I'm Not An Optimist...

I'm not an optimist, but I'm a pretty good dancer. I've tried, oh, how I've tried to become an optimist. Just like I've tried to be a morning person who greets life with a smile and hits the gym before work and does the prayers and the meditating before the real day has begun...yeah. No.  Someday maybe, but so far, it's not worked out that way. 

I have "The Power of Positive Thinking" in a full CD set and I've listened to it over and over.  I have countless books on how to change your thinking.  I've done meditations, prayers, read books and articles and been to hundreds of therapy sessions on how to change and rewire my brain from being negative to positive. I've had some success and I've made some progress, but overall, I'd say I'm still not an optimist.  However, this quote really struck me.  I've taken many steps forward and back in my life and although I've been knocked down a few times, I'm still standing.

As I type this I'm sick - again.  2019 was supposed to be "the year" and perhaps it still will be, but it's had a rocky beginning.  We came back from vacation and I thought I was pregnant.  I thought, wow, this is it!  All the hope, all the prayers, all the work and THIS IS IT!  We've finally done it.  I believed that I had let it go - like really - and that the reason I was pregnant was because I did finally "relax" and left all my hopes on the beach and entrusted God to just let it happen when I least expected it.  I believed that I really *did* just need to go on vacation!  All those folks who said that - all those well-meaning folks - were right!  Alas, it was not it.  I was late, only to find out that I was just that, late.  It was to put it into one small word: devastating.  Not because I wasn't pregnant (well partly because of that) but more so because I wasn't really done.  Oh, I thought I was done and that I had moved on and had truly accepted where we were and that I wasn't attached to the outcome anymore, but that was indeed, not true.

I fell hard back into depression in a way I haven't in a long time and not only was I mentally a hot mess, but then physically sick.  So I spent January trying to just get through the days without crying and trying to make different plans and trying to just breathe and let it go.  It's not cancer and nobody died I kept telling myself.  I kept trying to "no big deal" my own feelings and that was total bullshit.  So I finally let myself cry it out and feel whatever I needed and picked up the pieces and decided to try again.  Reset 2019 I'm calling it.

Might have to reset 2019 a couple times (insert laughing emoji) because just as I was getting back on track, hitting the gym again and back on my meditations and prayers and setting a new plan for our family planning - bam!  Sick.  Bam!  Setback in our plans (thanks insurance and constant hoops of fire, which I just cannot go into because it would be a book) for fertility interventions.  Bam! Work crap.  BUT, it's OK! And I'm not "no big dealing" my feelings this time - I am learning that these setbacks can and will be reset, just as they have in the past. 

Good news is - although I'm not an "optimist" still - I am quicker to go to the positive and to get back up after a fall and it gets easier the more I practice.  That is true progress.  I do eventually look on the bright side and I do eventually get down on my knees and pray it out and let it go. I do eventually laugh out loud and put on my dancing shoes and make the messiest of one step forward and two steps back  look like a wonderfully choreographed dance.  

Sad

"You have to go back to yourself, recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering, and you get relief.  And if you continue with your practice of mindfulness, you understand the roots, the nature of suffering, and you know the way to transform it."  Thich Nhat Hahn 

I've been thinking about sadness lately.  Why am I sad? What do I do with this sadness? How long ... etc. etc.

Truth is, I was so great when I wrote my last post.  I was back from a restful and purposeful vacation.  On vacation, I was intentional about my life and truly living in a mindful way. I was walking, praying, meditating, writing and reading every day.  I took breaks from people or situations when I needed to. It was a really good thing.  It was a time of real growth and a time to practice all that I've been learning.  I felt lighter and more self-assured when we first got back.

In the last week - things have been challenging. I don't want to go into all the details of everything, but it's been a series of setbacks and challenges that really knocked me down. From finances to friendships to feeling uncertain about the future and dreams - life just got "real" again, real quick.

