Thanksgiving

This year, we bought our first home, we are happily married and I'm coming into my own.  I'm grateful to God for where I am and it's hard to express how far I've come with God's love and faithfulness, but I'm going to give you an abbreviated version of my story (so far) so that if you are someone who needs it (and I think we all need it) you might receive love, light and peace in any dark place you might have.  It's a story of hope.

Six years ago,  I was lying on an empty bedroom floor, crying and asking God why and wishing that everything was over - even my own life.  I kept telling God,  haven't I suffered enough?  Why do this to me?  I kept saying, is it ever going to get better?  I believed I was a failure.  I'd failed at my marriage, failed at my job, failed at life.  I was husbandless, homeless, jobless and pretty darn close to hopeless.  As I lay there, I looked up and with no more tears left, I whispered, God, I beg you, help me.

I stood up, brushed off the dust and packed my suitcase and left with zero clue how I was going to make it. 

I didn't grow up with good role models for relationships and I went to years of therapy to try and "fix myself" and I thought when I entered my first marriage that I had dealt with all my "issues and baggage", however I had barely scratched the surface. Needless to say, despite my best intentions, counseling, and a lot of just trying to suck-it-up and survive it - the first marriage ended in a quick divorce. We barely knew each other when we married and when it ended the parts of each other that we did know, we didn't like.  Disappointed and frankly, disgusted with myself for how things turned out, I thought, well that was it, I had wanted to be the first in my family to stay together and I ruined that, so I was done with the idea of having a lasting marriage.  I was done with the idea that I could really rise above all the wrong ways I learned about what being a partner was.

I was teaching when I got married. My ex-husband had encouraged me to leave the school I was at and when I did I couldn't find another full-time teaching job. I was subbing and barely making enough, which added strain to the already rocky relationship.  When the marriage ended I didn't have a job or health insurance.  The house was in his name, he stayed living there and I left with nothing.  I had basically, my clothes and a few items from the house and very little else.  To this day - I look back and see how God provided - I had good friends who let me live at their houses, rent free for a couple months each, here and there, while I tried to save up money.  Eventually, I started working as a temp, which is where I met my current husband, Chip.

I was starting to get back on my feet - I had decided that teaching had to go on hold for a while and my license had expired so I went back to an "office job" and ended up as an executive assistant at my now husband's office. I got an apartment and furnished it on my own and stopped living at friends houses, which was exciting! When I met him the divorce was just final - I had NO intentions of getting into a relationship, let alone married again.  I had zero expectations of the date even - and it ended up being the date that would change my life.  We ended the night with a kiss and a dream of a future and to this day, I still feel so blessed beyond measure for his presence in my life, the way he loves me and the way we work through our tough times, the way we are true partners and friends - I never would have believed that *I* could have that kind of life. 

Life isn't that easy though and the story doesn't stop there (of course) - I got fired from that job - and ended up having to move out of the apartment I had finally got - and although I had found my dream man - I still had a lot of work to do (as did he) to get to the "dream" marriage.  We had a lot of major hits happen in the beginning of our relationship - moving, job loss, death in the family, financial stuff, etc. etc.  Thankfully, and by God's grace, my sister let me move in with her.  I worked three jobs, took two classes at night to get my teaching license back and Chip and I continued to work on us and get better and better.   Finally, I moved out of my sister's house and Chip and I moved in together. 

Slowly and steadily, we started building our life together.  I started teaching again full-time in 2013 and saving money for our wedding and our future. Despite what anyone or anything tried to throw in the way of our moving forward, we persisted.  Our wedding in 2015 was beautiful and elegant and filled with love.  In October of this year, 2017, we bought our first home and it's bigger and more beautiful than I had thought it would be! We moved in on my birthday. I'm lying on a furnished bedroom floor looking up at the ceiling praising God with tears in my eyes, whispering, Thank you, thank you, thank you.   

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Do you have a hard time saying NO? I think women in particular are trained from a very young age to be "sugar and spice and everything nice" and being nice doesn't include saying no.  It means being accommodating and helpful.  It means putting your own needs to the side and making sure everyone is pleased and happy.  However, where do we fit in that equation?

