Love Yourself Where You Are

This was me last month - wind in my hair - no make up -riding with the top down - HAPPY!

I'm writing today for me and for anyone else who reads it - who needs a pick-me-up and a reminder that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!  You don't need to lose 15 lbs to love your body.  You don't need a brand new home, car, or any other material possession to call yourself successful.  You don't need the next best job or career or *ahem* publishing deal to know that you have talent and skills that are unique to you.  You don't need a spouse/significant other to be loved. Love yourself where you are.  Yes, work towards goals and health and wealth and whatever else you desire - don't give up on any of that - but know this one thing - YOU ARE WORTHY just the way you are.  Right now, take a deep breathe and you know what, just say it out loud - it might make you feel better.  It's worth a shot.

I had an inspiring thought this morning as I was writing after meditation. I was writing down my limiting beliefs - the negativity just flowed out of me.  I was not surprised because I've had a lot of negative self-talk in life and I've played the low light reel of my life many a time in my head.  BUT I stopped mid-way and I began actively and vehemently crossing it off the page.  I started scribbling them out.  I said - NO - out loud - not going there.  I refuse.  I turned the page.  I began writing all the positive things I know and believe to be true.  I began writing, I am worthy, I am good, I am going to have all the desires of my heart, my life is good, etc. etc.  It was awesome!  It was FREEING.

I realized that every time over the past couple of weeks when I started to feel really low and down - it was because I was comparing myself to other people.  I was looking at my friends or even strangers who are at least ten years younger than me and thinking that I'm so old and I don't have what they have.  I'm too old to have a writing career - I should have started younger.  I'm too old to have a baby - I should have started younger.  I'm too this or that or whatever.  NOPE!  Not today and not ever again. I'm DONE with that.  I'm the age that I am and I'm at the place where I am due to choices and circumstances and I now know that I have everything I need inside of me and I just have to keep on tapping into that.  Keep on tapping into the part of me that survived and lead her to the place of thriving.  I've been on this journey to freedom a while - no doubt - but I'm ready now more than EVER to be happy.  

Stop comparing yourself to other people.  They have their life and you have yours.  Remember that social media is just their highlight reel...who knows what's real or fake and who cares!  Focus on you, gratitude and your own hope, dreams, aspirations, etc. and remember YOU ARE AWESOME just as you are.  Blessings and peace that passes all understanding to anyone who reads this!  

Dandelions

"When you look at a field of dandelions, you can see a hundred weeds or a hundred wishes." Anonymous 

When you read my blog, you get the good, the bad and the ugly.  It's the real deal - my writing is probably the truest form of myself that I choose to share with people.  In the past I've been hesitant and thought an awful lot (probably too much) about how will people take that or what will people think if I write that, etc.  In the last few posts I've been really open and honest about our struggles with trying to conceive a child.  For three long years, I stayed silent about it because I just didn't know what to think or how to deal with it and honestly, I feared what people would think.  I still have a tinge of - whoa - you're giving WAY too much info about your personal life here and PUBLICLY PUBLISHING it for the world to see.  I mean, I'm not an international star (yet), but 700 views and counting means that most likely....at least a hand full of folks have read my blog and shared it with others and in all of that are people I see face-to-face or know me or of me, which is kinda a weird feeling. 

So this week we found out that yet again, we aren't pregnant.  It was more devastating this time for some reason because we were all in.  We prayed more, we did more intervention, we had others praying more, we were so incredibly hopeful and ready.  We were so sure this was the time and that if we just believed hard enough...this was it.  And yet, it wasn't.  I didn't collapse completely or give in completely to the sadness, but it was close. Very. close.

I'll tell you what saved me.  God.  God not in the way that I heard my name spoken or I saw a vision or anything (but God, I welcome that when you're ready to give me some more insight and clarity :), but in the way of my people.  By my people, I mean my friends and family.  The way people showed up for me and continue to show up for me, every single day, continuously blows my mind.  It makes me tear up...it reminds me of just how LOVED I am.  

My friends and family have reached out to me, prayed with me, for me and sent me all their love and support in so many ways.  From my sister and niece and nephew bringing me a doughnut on the day I couldn't get out of bed because my grief was tangible, to my friends coming to my home and smiling, laughing and hugging me. The text messages and phone calls from friends and family.  My husband just hugging me and holding me and being very real with me about his own feelings and struggles.  What has also been incredible and a true gift to me are the responses to my blog posts and the heartfelt messages of people's own stories. My cup runneth over with pure gratitude and deep appreciation for the way God shows me how important I am to the people in my life and how important they are to me.  Don't give up - that's the message I keep getting - no matter what - don't give in or give up.  Dreams are still attainable and miracles are still possible.  