So sadness fell over me like a heavy blanket.  Not a blanket of comfort or warmth, but one that felt suffocating.

I wanted to be real about it.  I want to let it out and talk about it because this is my journey and I share it with the hope that it helps someone else, as well as myself.  

I'm not going to stay in sadness, in fact, in some ways I already have felt it begin to lift, in the reminder of good friends who bring you coffee, who take time to talk you down from the ledge, in my husband and his constant care and love, and as always, my family.  I'm determined to live a grateful life.  

While, I'm not going to stay in sadness, I wanted to openly acknowledge it and say it's OK.  To myself.  To anyone who reads this.  Sadness is a part of life and it's OK to feel it. I'm going to feel what I feel and be OK with that.  I'm going to let it go, when it's time to let it go or let it go on it's own.  Either way, it will pass and knowing that is comforting and gives me peace.  I will continue to grow and learn that this is part of loving myself.  

Ungrateful

I've not written in a while on the blog because I've been on vacation and honestly, trying to unplug and decrease screen time as much as I could.  Unplugging meant not writing on the computer or checking emails too often, as well as, no Instagram or Facebook.   I don't even think I want IG or FB back, but I like promoting this little blog and sharing my observations and writings with others.  I've not yet reached quite the independent following I would like, so I've resigned myself to the idea that social media is still one place I can share my work and not have to peddle too hard.  

I spent the last two and a half weeks trying to rest and relax and do the things that give me peace and bring me joy (which is my word for 2019, will post more on that later). I've been taking time to breathe deep and look at the sky, the ocean, the sand, the nature around me, my husband and be grateful.  Grateful that I had a place to go that was sunny and warm and beautiful.  Grateful that I had paid time off with my husband.  Grateful that we were able to spend time alone together that was without distraction and the challenges of every day life or the stress of our jobs. Grateful for the daily meditation, prayer, walks on the beach walk, reading and journaling that I was able to do.  

Despite being on "vacation", there were a lot of moments 
when I was surrounded by people and places that were less than pleasant and in some regards quite toxic.  I took it as a time to reflect on how this made me feel, what my reactions to it were and how to practice self-control.  I also took this time to make some observations.  Here is what I observed:

1) When someone is not living in gratitude - in other words - when someone is ungrateful, they aren't capable of showing up completely for others.  What I mean by that is, when someone is busy complaining or nagging or bragging even, they can't really see what others need or how to help them. They also have a hard time relating to others in a healthy way.  They are self-centered, self-focused and driven to distraction by their own feelings/worries/fears, etc.

2) When someone is ungrateful they aren't capable of enjoying all they have, despite having far more than others.  

3) Money does not buy you happiness.  I have seen it with my own eyes.  People with multiple homes, cars, kids, and plenty of money to last them and their kids a lifetime, and yet, walking around angry, frustrated, sad, depressed and in all kinds of bad moods.  

4) Money does not buy you good health.  It can buy you good doctors, it can buy you good looks, it can buy you treatments, cures, health insurance, but it can't change your genetics, your DNA or your overall well-being.

5) People who are ungrateful just don't enjoy life!

6) People who are ungrateful often feel entitled to what they have and resent others for wanting the same things.

7) Last, but not least, I noticed that it is good to be in these types of environments and around people who are ungrateful and who are in fact extremely challenging if for no other reason than it reminds you of how not to be!  It also helped me practice my meditation, patience, and love.  It helped me to practice how to unplug from negativity, how to listen to and acknowledge others, but not agree. It helped me to use my healthy coping skills and mechanisms.  After all, what are these skills good for if they're not tested?

As we enter into 2019 - I encourage you to be grateful for all you have in your life and most importantly, who you have in your life!  Love and give energy to the people and activities that you truly enjoy and that are worth your time and energy and try to let the rest go.  Have an attitude of gratitude - expecting nothing - but appreciating every good thing you can! 

I Remember...

