People are Surprising

Got this sweet little gift today!

Just a quick follow-up to my post from yesterday! http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2018/03/people-are-disappointing.html   One, I'm feeling a tad bit better and managed to get to work today - thank God for a 2 hour snow delay!  Two, I found this sweet little gift and a card from a wonderful, good, and kind friend waiting for me in my box.  That made me smile.  It also reminded me that while people can truly be disappointing and will continue to be... people can also be surprising.  Every once in a while, people will surprise me and remind that I am truly loved and cared for. I had a couple of adorable notes from the kids saying they missed me and several walked in and said they were so glad I was back.  I also had one darling girl say, Mrs. Tate, I prayed for you and I prayed to Jesus that you'd be back and here you are!  That made me smile and melt a little on the inside. Even a couple of my teammates took care of my plans, checked in on me while I was at home, and popped in today to say, hey, glad you're o.k.  Of course, not to be forgotten or unappreciated is my family and esp. my husband - who are always there for me! God will remind you - if you're open and listening (even sometimes when you're not) - you are indeed, loved.  I wanted to remind you all too - that no matter how many folks out there disappoint - there are also those who will surprise in the best of ways.  I wanted to take a moment to show my gratitude for the little things and to say, I am truly blessed.  It's the moments of joy, peace, and comfort that keep us going through the moments of frustration, sadness, and disappointment.  Thanks be to God.  Amen.

People are Disappointing

Full disclosure: I've been sick for a week (still am) and I'm over it.  I'm feeling sad and frustrated.  Everything I listen to and everything I read says it's important to name your feelings - not wallow necessarily - but name them and then deal with them.  Fact is, sometimes, you just aren't going to feel positive.  Sometimes you're going to feel like crap - either physically or emotionally or both.  So this is one of those times.  But I want to write about disappointment right now because that is also what I'm feeling. Maybe someone, anyone out there that reads this might comment and give me some words of wisdom.

I have very high standards for myself and expectations of myself.  I work too hard and I think I've been under the false impression for a long time that if you just work hard enough everything will work out and you can make it work.  There goes the control button again.  I stress internally and brood internally over whether I'm doing enough to make things go the way I want them to.  It's a fine line you walk between understanding you have control over things and getting up and doing something about stuff, and then of course, surrendering to the fact that you have little control over most things.

The biggest thing you have zero control over is other people.  I am in a current state of disappointment with a few people because I have had expectations of how I think they should behave.  I think to myself, well, this is how I would behave in this situation or circumstance or this is the "right" thing to do - so these people should do that.  Problem is, not everyone sees things the way I see them.  Not everyone even is aware enough of their own behaviors to know that they might be doing or saying something that others may perceive as offensive or out of line.

Examples - you're not invited to something you think you should be. A "loved one" isn't involved in your life and doesn't make an effort to be.  Someone consistently talks down to you or in a condescending tone and frequently feels the need to tell you what to do - despite the fact that you already know exactly what to do.   You feel certain friends or family members should support your business or personal endeavors in a certain way, but they don't. 

So people are disappointing - does that mean you change your expectations?  Maybe that's the answer. Have no expectations and you won't be disappointed.  Easier said than done I think. Real issue I'm having though is how to let them know how I feel or what I'm thinking about their behavior or if I even should.  I think boundaries are important and I think being open and honest is important, but sometimes I think weighing the importance of it is also good - like is anything really going to change because you said something?   Maybe that shouldn't be the goal?  Maybe the goal should be to just let people know how you feel in the most loving of ways - if the relationship is worth it to you?  I think the trouble is I want to honor and acknowledge my own feelings too and give others an opportunity to at least be aware of my feelings and maybe they'll respond kindly or even by changing,  As I stated in my opening comment - any and all helpful, kind words of wisdom are welcome.

In the meantime - your prayers, thoughts, positive energy for speedy recovery sent my way would surely be welcomed.  Peace be with you on your own journey!

What Others Think Of You...

I've not been writing a lot on the blog lately because there's just been so much happening and my focus has been sort of blurry from looking in so many directions.  We've been working on our new home and my husband has a new role at his job and I've been struggling with next steps in my own career and we've had some other big "life stuff" happening that I'm not quite ready to delve into publicly just yet.  All of this plus every day life and trying to keep your head above water with finances, work, family, home...etc. etc. etc. can make you feel like it's hard to breathe.  