I encourage you - no matter what it is you're struggling with - look for the silver lining - look for the rainbow, look at the field and see the wishes, not the weeds.  Know that there is a purpose and a plan and you just have to keep climbing and hoping and dreaming...you will get there, but you've got to keep going.  Blessings and love to all of you who read this.  

Links to infertility posts: 
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/06/release.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/06/no-experience-is-wasted-oprah-winfrey.html
http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/07/rainbow.html

Rainbow

It's been a rough couple of days.  The endless waiting is getting to me. We did another procedure before we left - trying to get pregnant.  I told a lot of people and asked for a lot of prayer, which I'm praying so hard will not be a mistake.  I'm praying so hard that won't mean I'll have to tell a whole bunch of people, no, it didn't work.  I'm praying that no one will ask.  That they will all know, that I just need prayer, and a lot of it and I'll tell them one way or the other, when I'm able.   It's so hard to ask for help and support, but not tell people what's happening. I've learned that I just have to share because not talking about it, isolated me and made me feel worse.  I've learned who I can trust with my feelings and my "stuff" and who I can't.  I've learned who is really in my corner. I've also learned who just can't handle it.  I've come to see who is selfish, who is not as strong as I am, and frankly, who is just not interested.  It's been surprising in some cases, but very hurtful in others.  I always say though: it's a blessing to know the truth, no matter how painful. 

Last week was a distraction, dealing with the death of my paternal grandmother and seeing family members I hadn't seen in several years. It was both emotional and cathartic.  It was something I needed to do.  I wanted to pay my respects to my grandmother (I was her first grandchild) and to show love and support to my father.  Divorce is a hard thing on people, especially when there's children involved. I didn't get to spend the quality time with her that I have with my maternal grandparents.  I didn't get to know her on a deeper level, but I know she loved me and I know that I loved her. I know she was gentle, kind and caring and I believe she would have had a different, more close relationship with me if she could have.  In the end, I know I did the right thing by going and while it was painful and challenging, it was worth it.

After the viewing and funeral we had a little vacation, which was nice.  We visited with my in-laws at their condo in Florida, which is lovely and right on the beach.  I did my best to enjoy the visit and to try and stay in the present moment, to be grateful and count my blessings.  

I've been meditating, journaling, praying, talking with friends and doing my best to release it and relinquish it every time it comes up.  The questions - did it work this time?  Are we pregnant? How long before I can test?  No matter what happens, I keep trying to tell myself, I will not be bitter.  I will not be angry.  I will not be envious.  I refuse to live my life in a space other than joy, contentment and happiness.  Life is too short.  I will continue to acknowledge my feelings, feel them, and move through them.  I will not dwell, I will not sit in sorrow too long.  I won't let my future hopes, destroy my present happiness. 

Somehow, someway, God is going to bring me to a place of true peace.  I continue to see the silver lining and the blessings through this incredible journey.  My hair stylist even said to me today, I think you've really grown in this last year.  I think she's right (Jillian - you are like my second therapist so I think you should know!) and I believe it's due to deep spiritual searching and actually, suffering.  I've had to go deep into myself and see who I am.  To face it head on and deal with it.  To prepare myself for whatever the outcome shall be.  To know myself and to more importantly, strengthen my faith and my knowing, that no matter what, I am OK.  I am healthy, whole and worthy.

When we were in Florida on our last night we saw a rainbow ... it was a reminder that without the rain, there would be no rainbow.  

No Experience is Wasted

Watching a re-run of "Super Soul Sunday" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuBnKBz8cgM this morning with the famous basketball coach, Phil Jackson, I had my own "aha" moment.  During the interview Oprah asked him about how the players felt about him "bringing in all this zen stuff" and he said he was very careful about what he introduced to the players because he wanted to be sensitive to whatever religion they had been brought up with or whatever religious practices they already had. Jackson was sensitive to that because as a child he grew up in a very strict religious home that was not tolerant of other religions or religious practices.  He also said he could relate to his players and their fears and/or anxieties because when he was a player himself, he had been benched for an entire season due to severe back injury.  He also said he got pretty close to his coach during that time when he was injured, which had given him the experience and knowledge of coaching that he used later in his own coaching career. To which Oprah responded, "No experience is wasted."

Those of you who read my last blog post  http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/06/release.html , know that I shared my deeply personal struggle with infertility and this journey we are on to have a child.  There's an interesting thing that happens when you share your story with the public (700 folks in my case, so it's not exactly Oprah's international viewing audience, but hey, everyone's gotta start somewhere).