“Just Say No” was an anti-drug campaign back in the 1980’s. People-pleasing is just like a drug in that it will also rob you of your power and leave you feeling empty. It’s time to stop. 

People are over-worked, stressed, unhappy and pushing themselves to the max every day. We over-schedule, over-do and with all the great technology, we rarely 'unplug'.  I’ve been strongly considering implementing a no phone, no internet or social media and maybe even no TV - one day a week. I think my body and mind will thank me.  It will take discipline.  Not just disciplining myself, but others around me.

I’ve been practicing mindfulness for years now, but only in the last few years have I felt that it actually has taken hold in my life.  Part of being mindful is truly paying attention to my thoughts, feelings, actions and speech.  It’s paying attention to my body.  It’s not just paying attention, but also listening and then following through.  So when my body says - I’m stressed or that’s too much for me right now - I’ve learned when to push and when to pause.  That means - I say no.  That means true self-care and self-control.  

If someone asks me to do something and I know I can’t do it and I know it is too much - wait for it - I say no.  And not only do I say no, but I’m working on not apologizing and not giving a long explanation as to why I can’t and avoid the guilt trap.  Be prepared when you start to say no, people will get mad, annoyed, give you a guilt trip or flat out say, well why not?  As if you owe anyone an explanation.  Your time is your own and it doesn’t require explanation.  It doesn’t mean you’re a selfish jerk (no matter what anyone says).

I’ve been thinking a lot about Oprah’s saying - live your best life.  My best life is not overdone, it’s peaceful, simple as it can be and full of love and genuine time spent doing what is beneficial to me and those I love.  

If you’re a people-pleaser (which many women are) this may be a very radical concept.  This may feel impossible and you may worry so much about the fall-out and making others feel bad or think this or that about you, that you will just say yes to avoid all that discomfort. However, guess what?  They will get over it.  If they are a person who loves you and truly respects you - they will move on.  No one is going to die because you didn’t go to the birthday party, bake the cupcakes, or agree to stay late for the 509th time.  

Just try it.  Say no. Period. Don’t explain or go on and on about how you normally would and if only you weren’t doing ...just say no.  I promise you it will get easier and it will give you a sense of freedom and control that you may have never felt before. 

People Don't Understand What I Do

People just don't understand what I do.  I am a teacher.  An elementary school teacher in a city school.  I work hard.  I work tremendously hard, every single day.  I see and hear about trauma that my students experience on a daily basis.  Some of my students don't know one or both of their parents, some of my students have parents that are incarcerated, some of my students have parents who are dysfunctional beyond your imagination.  Some of my students have pain and hurts that I will never be able to comprehend.  They bring that to school.  They're expected to learn - a lot - and take tests and perform, when they aren't on grade level, when they're struggling emotionally, when they're too young to be able to say, I can't think because I'm hurting and I have to deal with adult stuff, but I'm just a kid.  I do everything I can - I try to give them love, structure, discipline, and safety.  I try to talk with them about who they are and how they're feeling, what is happening in their lives and I try desperately to give them some kind of education and future they can cling to. I try to support them and yet, also teach them and give them skills and tools for learning, as well as life. This job is not for the faint of heart.

I get to work by 8:30 stay until at least 4:30 and have approx. 20 minutes a day to eat and use the bathroom.  I'm supposed to have a 45 minute planning period every day, but twice a week that planning is taken up with meetings.  The planning usually ends up being about 25 minutes by the time you drop the kids off wherever they have to go and if there's no substitute - then I have my kids and no planning.  During the planning time you're supposed to grade papers, do any number of a 100 administrative tasks, call parents, write notes, make copies, review lesson plans and curriculum, etc. etc.  There is NO way on God's green earth that I could ever get all the tasks done that I need to get done in a 40 hour work week.  It is impossible.  I've tried.  I'm an incredibly organized, efficient, work smarter/not harder kind of person - anyone who knows me can attest to this.  I can literally get 100 things done in one day...but I can't walk on water or move mountains - even though on some days I try, hard.

I won't go into the outside stuff because I'm afraid of reprisal.  There are so many factors I cannot mention that make the job harder. SO MANY.

