred and sad story, as mine, but because I know exactly what I wish someone would have said to me way back when and how I wished someone would have advocated for me back then...I thank God every day that He made me this child's teacher and I thank Him every day for healing. 

I don't know that a lot of people could say that about their chosen profession or job.  I don't know many other jobs that each and every day they get hugs, compliments, hilarious stories to tell and be told, facilitate learning and see someone learn something brand new for the first time, to see accomplishments and progress, to see "the light bulb go on", while also tying shoes, handing out tissues, consoling, disciplining, being accidentally called mom, grandma, auntie...it's a unique, exhausting, at times truly crazy and mind-blowing, yet, wonderful experience.  Above all, I appreciate my students and the gifts they are to me.

A sweet letter from a student!

Surrender

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLAoc4HwecU

Many of my loved ones know, I'm slightly obsessed with Oprah.  I've been watching this video of her Master Class repeatedly for a long time now.  Why?  Because I believe that I've discovered my word for this year: surrender.  I think I am in a slow and deliberate process of letting go and surrendering to the will of God and understanding what it really means to do so.  If you listen carefully to Oprah's words, she says, when you first start to sing the song you really can't surrender, but then she sang and prayed and cried repeatedly and she could feel herself say, OK I'm gonna be alright.  And then the most wonderful thing occurred - she wanted to BLESS that person in the role she wanted - she wanted to be able to be OK and she will not be bitter, angry or feel for the rest of her life, that someone else got what she wanted...I want to have that kind of peace.  Oh how that resonates with me. That. kind. of. peace. 

I woke this morning with a sense of peace.  It used to be incredibly rare that I would ever have a feeling of contentment or a feeling that all is well.  Those feelings have increased, those moments of clarity and stillness, those moments when I feel that there is no need to struggle, worry, doubt, fear, or despair.  There is no need to control. I've been meditating, praying, listening to sermons and feeding my spirit as much as I can.  I've been choosing to put energy into the people, activities, places, etc. that make me happy and give me joy.  I've been practicing gratitude and acts of kindness.  It's adding up to a sense of calm that is priceless.

Please be clear - there are so many things I still desire and so many things that are not the way I want them to be.  I have a deep longing that is yet to be fulfilled, but I rest in the knowing that God's timing is impeccable.  That every thing - even the worst things in my life - have all served a greater purpose.  Some of those things have yet to reveal their purpose and others have made themselves so apparent that I have actually bowed down in gratitude for them - some of the most painful, scarring experiences of my life have been used to heal and help others in a way that's beyond me - in a way that says, only God could have weaved that together.  Only God could have brought that thing to serve another.  Only. God.

While this place is new to me - I am celebrating and relishing it.  

May you find that peace that passes understanding.  May you breathe deeply and be able to whisper - it is well with my soul.  May you truly surrender.

People are Surprising

Got this sweet little gift today!

Just a quick follow-up to my post from yesterday! http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/03/people-are-disappointing.html   One, I'm feeling a tad bit better and managed to get to work today - thank God for a 2 hour snow delay!  Two, I found this sweet little gift and a card from a wonderful, good, and kind friend waiting for me in my box.  That made me smile.  It also reminded me that while people can truly be disappointing and will continue to be... people can also be surprising.  Every once in a while, people will surprise me and remind that I am truly loved and cared for. I had a couple of adorable notes from the kids saying they missed me and several walked in and said they were so glad I was back.  I also had one darling girl say, Mrs. Tate, I prayed for you and I prayed to Jesus that you'd be back and here you are!  That made me smile and melt a little on the inside. Even a couple of my teammates took care of my plans, checked in on me while I was at home, and popped in today to say, hey, glad you're o.k.  Of course, not to be forgotten or unappreciated is my family and esp. my husband - who are always there for me! God will remind you - if you're open and listening (even sometimes when you're not) - you are indeed, loved.  I wanted to remind you all too - that no matter how many folks out there disappoint - there are also those who will surprise in the best of ways.  I wanted to take a moment to show my gratitude for the little things and to say, I am truly blessed.  It's the moments of joy, peace, and comfort that keep us going through the moments of frustration, sadness, and disappointment.  Thanks be to God.  Amen.

People are Disappointing

Full disclosure: I've been sick for a week (still am) and I'm over it.  I'm feeling sad and frustrated.  Everything I listen to and everything I read says it's important to name your feelings - not wallow necessarily - but name them and then deal with them.  Fact is, sometimes, you just aren't going to feel positive.  Sometimes you're going to feel like crap - either physically or emotionally or both.  So this is one of those times.  But I want to write about disappointment right now because that is also what I'm feeling. Maybe someone, anyone out there that reads this might comment and give me some words of wisdom.

I have very high standards for myself and expectations of myself.  I work too hard and I think I've been under the false impression for a long time that if you just work hard enough everything will work out and you can make it work.  There goes the control button again.  I stress internally and brood internally over whether I'm doing enough to make things go the way I want them to.  It's a fine line you walk between understanding you have control over things and getting up and doing something about stuff, and then of course, surrendering to the fact that you have little control over most things.