First, people have come out of the woodwork telling me their own stories and that has been amazing and comforting, as well as reassuring that I am not alone.   It also made me feel awesome that what I wrote really spoke to other people in a way that made them feel less alone.   It also let me know how many people really DO care and really are rooting for us and just even asking, hey are you OK? has been so sweet, amazing and reaffirming.  It's simple, but it's so kind and it has meant the absolute world to me.  Everyone wants to feel seen and heard, especially in their most vulnerable and painful experiences.

Second, there's been some mixed emotions to people's lack of response.  I don't care if I ever hear from a stranger about what I write, but when you put something out there that's a real look into your heart and soul - and there's silence from friends and family - you cannot help, as a human being to feel like - wow, OK, so I bled all over the page there and you said nothing?  Not. One. Thing.  It's hurtful at first.  Then you just breathe and say, well not everyone reads your blog and not everyone knows what to say, and frankly, not everyone cares. I've noticed since I began this venture of writing and blogging and putting it out there to begin my career as a writer that not everyone will be supportive.  That's the facts and I'm learning how to not take it personal, even though, that can be a challenge sometimes.  You cannot control anyone but you.

Third, I've also received some lame and insensitive comments too.  I think it's mainly because people want to be "helpful" or "supportive", but in fact, a lot of them have been hurtful. Mostly people I think don't know what to say - just a simple - I'm sorry and I'm here for you would suffice - honestly.  Just knowing that you actually care is so much better than a flip comment.  I do not want to step on anyone's toes or "call anyone out" because it can get tricky and people can be jerks if they think you're writing about them - and people take things as it's about them half the time - even if it isn't. 

Finally, I've gotten some outside response that has been really exciting and cool for me. I've been reaching out to and finding others who have experienced the horrors of the insurance companies and I reached out to a group called Patients Rising https://patientsrising.org/ to find out how I could help.  I was then asked to share my story and they liked it and want to publish it!  I've written the first part of the article and there will be a follow up to it.  I'll definitely let everyone know when it comes out and I'll share the heck out of it because 1) I'm proud and 2) It's going to help A LOT of people and maybe, just maybe, it will help some change happen.

SO - although this infertility journey has been a roller coaster of emotions - this experience is already helping others.  This experience is not wasted.  I thank God for the ways I'm continuously shown how my pain can be used for a purpose.  What I thought at first would take me out, has actually launched something amazing.  I'm not at a point where I can say I'm grateful for what we are going through, but I can see how it's being used to help others and for that, I am thankful.

Thank you to anyone and everyone who has thanked me for writing it, it means so much to me.

Release

No matter how much someone says they understand what you're feeling, they don't unless they truly have experienced it.  Even then, I feel sometimes as if that's just not possible, because they aren't you so they haven't felt it in your body.  I'm going through something right now and I feel the most alone I've ever felt through an experience.  

Even when I was down and out - divorced, jobless, homeless - it did at times seem bleak, but it never felt hopeless. It felt like something I had to go through and eventually I knew I'd be on the other side of it.  I have worked since I was a kid - formally, since 17.  I substitute taught, I worked administrative temp jobs, and I worked at Target as a cashier.  I remember the guy hired me because I answered the question, Why do you want to work here? with "I need the money."  He laughed.  I guess that's not the PC answer, but it was the dead honest truth and after he chuckled he said, "Good, we need people who actually want the hours and want to work.  People come in here and say, oh because I love the store or because I love people, etc.  That's about the most honest answer I've heard all day, so you get the job.  Start tomorrow."  I never doubted that I'd get back on my feet.  I doubted I would ever get married again...but I never doubted I'd find someone to spend time with or that I'd get a new place to live or any of that.  It was sad, it sucked, but it was somehow, I don't know, doable.  It was just a "tough spot" or a "rough patch."  I learned a lot and grew a lot.  The marriage I saw as an utter failure, turned out to be a true blessing because it forced me to be honest about all my sh** I hadn't dealt with and the amount of demons I was still battling that I truly thought I'd conquered.  So, in the end, it was indeed resolved. 

I'm sitting here with my teaching job, my beautiful new house, and my very real and happy marriage.  So, what's the point of this post you're thinking?  Well, I've found myself in a place that I cannot quite bring myself to talk about with really anyone because I feel truly as if no one "gets it" - at least no one in my circle.  Even people in my circle that think they get it because they've experienced some of what I'm feeling, do not actually get it.