I will say this though - please STOP looking at me as if I'm a glorified babysitter or someone who just frolics with little children and reads and does crafts all day.  Please do not insult my intelligence, my education, training, experience and expertise by saying, "Aw, that's sweet" when I tell you what I do.  Please do NOT say, "Well, you do get allllll that time off."  Yes, I do, but I'm telling you now, I work more in 10 months than most people do in 12 for half the pay and respect.  I am quite honestly, one of the most intelligent, loving, caring and talented individuals I know and yet, I am paid half of what other folks I know are (aside from my amazing colleagues and friends who are also teachers or in education) with SIGNIFICANTLY less education, training or experience.  And you know what else I really am peeved about - please, for the love of God, stop saying that I should just do it because I love it and not expect a big salary.  Please.  No other job would be possible without my job.  I teach the basics - reading, writing, math, science and social studies (history/civics).  I have to be able to break down ANY subject to an elementary level, get them to pass tests, to think, to reason and to somehow learn independence and heaven-forbid a little creativity along the way.

It's physical, it's emotional and I make hundreds of decisions daily.  I deal with regular, systematic disrespect and in some cases, actual abuse.  "Society" loves to talk about how it values teachers, but overall, I'd say not.  Media loves to talk about all those creative teachers around the country that do special hand-shakes or give out toothpaste to their kids, who spend their own money, who sacrifice time with their own families/children to care for others, yet they also LOVE to point out the bad seeds.  They love to do stories on bad teachers and all the harm they do.  We aren't treated like professionals, we are treated like robots.  We are expected to perform miracles and a lot of times we do.  We really do - those of us that care - those of us that still love our kids, even though all the other "stuff" has threatened to break us more than once.

No one knows that there have been many nights I have laid in bed crying about a child, for a child, praying for a child, wishing I could help/save a child.  No one knows that there have been countless moments of true success and happiness that happen every day when I see a child "get it" or when I know they've connected something or applied something they've learned to real life.  No one knows that I talk about the kids like they were my own or that I sometimes wish they were.  No one knows how hurt and insulted and down right horrible I've felt because of what a parent/admin/or a coworker has said or done.  Sometimes the job hurts.  A lot.  Sometimes it's amazing and a gift.

I'm not "complaining" although it may sound like it.  I just wish that someone, somewhere would simply understand the pressures we face and realize that you will continue to have teacher shortages and fewer people going into the profession, as long as this "attitude" about teachers continues.  We aren't heroes, but we are human.  Please remember that.

I want to be beautiful.

So is this what it takes to be beautiful?  I wanted to buy another soap yesterday - the latest thing that is supposed to clear your skin and make your pores smaller, cleanse and beautify.  Before I did that I said, let me see how much soap we already have. It was an entire gallon bag full of it - unopened.  I decided I didn't want to throw it all away, but what could I do with it? Google.  Shelters can take donations. I called around, no one answered, except the Salvation Army, so I asked them and they said absolutely we can take it and we brought that gallon bag of unopened soap to a good home and I felt good that we didn't just toss it.

I also wanted to buy another lotion.  My mother-in-law gave me this wonderful tube of hand lotion and I really like it and the way it smells and feels, but I've used it all up and so I wanted more.  Then I looked around and said, whoa, I have SO many lotions!  I have 20 lotions.  20!  What in the world??

It got me thinking about all the stuff I have in order to be "beautiful"  ... from make up to lotions, to hair removal, hair care, nails, skin, etc. etc.  It's TOO MUCH!  I realized that I'm not a clothes horse; I don't buy that many clothes and I purge my closet every season and give to Goodwill whatever I haven't worn that season.  I don't buy shoes often enough probably. I wait until they have holes in them and then get rid of them and buy a new pair.  However, I buy way too many lotions and potions and the latest thing that will "make me beautiful." I want to look like I'm 21 and smell like a flower all the time while being hairless everywhere except my head and that hair needs to be perfect and smooth and lovely...