I have been keeping up with my private journal, but my prayer and meditation has been sporadic and that's been affecting me.  When life gets hard or things feel like they're piling up things start to pile up in my world physically as well.  It's almost like spiritual clutter creates physical clutter and vice versa...so I've got to get that under control and feeling tired is also a piece of that too.  Too tired to clean it up, but too messy to get clear.  That's one way I can see - oh I need to get it together.

Another way I can tell that I'm off track is I start to fall into old thought patterns. I start down the negative thought train.  I become harsh on myself and others in my thoughts.  I begin to lose compassion and feel my anger rise up.  I feel a sense of indignation, a need to defend myself and one way I've always done that is to attack.  The one difference though is now I don't act on the thoughts...I don't act out the thoughts or have confrontations the way I would have in the past.  It's a fine line you walk between setting boundaries and telling people what you think they need to hear in order to "let them know" that you will not be disrespected and maintaining a sense of calm.  I've found that majority of the time, it simply isn't worth the energy to deal with petty crap that people do.

This brings me to my Aha moment.  Well, it's actually a two-fold Aha (lol).  First, I realized that changing anything in life or cutting out anything in your life that is bad for you - be it food, drugs, alcohol, negative thinking, bad relationships, etc. etc.  it's a daily choice.  I always thought - well you just make a choice one day and never look back.  You just come to some epiphany and suddenly your whole life changes.  I think I was somehow under the impression that you have some life-altering moment (heart attack, overdose, end up in the hospital, etc.) and then just like that, BOOM, you are no longer the same and that's it.  I don't know that I ever "got it" that whole "one day at a time" thing ...but the truth is ... it's sometimes even just one hour at a time ...that once you decide to change, you keep deciding.  You keep changing.  You keep making the choice and at some point the new way becomes automatic; it becomes your new normal.  You breathe your way to the permanent change and perhaps you're never done.  Not quite sure yet because I'm still learning.

Second, I realized that the only person I have to please is me.  That's it.  If I can sleep at night and know that I truly have done my very best, that is all that matters.  Do I want my husband, my family, my friends, and most importantly my God, to be proud of me and to be pleased?  Yes.  How do I do that?  By making conscious decisions and behaving consciously.  If others have a problem with me or talk about me or feel the need to "help" me in a way that doesn't help me - I have a choice.  I have a choice to let it affect me or not.  I've had to remind myself more than once and will continue to have to remind myself that I know who I am - all of myself.  I know that I'm responsible, capable, articulate, intelligent, loving, kind and thoughtful.  I know that I care and perhaps to a fault sometimes.  I'm still working on true self-control and true self-love.  Not self-love at the expense of others or self-love as in a boastful heart, but self-love in a way that says, Here's who I am, take it or leave it.  Praise or criticism cannot touch you if you have a strong core.  A strong core needs nothing from the outside world.  I love the quote, "What others think of you is none of your business."  Amen.

No Guns For This Teacher

Wearing a tacky sweater as I get ready to teach the kids!

I feel compelled to write this, if for no other reason than to get this off my chest.  I cannot stand that this is even a conversation I've had more than once over the past week.  There are people out there posting and commenting and tweeting that teachers should be armed.  I, for one, am not going to carry a gun into a school, ever and I don't want to work at a school where there are guns.  I don't want any part of it.

As a teacher, I'm not a peace keeper, I'm a peace maker.  I teach kids how to resolve their conflicts with words and how to speak to each other in a way that is helpful and constructive.  I teach my students how to walk away when angry, how to take deep breaths, to ignore things that aren't worth their energy or to speak up and stand up for themselves and others when necessary.  I encourage them not to fight with their fists or mean words.  I encourage them to speak kindly.  I encourage them to be compassionate and loving when possible. I encourage them to accept differences, respect others opinions and the rights of everyone to learn, and to try to work in harmony.  I teach my kids how to make peace, not war.

This is a point I've seen made over and over again, and one I'd like to reiterate: If I wanted to be a police officer or a soldier or an FBI agent or any other profession where carrying a gun is part of the job - I would have done that. If I wanted to be in a profession where there was a risk to my life (think firefighter for example) I would have done that.  It is my job to keep kids safe, but I never became an educator thinking, I could die at work trying to save one of my students from gunfire. That wasn't what I signed up for when becoming an educator.

I signed up for so many life-disrupting and CHALLENGING things, but not to die.  Not to carry a gun.  Not to be forced to choose between my own life and the life of an innocent child.  I pray I will never, ever have to make that choice.  I teach elementary school and I cannot imagine that I could stand by and let one of my eight-year old students get shot.  In the end that's how those teachers felt - whether they taught at Sandy Hook or Stoneman Douglas - they shielded their students and in turn, lost their lives because they couldn't stand by and watch a child die.