We've been "trying" to conceive a child for three years.  We've done all the tests, we've been through a couple of procedures and yet, here we sit.  Childless.  I'm "like a mom" to a lot of people.  In fact, every single day to 19 little people, I'm "like a mom" and to some of them that's no small thing because they do not have their biological mothers in their lives at all.  I do not take that lightly and I thank God for it daily, sometimes even throughout the day I will think, wow, how could your mom have let you go?  I won't ever pretend to understand.  I know there are countless circumstances and situations that are desperate and they aren't anything I could comprehend because I'm sitting over here willing to go through needles, appointments, prescriptions, violations of privacy on many, many levels, and thousands upon thousands of dollars...not to mention the evil dealings of the insurance company, just to prayerfully conceive a baby.

I've been "like a mom" for as long as I can remember - starting with my little sister, then babysitting, then my niece, then my nephew and of course, for over ten years off and on, an elementary school teacher and tutor.  Like a mom still isn't a mom.  I know people think that somehow that's comforting to me or that somehow that is my consolation prize, but it isn't.  

I know people who struggled to conceive and give birth and to even continue on the journey of motherhood and raising kids, teens, young adults.  I know people who have done all the tests, the procedures, the doctors, the agonizing waiting.  I know people who have conceived and lost babies.  I know people who have lost children.  I know people who have been to hell and back with their pregnancies, their kids, etc.  None of it is "easy" and none of it came without a cost.  I am, by no means, equating anything I'm about to say or emote, with any of it.  There is no comparison in pain.

Let me reiterate that: there is simply no comparison in pain.  It's your pain. It's your struggle.  It's yours to deal with.  And this is mine.  I'm having to grapple with and struggle through this reality: I am childless.  I do not know what the future holds, this is true, but I know in this present moment, I am childless in the sense that we do not have our own child.  And there's a pain in coming to terms with the idea that this simply may be my reality.  Period.  I am 41.  My husband is older than that.  People sit with their children or child and tell me - oh yes - I know how you feel, etc.  No.  You have children - you're on the other side of all of it.  You do not have to sit in your car after a workout that was supposed to make you feel good and didn't and reminds you that your body is getting older and that you are trying desperately to release it, release it, release it .... crying with the thought: It may not happen.  Ever.  You have got to be able to accept it.   This is the reality.  To watch your niece and nephew grow and grow and remember that you were going to raise your one with them so that your one wouldn't grow up without a sibling, but at least with cousins.  To know that time cannot be stopped and the clock cannot be turned back.  To wonder, what if I'd done this or that.  To wonder, what did I do that this is my punishment?

I've sat in my therapist's office and had her tell me that it doesn't hurt less to not be hopeful.  I think that's a lie.  I think to be hopeful is to continuously stab yourself in the gut and slowly bleed.  To be hopeful and have your period start again, another month.  To sit and say, why? And to listen to stories of abused kids, and to read your files on your students, and to hear about moms on drugs or just vanished or who knows what happened to them. To say, God, I know I'd be a good mom, I've had a lot of "like a mom" practice...just give me one...just one.  To bargain.  To plead.  To cry.  To wish and hope and wait and think, maybe this month will be my miracle no matter what the doctors say.  No.  No.  No.  To have people say all the insensitive, hurtful, unaware, cruel and ridiculous things they say to you (which is why I never talk about it because I don't want to to hate well-intending people and I've already lost 'friends' over it) and to still be "hopeful" is just - a pain that's sometimes too much to hold.  

I know I must release it.  This is my only chance of being free.  The trouble is, I play games with it...I throw it and then pick it back up.  I throw it and get hit in the face with it or the stomach.  I throw it and run after it.  The letting go feels impossible -  the dream of motherhood that I must grieve - but I'm learning to somehow "let it be."  I've not succeeded, but I'm learning and growing and I guess that's better than nothing at all.  To try and end this on a "positive note"  - I do love my life and I do count my blessings and I do not take one thing for granted - not even this journey.  I am learning one thing for certain - life is short and there is joy even in sorrow and there is beauty even in pain.  Someday I will know the answers and for now, I just pray to move forward.

Toxic

Toxic and dysfunctional environments breed toxic and dysfunctional people.  Even if you're a positive, over-all happy, functioning person - the toxicity will eventually take you over.  At the first sign of this you must leave before it takes it's toll on you both physically and emotionally.  What exactly defines a toxic environment?  There are so many articles written about this, but here's my compiled list from my own personal experience.

1) Lying is normal. No one should have to constantly question what is real or fake around them - they should be able to feel that they are being told the truth at all times and that they can trust those people around them.

2) You feel undervalued and underappreciated on a consistent, regular basis. You aren't complimented, you aren't acknowledged, what you do right isn't talked about, yet what you do wrong is highlighted.  You aren't compensated for your time and efforts - either monetarily (as in a work environment) or returned favors, taking turns with duties, etc.  