I'm not 21, my legs are currently unshaven, and I don't always smell like a daisy.  I'm a real woman and I rarely look at myself and think I'm beautiful.  To be perfectly honest with you, I rarely look at myself at all.  I think when I was younger I may have had an outward, false sense of confidence and pride in my looks, but as I grew up that was teased and bullied out of me rather quickly. I soon learned that to be confident or proud even, of what you looked like was to be "stuck up" or "full of yourself" or even "vain."  Whatever I was confident about in my looks was torn down by others and slowly, I began to feel less than.  I began to focus on what I need to change or "fix" and lost the focus on what was beautiful about me.  

This is a problem that has persisted my entire adult life. How do I look?  That question.  Then there are other times when I just am like, well, this is good enough.  The weight wasn't a factor until the last five years or so, but that's a whole other blog.  I think the problem of what is beautiful for a woman becomes more intense as we age and then not only do we have to look "good," but we also now have to look young.  But we aren't young...

Step in - beauty business - buy this and you'll be beautiful!  It became a quest. I want to be beautiful and so all these products claim that I'll be 20 years younger and have perfect skin, hair, nails - I will become beautiful if I just pluck it, slather it on, wax it, shave it, tease it, lotion it, perfume it, lacquer it, buff and shine it (whatever it is).  

And you know what I've discovered - on this journey to loving myself? The real beauty secret is health.  Mental health. Wellness from the inside out.  Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise your body, take care of your MIND and mental well-being, your SPIRIT and the rest of the stuff won't matter quite as much.  I've been doing a daily affirmation with my kids and we say, "I am kind. I am honest.  I am enough.  I am loved." and at the end we give ourselves a big hug. I did it as much for them as I did for me.  I thought - maybe if someone had taught me these things from the time I was young - it would be easier for me to believe and live into now.

P.S.  I have now decided I will have ONE of each "beauty" item and use it until it's gone - not only to cut down on my spending on this stuff, but also to remind myself that how I feel about myself is the most important thing I have.   

Respect Yourself Enough to Walk Away

I don't have a lot to say right now, but I've had a moment of true clarity today.  This is all I have to say (do with it what you will): There will come a point in your life when there's such clarity that you must act, you don't know how you will act or what you will do, but you know you must MOVE because you cannot stay where you are one more dreadful, painful, horrifying minute.

Kauai Beach Resort: A Review

Kauai Beach Resort

The next three parts of the my series on Kauai are a departure from my "typical" blog because they are going to be reviews of the place we stayed and the next part will be a review of the restaurants and food we ate while on the island.  I actually LOVE to travel (although I'm not in love with flying) to new places and to eat out and according to Trip Advisor, I have 19,509 readers, 33 reviews and 18 helpful votes. I have zero clue how they track these things, but I assume they're legit.  Either way, I decided that I should share here instead and perhaps, might make it a more permanent part of my blog as time goes on.  After all, I am very honest, have good taste, and love to share my experiences with others in hopes that they do, indeed, find it helpful.

People - ALL the staff was incredible, kind, friendly, Jocelyn at the Towel Hut was amazing and Liz at the front desk that checked us in was also awesome! The cleaning crew did a phenomenal job, even called on the day I couldn't get out of bed to say they were sorry that the "do not disturb" sign was on and if I needed anything, they would gladly provide it for me at the front desk.  The day they forgot or ran out of lotion for our room re-stock, they gave me some at the front desk and an extra the next time.  I also visited the concierge to ask about acupuncture on the island and the woman (didn't write down her name) as so helpful, knowledgeable and kind (sadly, wasn't able to get acupuncture while there, but I think it would have rocked!).

Room - paper thin walls, we could hear the entire conversations of the people next to us, nice updated and modern decor 

Pool - beautiful and well-maintained, loved the amount of shaded areas and the chairs were nice and in good shape, a great pool-side bar, hot-tub, waterfalls, and a slide and wading pool area for the kids.

Beach - we could see it from our room and it was literally a 2 minute walk to the beach, amazing, but in desperate need of a full-time clean up crew (more on that in Part 4)

Gym - needs to be expanded add more machines, however it was well-stocked with plenty of fresh towels, wipes and water, and a nice working T.V. and a decent amount of weights and equipment for small space. 

Spa - needs an upgrade, need heated beds that actually work and are more plush, also some nicer rooms and an offer of water after the service, the service was pretty expensive (142 with tip for 50 minutes) and they didn't go a minute over or do any nice extras that I've had at lesser salons!  It's a resort spa and the experience was rather lack-luster.