The biggest thing you have zero control over is other people.  I am in a current state of disappointment with a few people because I have had expectations of how I think they should behave.  I think to myself, well, this is how I would behave in this situation or circumstance or this is the "right" thing to do - so these people should do that.  Problem is, not everyone sees things the way I see them.  Not everyone even is aware enough of their own behaviors to know that they might be doing or saying something that others may perceive as offensive or out of line.

Examples - you're not invited to something you think you should be. A "loved one" isn't involved in your life and doesn't make an effort to be.  Someone consistently talks down to you or in a condescending tone and frequently feels the need to tell you what to do - despite the fact that you already know exactly what to do.   You feel certain friends or family members should support your business or personal endeavors in a certain way, but they don't. 

So people are disappointing - does that mean you change your expectations?  Maybe that's the answer. Have no expectations and you won't be disappointed.  Easier said than done I think. Real issue I'm having though is how to let them know how I feel or what I'm thinking about their behavior or if I even should.  I think boundaries are important and I think being open and honest is important, but sometimes I think weighing the importance of it is also good - like is anything really going to change because you said something?   Maybe that shouldn't be the goal?  Maybe the goal should be to just let people know how you feel in the most loving of ways - if the relationship is worth it to you?  I think the trouble is I want to honor and acknowledge my own feelings too and give others an opportunity to at least be aware of my feelings and maybe they'll respond kindly or even by changing,  As I stated in my opening comment - any and all helpful, kind words of wisdom are welcome.

In the meantime - your prayers, thoughts, positive energy for speedy recovery sent my way would surely be welcomed.  Peace be with you on your own journey!

What Others Think Of You...

I've not been writing a lot on the blog lately because there's just been so much happening and my focus has been sort of blurry from looking in so many directions.  We've been working on our new home and my husband has a new role at his job and I've been struggling with next steps in my own career and we've had some other big "life stuff" happening that I'm not quite ready to delve into publicly just yet.  All of this plus every day life and trying to keep your head above water with finances, work, family, home...etc. etc. etc. can make you feel like it's hard to breathe.  

I have been keeping up with my private journal, but my prayer and meditation has been sporadic and that's been affecting me.  When life gets hard or things feel like they're piling up things start to pile up in my world physically as well.  It's almost like spiritual clutter creates physical clutter and vice versa...so I've got to get that under control and feeling tired is also a piece of that too.  Too tired to clean it up, but too messy to get clear.  That's one way I can see - oh I need to get it together.

Another way I can tell that I'm off track is I start to fall into old thought patterns. I start down the negative thought train.  I become harsh on myself and others in my thoughts.  I begin to lose compassion and feel my anger rise up.  I feel a sense of indignation, a need to defend myself and one way I've always done that is to attack.  The one difference though is now I don't act on the thoughts...I don't act out the thoughts or have confrontations the way I would have in the past.  It's a fine line you walk between setting boundaries and telling people what you think they need to hear in order to "let them know" that you will not be disrespected and maintaining a sense of calm.  I've found that majority of the time, it simply isn't worth the energy to deal with petty crap that people do.

This brings me to my Aha moment.  Well, it's actually a two-fold Aha (lol).  First, I realized that changing anything in life or cutting out anything in your life that is bad for you - be it food, drugs, alcohol, negative thinking, bad relationships, etc. etc.  it's a daily choice.  I always thought - well you just make a choice one day and never look back.  You just come to some epiphany and suddenly your whole life changes.  I think I was somehow under the impression that you have some life-altering moment (heart attack, overdose, end up in the hospital, etc.) and then just like that, BOOM, you are no longer the same and that's it.  I don't know that I ever "got it" that whole "one day at a time" thing ...but the truth is ... it's sometimes even just one hour at a time ...that once you decide to change, you keep deciding.  You keep changing.  You keep making the choice and at some point the new way becomes automatic; it becomes your new normal.  You breathe your way to the permanent change and perhaps you're never done.  Not quite sure yet because I'm still learning.

Second, I realized that the only person I have to please is me.  That's it.  If I can sleep at night and know that I truly have done my very best, that is all that matters.  Do I want my husband, my family, my friends, and most importantly my God, to be proud of me and to be pleased?  Yes.  How do I do that?  By making conscious decisions and behaving consciously.  If others have a problem with me or talk about me or feel the need to "help" me in a way that doesn't help me - I have a choice.  I have a choice to let it affect me or not.  I've had to remind myself more than once and will continue to have to remind myself that I know who I am - all of myself.  I know that I'm responsible, capable, articulate, intelligent, loving, kind and thoughtful.  I know that I care and perhaps to a fault sometimes.  I'm still working on true self-control and true self-love.  Not self-love at the expense of others or self-love as in a boastful heart, but self-love in a way that says, Here's who I am, take it or leave it.  Praise or criticism cannot touch you if you have a strong core.  A strong core needs nothing from the outside world.  I love the quote, "What others think of you is none of your business."  Amen.