3) You aren't heard.  You feel as if you don't have a voice or if you do, you will either be shut down, dismissed, discounted or retaliated against for sharing your feelings or concerns.  While every little thing or every little complaint doesn't need to be made into a huge deal, your feelings and concerns should at least be heard and listened to with respect and understanding.

4) You feel put down.  When people are speaking to you or acting as if you're beneath them or as if you're naive or ignorant - whether you are or aren't - it's rude, demeaning and hurtful.  There's a way to inform people without being condescending or chastising.

5) There's a lack of trust (see number 1 - lying) and inconsistency in how people behave - saying one thing and doing another or telling people one thing to their face, but saying something different behind their back.  There's no loyalty or feeling that someone has your back and would support you, esp. in times of difficulty or strain.

6) You are abused in any way - verbally or physically.

7) You feel helpless or hopeless and long for a way out.  If you're constantly day-dreaming of a way out or actively looking for one ... it's time to go!

If you're experiencing any of this in your work, home, church, organization, etc.  You have the right to speak up and ask for change or you have the right to leave. No one can grow, blossom, be their best self or even strive to be, if they are in an environment like this!  These types of places are not conducive to learning, growing, facing challenges, productivity or positive outcomes!  If you stay too long you will either self-destruct or become destructive - or both.  You will begin to take on these traits and could become a toxic person too!    

Teacher Appreciation

A few of my gifts!

This week is "Teacher Appreciation" week in my school (and many around the state and country).  Teachers everywhere are being given (or not) all kinds of tokens of appreciation from gift cards to flowers to hand-written notes and drawings.  Every day we put in the blood, sweat and tears (sometimes literally) that goes into this job.  This job that is a janitor, a nurse, a psychologist, a social-worker and any number of other jobs, all rolled into one.  OH yeah, and we help them learn and prayerfully, give them skills they can use for a lifetime.  What we do matters, that much I know for sure. Isn't that why everyone has an opinion on what we do?  Or is it because, well, everyone went to school so doesn't that make them an expert?  Or is it because if you're a parent, surely you know what's best for your kid (and therefore, all kids)?  If you're a tax payer, don't you "pay their salaries"?  If you're a legislator or a law-maker - you know what teachers should be doing because you read a book or an article or met someone or something like that...Everyone is an expert at what teachers should and shouldn't be doing...yet so many are reluctant or even dare I say, above, actually DOING what we do.

It's a politically charged profession, especially these days with protests and strikes, people speaking out and saying, finally, enough is a enough!  Pay us a decent wage, don't neglect the students and their facilities, materials, technology needs, etc. etc.  Some have made a little bit of headway and some light has been shone on what we educators face these days - from vacuuming our own rooms to buying supplies and working way beyond those contracted hours.  Don't get me started on the dwindling retirement benefits and health care coverage.  I hope the world of education changes and makes it possible for me and those who love the kids and learning as much as I do, to keep going and keep doing what we educators do, for a long time. 

However, I want to give you a little glimpse of what teaching has been for me and it's all of the above, but it's more.  I've learned to be my best self with "my kids."  I am far more patient, loving, kind, compassionate, good and sweet than ever.  I often say, my kids get to see the best version of me.  They push me to be a good example and role model.  This year, I've truly had one of my best classes, and part of that has to do with me coming more into my own as a person, and imparting the self-love and self-care that I've tried to do personally, to them.  As I've delved further into self-awareness and mindfulness, so have they.  I'm so proud of all the kids I've helped over they years, but this year in particular, I've enjoyed the kids more on a relational level than ever before.  Almost all of them, we just click.  We get each other.  You may think that's crazy because none of them look like me - not one of them - but I see something special, wonderful, and even one small thing I can identify with in each and every one.  I've prayed daily for them and about them.  One child in particular, has shared a similar, deeply scarred and sad story, as mine, but because I know exactly what I wish someone would have said to me way back when and how I wished someone would have advocated for me back then...I thank God every day that He made me this child's teacher and I thank Him every day for healing. 

I don't know that a lot of people could say that about their chosen profession or job.  I don't know many other jobs that each and every day they get hugs, compliments, hilarious stories to tell and be told, facilitate learning and see someone learn something brand new for the first time, to see accomplishments and progress, to see "the light bulb go on", while also tying shoes, handing out tissues, consoling, disciplining, being accidentally called mom, grandma, auntie...it's a unique, exhausting, at times truly crazy and mind-blowing, yet, wonderful experience.  Above all, I appreciate my students and the gifts they are to me.

A sweet letter from a student!