I'm not going to talk about gun control or about changing laws.  I'm not going to talk about mental health care or any combination of the two.  I have my opinions about politics and politicians using any tragedy as a means to their end.  However, I will say, we need to honor and respect the professional opinions of experienced educators when they say THIS CHILD NEEDS HELP.  I will say more mental health resources and more professional counselors are needed in schools to handle the ever-growing psychological and emotional needs of our students.

I will not carry a gun to teach seven and eight year-old kids how to read, write, add, subtract, create and execute science experiments, history, etc. etc. etc.  I have a right as a teacher to finally say, enough is enough.  We've got to stop this, I agree, but I can guarantee you, teachers carrying guns is not the way to do it.  I will quit (and so will countless others) before I will carry a gun to work. Period.

To all of those who say guns aren't the problem, believe me when I say, guns aren't the solution either.

My deepest sympathies go out to every family who has lost a loved one in any of the school shootings.  I will continue to pray for a solution, for peace, and for comfort.  I will continue on my mission to be a peacemaker to honor those who have been taken in these tragedies.

Practicing The Pause

Recently had a conversation with a co-worker about what it means to have self-control.  She and I were commiserating about how we are both people who have a great ability to be very bubbly, out-going and even genuinely loving to people that we like and that this is a side of ourselves we'd like to express more.  However, there's another side to us, that basically, if we're done with you, we're done and we have zero qualms about not speaking to you or even looking in your direction.  She kept saying she's "not a nice person", which I really think is bull crap. I think she, like myself, is actually a very nice person who genuinely wishes people well, but doesn't have a high tolerance for folks who don't treat her with the same respect she gives.  

Personally, I am fine with not being everyone's bff.  In fact, I prefer to keep my circle small.  I also genuinely think you should go with your gut when it comes to "friends."  This doesn't mean you don't keep it professional with your colleagues (even when you genuinely cannot stand them) or that you don't keep it polite with people that you don't like and have to associate with when in certain social situations, but it means you don't let everyone in.  You don't share with just anyone.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping boundaries and keeping them clear.  

Not everyone deserves to know your struggles, your real life "stuff."  As I've seen and heard Brene Brown talk about on Oprah and read in her books - people have to earn the right to hear your "shame" story.  She says that if you have two of these "hide the body" kinds of friends - then you're golden.  I agree.  100%.  I've learned the hard way that you don't share with everyone and that in fact, you can be hurt quite badly when you share with the wrong people.  

All of that being said - she and I were talking about what self-control means, especially if you're like us, assertive women.  We will let you know how we're feeling, when we are feeling it.  We also feel that there's nothing wrong with putting you right in your place.  In other words, we will let you know.  However, I expressed to her that there have been a few times in my life where I wished I hadn't let someone "know" quite as well as I did.  There have been a few times in my life where I have "gone off" on folks, but ended up looking actually worse than the person who had wronged me. In an effort to curb this and to truly get what I want in life, recently, I've been learning to practice "the pause."   

For me, it means literally, take a breath.  What I've been doing is stopping and thinking, What is my end goal here?  If my end goal is to be heard...to be loved...to express my feelings...how is this best going to be achieved?  By yelling?  By cursing?  By being QUICK?  This is hard for quick-witted, sarcastic folks.  I'm very intelligent (ahem) and quick with my words...this doesn't always serve me as well as I'd like.  It takes a great deal of practice and discipline to practice the pause, but it is paying off.  My energy is being put into more productive things that get me closer to my goals than ever before.  I've realized more and more through meditation, prayer, therapy, reading, etc. that we only have so much energy to give each day and I really want to direct that energy toward the positive and toward living a more full, happy life.  

If it's not life-giving, if it doesn't serve a purpose to be a part of a solution or to be loving or be kind or get me closer to what it is I truly desire then I'm going to do my best to not give it energy.  Sometimes, that will also include, people.  Some people just aren't meant to have your time, energy or attention.  That doesn't mean you cannot love them from afar, but that does mean they just aren't going to be in your circle.  There's nothing wrong with that.

(see my previous blog post on this http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/time-to-let-them-go.html)

This has empowered me more than just about anything else so far.  This idea that true control is actually being in charge of my emotions (not in a crazy, control-freak, suppressed kind-of-way) and practicing the pause is just one of the ways I'm learning to gain control.  Sometimes I really wish I had learned a lot of this stuff when I was younger.  I think man, how much farther along would I be now?  That's not fruitful though, so I put that kind of thinking out of my brain and am glad I'm learning it now and practicing it.  Period.  Nothing but up from here!

