The Breaks and the Shots

"Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots, but you have to play the ball where it lies." Bobby Jones

This was my view today.  70 degrees and sunny in December.  I'm not a golfer yet, but I'm a golfer's wife.  Some of you know that means you sacrifice many hours with your spouse to a game.  A game that means a lot to him for many reasons and one of the main ones being - he simply loves it.  It's something, believe it or not, I actually encourage him to do and majority of the time, really don't mind.  It's his sacred space.  It's a place where he decompresses and gets out the pent up frustrations of whatever his current circumstances or predicaments might be.  It's a spiritual practice for him and it's something I honor.  

Golf is a family tradition for him and something he holds dear to his heart.  It's something he wanted to pass on to our child.  And so today, while he carefully, quietly demonstrated, modeled and instructed our nephew on the putting green, I cried.  No one saw me.  It was a quiet, tears-slowly-rolling, kind of cry.  It was a cry from my heart.  A small sliver of the heartache we've endured and continue to heal from.  He will not teach (unless by some miracle) our own child this beloved game.  For a moment, it came rushing into the forefront of my mind.  Watching him, so patient and kind, caring and loving and knowing this is his true self and knowing this is a dream of his that has died, too.  However, a wonderful thing has come out of this, a new beginning for him as an uncle.

We are grateful for our niece and nephew and that we've been able to love and care for them and make them an integral part of our lives.  We are grateful for our family and the ways they've loved and supported us through all of this.  We are incredibly thankful that our family is a tight-knit one and one that truly "does life" together.  We could never thank them enough for the ways they've walked beside us through all of this.  It means more than we could ever say.

As 2019, which was not our best year, comes to a close, I reflect knowing that it was a year of struggle and yet, tremendous growth. We've experienced a lot of loss this year and sorrow beyond words - from our own dreams of a child to our very close, family member, Helen, who died just this month.  We've also had new beginnings in our careers and left behind old things that no longer served us.  We've begun again as a couple and a family and we continue to look forward to each day.  

Just as in golf, you win some, you lose some and it truly is how you play the game.  You can choose what you focus on and how you improve or don't.  The most important thing to remember is to breathe, set it up, and pray it goes the way you want, if it doesn't, you try again and learn from your mistakes. 

As we move into 2020 - I'm determined to live a life of joy, happiness and contentment, no matter the circumstance.  Things may not always (and perhaps majority of the time) be as I want or had hoped or wished, but I'm learning to let go of expectations of anyone or anything, and let things be.  I have no idea what 2020 will hold and I have a few things I've "resolved" to do, but most importantly, I'm going to live fully and be open.