Yoga - epic fail, first of all it was super early 7:30 AM, yet hot as hell on the lawn between the pool and the beach.  It would have been beautiful and serene with the ocean waves in the background, but it was so hot it was uncomfortable and we were all sweating a lot.  They should have put up some umbrellas or tents.  Also, the yoga "instructor" doubled as a concierge at the resort and was on his phone texting between poses which I thought was incredibly unprofessional.  He did an O.K. job, but it definitely could have been a lot better experience.  I've done yoga on the beach in Naples, it was equally hot and crazy, but the instructor brought cool towels, essentials oils and a misting fan and that was a 10 dollar pick-up class!

Restaurants - there are 3 on-site restaurants that were all pretty good, and a very good breakfast buffet (I'll review those in my next blog post)

OH - and chickens are everywhere, which I personally found hilarious, but I know some of the guests were a little freaked out by it.  I say, live and let live and they didn't bother me. They definitely were everywhere.  

Overall - I'd say a 4/5 star place and I would go back in a minute! Perhaps they'd like to have me back at a discounted rate so that I experience more and raise my review to a 5!  😉😉

Disappointment

Feeling an awful lot of disappointment this week.  Getting back from vacation is, of course, a let down in many ways, but also a number of things are going on that are leading me to feel less than "happy."

First, we came back to nothing but crazy, endless news about Charlottesville and I guess because we live in VA and because many of our friends and/or acquaintances went to UVA, we hear about it even more.  Although, no doubt, it's drawn major national attention and it's "the" news story of the week, possibly now even, the month.  I'm disappointed in people's reactions, in the endless news coverage, in the fact that we simply seem to be deteriorating as a society, that no one knows what is real or fake in the media coverage we see and no one can seem to even listen to each other or think critically about what they read or see.  I mean have we gone so far off the rails we can't distinguish fact from fiction?  I'm afraid to make any comments on anything because I fear it will be misconstrued or that I'll lose a friend because we disagree.  It's come that far.  I am not a white supremacist or a racist and of course, I completely condemn anything or anyone associated with that type of thinking or behavior - I think it's safe to say that much.  As for all the other stuff - I'm going to remain silent.

Second, and perhaps even more important to me, I'm feeling that "I'm 40 and I'm not where I want to be" thing.  I thought I'd be at a certain place "by now."  I'm having a tough time accepting where things are and that things will come in time and that this is somehow part of God's plan.  I don't get it and I don't like it and that's just the truth of it all.  Even as I type this - I think - delete it, delete it, delete it because this is too real and too much for folks and you shouldn't be putting yourself out there THAT much.  I know I must accept it and I know I've got to look to turn toward gratitude and adjust my attitude.  I know that.  I'll get there, but maybe not today.

Third, I've been cut off completely by someone I thought was a friend.  Someone I liked and admired and thought there could be a potential strong friendship with.  I don't seek out friendships often - in fact it's rare and the recent incident with this person are one of the reasons why.  People aren't predictable and they aren't always what they seem.  I'm rarely wrong about a person, but every once in a while, I am. The thing that bugs me most about it is that it was a complete misunderstanding and within minutes of the "text conversation" which I suppose was part of the problem - she thought I was being rude and I didn't think I was and then literally she was angry and offended and I was totally taken aback - she blocked me and unfriended me.  And just like that, poof, done.  I was and am still kind of stunned.  It was a matter of minutes and that "friendship" was over. I guess that says something about the friendship - it wasn't really that strong or real to begin with - if you can cut someone off that quickly, that easily - they didn't mean that much to you. I guess it's always good to know where you stand.

Disappointment comes from unmet expectations. The minute a person is capable of letting go of expectations and taking things as they come, they are in a far better state of mind. I am also coming back to the "don't take it personal" thing (Four Agreements) and I realize - that's exactly what I need to do - keep moving toward the goals, yet stay present and LET IT GO.  There's something good in almost every seemingly "bad" situation and even if you have to get out your microscope - you can probably find it.  In the meantime, I'm just going to ride the wave and go back to Hawaii in my mind.