Would you rather be right or be happy?

Would you rather be right or be happy?  The truth is, I think majority of people think they want to be happy.  In reality though, most people spend their time needing and trying to be right.  Or some of you are saying, both.  I want to be both right and happy.  Or perhaps, you're saying, I'm happiest when I'm right. 

What has being "right" really gotten you?  Being right is about competition.  Being right is about showing others just how much you know and in some ways, it's also about being superior.  I've told you before how I cannot stand a know-it-all personality-type - no one can.  It breeds resentment and makes people feel bad.  No one likes to be "told."  No one enjoys feeling like they have been put down or corrected.  Don't think I sit here blameless as I type - I've definitely done my fair share of I know better than you, you should do this, you need to do that...etc. etc.  I'm aware of my own stuff and it's really unflattering - truly.

If they think they're right - you're not going to change them.  I've rarely seen two passionate people who truly believe they're right about ANY topic or issue come away from an argument or discussion saying, wow, I'm so glad you brought this to my attention, I never thought of it that way and I have now changed my mind and believe you to be right.  I'm not saying it can't happen or that it hasn't happened, I'm just saying that's not been my experience.  Typically, they walk away thinking, how can this person not see how wrong they are or how right I am?  How can they not see that they are on the wrong side of things?

Most arguments boil down to experiences.  This is the way I perceive it or experience it.  This is they way it is *to me*.  That doesn't mean that's what the other person sees or experiences.  If we are truly practicing compassion, we may try to see how the other could think, feel or believe the way they do and what experiences may have led them to those conclusions.  

In a relationship, if you've got to be right all the time, you're going to be unhappy.  Period.  You can be right all you want, but if you keep that up, what you will be eventually is, alone.  Learn that you aren't always right and that in fact, many times, no one is really "right" or "wrong" most of the time, it's just the perspective is different.  Feelings and emotions are not correct or incorrect, they just are.  Practice viewing things from you partner's standpoint and with compassion and love.  Practice patience and understanding.  It's about partnership, not competition.  Let go of the need or want to be right and sit with the difficulty of loving.  Yep, sometimes, real love feels difficult because it stretches you beyond your comfort level, but it's about growth.  Being happy sometimes means growth and almost always means acceptance.  Let some things go.

What is one thing you can do today to show that you don't need to be right?   What is one thing you can do today to increase your true happiness? 

Be Present

I'm a firm believer that if something keeps popping up - pay attention - it's a message to YOU!  Lately, what I'm reading and listening to and even conversations I'm having are telling me - be present.  Live in the present moment because that is truly all we have.  I picked up the Carlson book today and what's the first thing I read: "Learn to Live in the Present Moment".  Had a conversation with someone this morning and she was telling me about grounding, a new skill she's learning how to practice. Grounding is the practice of being HERE and NOW and not going down the path of  what if this or that or getting wrapped up in anxiety, fear, etc.  I get it.  I'm listening.  

I love a plan.  I love being organized and ordering my day and I love to feel like I know exactly how the day is going to go.  If I don't have a plan sometimes I can feel a little lost and sometimes that makes me feel nervous and uncertain, which leads to a little bit of panic, but I've realized that this is not helping me anymore and I want it to change.  I'm starting to shift my focus to understand that it's OK to not know and it's OK to take things as they come.  It's OK to be a planner too, but for me, I think it's time to let some of that go and simply be in the moment.

In this moment, I'm writing and looking at my cat and drinking my coffee and thinking, wow, this feels good.  I didn't know exactly what the day would be and I had a moment where I almost went to a fearful place in my thoughts. Instead of going there in my head, I put my feet on the ground, I said out loud, "God order my steps today.  Everything is OK. Here and now, everything is OK."  And it is.  

One of my personal goals this year, is of course, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and also learning to let go.  Surrendering to what is and not worrying so much about what will be or what was.  Realizing that I can make all the plans I want, but that won't necessarily prevent the hurts, pains and disappointments of this life.  Having a plan does not mean having control.  Many things in my life have not gone at all how I planned.  I NEVER planned on meeting my husband and I certainly had never planned on getting married again.  Yet, I love him more than any man I've ever known.  We have a truly happy union in which we challenge each other, grow with each other and cherish each other in a way I never knew possible.  That's a gift beyond measure.  

Dr. Carlson writes:  "To combat fear, the best strategy is to learn to bring your attention back to the present.  Mark Twain said, 'I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.'  I don't think I can say it any better.  Practice keeping your attention on the here and now.  Your efforts will pay great dividends."