Practicing The Pause

Recently had a conversation with a co-worker about what it means to have self-control.  She and I were commiserating about how we are both people who have a great ability to be very bubbly, out-going and even genuinely loving to people that we like and that this is a side of ourselves we'd like to express more.  However, there's another side to us, that basically, if we're done with you, we're done and we have zero qualms about not speaking to you or even looking in your direction.  She kept saying she's "not a nice person", which I really think is bull crap. I think she, like myself, is actually a very nice person who genuinely wishes people well, but doesn't have a high tolerance for folks who don't treat her with the same respect she gives.  

Personally, I am fine with not being everyone's bff.  In fact, I prefer to keep my circle small.  I also genuinely think you should go with your gut when it comes to "friends."  This doesn't mean you don't keep it professional with your colleagues (even when you genuinely cannot stand them) or that you don't keep it polite with people that you don't like and have to associate with when in certain social situations, but it means you don't let everyone in.  You don't share with just anyone.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping boundaries and keeping them clear.  

Not everyone deserves to know your struggles, your real life "stuff."  As I've seen and heard Brene Brown talk about on Oprah and read in her books - people have to earn the right to hear your "shame" story.  She says that if you have two of these "hide the body" kinds of friends - then you're golden.  I agree.  100%.  I've learned the hard way that you don't share with everyone and that in fact, you can be hurt quite badly when you share with the wrong people.  

All of that being said - she and I were talking about what self-control means, especially if you're like us, assertive women.  We will let you know how we're feeling, when we are feeling it.  We also feel that there's nothing wrong with putting you right in your place.  In other words, we will let you know.  However, I expressed to her that there have been a few times in my life where I wished I hadn't let someone "know" quite as well as I did.  There have been a few times in my life where I have "gone off" on folks, but ended up looking actually worse than the person who had wronged me. In an effort to curb this and to truly get what I want in life, recently, I've been learning to practice "the pause."   

For me, it means literally, take a breath.  What I've been doing is stopping and thinking, What is my end goal here?  If my end goal is to be heard...to be loved...to express my feelings...how is this best going to be achieved?  By yelling?  By cursing?  By being QUICK?  This is hard for quick-witted, sarcastic folks.  I'm very intelligent (ahem) and quick with my words...this doesn't always serve me as well as I'd like.  It takes a great deal of practice and discipline to practice the pause, but it is paying off.  My energy is being put into more productive things that get me closer to my goals than ever before.  I've realized more and more through meditation, prayer, therapy, reading, etc. that we only have so much energy to give each day and I really want to direct that energy toward the positive and toward living a more full, happy life.  

If it's not life-giving, if it doesn't serve a purpose to be a part of a solution or to be loving or be kind or get me closer to what it is I truly desire then I'm going to do my best to not give it energy.  Sometimes, that will also include, people.  Some people just aren't meant to have your time, energy or attention.  That doesn't mean you cannot love them from afar, but that does mean they just aren't going to be in your circle.  There's nothing wrong with that.

(see my previous blog post on this http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/time-to-let-them-go.html)

This has empowered me more than just about anything else so far.  This idea that true control is actually being in charge of my emotions (not in a crazy, control-freak, suppressed kind-of-way) and practicing the pause is just one of the ways I'm learning to gain control.  Sometimes I really wish I had learned a lot of this stuff when I was younger.  I think man, how much farther along would I be now?  That's not fruitful though, so I put that kind of thinking out of my brain and am glad I'm learning it now and practicing it.  Period.  Nothing but up from here!