I've not been writing a lot on the blog lately because there's just been so much happening and my focus has been sort of blurry from looking in so many directions. We've been working on our new home and my husband has a new role at his job and I've been struggling with next steps in my own career and we've had some other big "life stuff" happening that I'm not quite ready to delve into publicly just yet. All of this plus every day life and trying to keep your head above water with finances, work, family, home...etc. etc. etc. can make you feel like it's hard to breathe.
I have been keeping up with my private journal, but my prayer and meditation has been sporadic and that's been affecting me. When life gets hard or things feel like they're piling up things start to pile up in my world physically as well. It's almost like spiritual clutter creates physical clutter and vice versa...so I've got to get that under control and feeling tired is also a piece of that too. Too tired to clean it up, but too messy to get clear. That's one way I can see - oh I need to get it together.
Another way I can tell that I'm off track is I start to fall into old thought patterns. I start down the negative thought train. I become harsh on myself and others in my thoughts. I begin to lose compassion and feel my anger rise up. I feel a sense of indignation, a need to defend myself and one way I've always done that is to attack. The one difference though is now I don't act on the thoughts...I don't act out the thoughts or have confrontations the way I would have in the past. It's a fine line you walk between setting boundaries and telling people what you think they need to hear in order to "let them know" that you will not be disrespected and maintaining a sense of calm. I've found that majority of the time, it simply isn't worth the energy to deal with petty crap that people do.
This brings me to my Aha moment. Well, it's actually a two-fold Aha (lol). First, I realized that changing anything in life or cutting out anything in your life that is bad for you - be it food, drugs, alcohol, negative thinking, bad relationships, etc. etc. it's a daily choice. I always thought - well you just make a choice one day and never look back. You just come to some epiphany and suddenly your whole life changes. I think I was somehow under the impression that you have some life-altering moment (heart attack, overdose, end up in the hospital, etc.) and then just like that, BOOM, you are no longer the same and that's it. I don't know that I ever "got it" that whole "one day at a time" thing ...but the truth is ... it's sometimes even just one hour at a time ...that once you decide to change, you keep deciding. You keep changing. You keep making the choice and at some point the new way becomes automatic; it becomes your new normal. You breathe your way to the permanent change and perhaps you're never done. Not quite sure yet because I'm still learning.
Second, I realized that the only person I have to please is me. That's it. If I can sleep at night and know that I truly have done my very best, that is all that matters. Do I want my husband, my family, my friends, and most importantly my God, to be proud of me and to be pleased? Yes. How do I do that? By making conscious decisions and behaving consciously. If others have a problem with me or talk about me or feel the need to "help" me in a way that doesn't help me - I have a choice. I have a choice to let it affect me or not. I've had to remind myself more than once and will continue to have to remind myself that I know who I am - all of myself. I know that I'm responsible, capable, articulate, intelligent, loving, kind and thoughtful. I know that I care and perhaps to a fault sometimes. I'm still working on true self-control and true self-love. Not self-love at the expense of others or self-love as in a boastful heart, but self-love in a way that says, Here's who I am, take it or leave it. Praise or criticism cannot touch you if you have a strong core. A strong core needs nothing from the outside world. I love the quote, "What others think of you is none of your business." Amen.
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