This is today's prayer on my daily calendar:

Dear Lord, I thank You that You have made Yourself available to me.  By simply drawing close to You, You will draw close to me.  I come close to You now and ask that You would give me a deep sense of Your presence.  Sometimes I feel that my life is too much for me to handle.  At those times I need to be close to You more than ever.  I need to hear Your voice speaking to my heart that everything will be okay.  Help me to see my life from Your perspective.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  James 4:8 

I've had a sort of "crisis of faith" lately...thinking, God, where are you?  Why are you answering all these other people's prayers and not mine?  God, what about me? God, are you even there?  Like a petulant child, desperate for attention, for my 'prize' and for my own desires to be fulfilled.  I'm not gonna lie, I've been pretty pissed at times too.  Resentful and angry and bitter.  I've been sitting here pouting like my students do when they don't get their way or when I don't call on them or when they neeeeeed to tell me something (like 'so and so looked at me wrong') and I can't get to them swiftly enough.  

I've come a long way on my life's journey in some aspects and in others, well, I'm still growing.  I was watching Michelle Obama on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday yesterday and she said, she's still becoming.  That blew my mind.  She's an accomplished person - amazingly accomplished - and she's risen above SO much and here she is saying, I'm still becoming.  In other words, her growth is still happening.  That's so powerful.  That just hit me like - whoa - if *she* is still growing and becoming more of who she is - then yeah, it's OK for me!

That brings me back to my point - my daily prayer brought me to tears because I needed that.  I needed a reminder.  How do I draw near to you? Gratitude.  Come to me with thanks, I heard.  I began naming out loud all of my blessings and saying, I am grateful for (fill in the blank).  My husband.  I am grateful for my husband.  How many years did I pray for him?  Long before I knew him, long before I ever went through that first marriage, long before I went through the divorce, long before I went back to therapy to get myself back together again....and here he is.  My prayer was God, please give me a husband that won't give up on me and who will put in the work, no matter what.  A husband who will be strong enough to stand up for me, and strong enough to tell me to chill out, strong enough to cry and to love and to be my man through and through.  A husband who won't leave and who is faithful.  A husband who provides. A husband who will erase the hurt and insecurity of all the years of abuse and suffering.  A husband who when he looks at me - it's not a question how much he loves me - ever.  He is here.   

Looking back over my prayer journals - I wanted to teach.  I wanted to be making this salary and have benefits (I'm getting more specific now :) and to have a home of my own.  I wanted a few good friends that would stand by me and laugh with me and pray for me and support me and that I could do the same for.  I wanted a small group of people whom I could love and who would love me.  I had prayed for the things I have now and so I don't want to take any of that for granted.  Although my prayers have been very different the last four years...I remember.  I remember a time that I had longed for all that I have now.  I remember God.  You are faithful and while I may not get all the things I "want" - I have all the things I need.  You are still here and You still love me.

God, help me to remember when I'm losing sleep, changing explosive diapers, and having very little time to myself...when I'm lugging a diaper bag instead of a pretty, designer purse and when my pants won't fit right or when I'm covered in some sort of baby 'stuff" - help me remember how I prayed and how I longed for him/her.  

Help me remember when I'm inundated with contracts and demands from editors, publishers, etc.  When I'm writing, writing, writing and collecting all those checks and having to organize all the demands upon my time. Help me remember when this was all I wanted.  

You are always with me and maybe, just maybe, that's enough.  

P.S. Thank you God for reminding me that the blessings of others are a sign that you are here and working and not that I'm not getting what I want and life isn't about comparison.  Bless them, be happy for them and move forward with your own vision and your own knowing and your own becoming.  

I Keep Waiting...

I keep waiting for the pain to go away.
I keep waiting for the dream to officially die.
Just die already
I keep telling it.
JUST DIE
So I'll stop waiting.
So I'll stop wishing.
So I'll stop
wanting
something
I cannot
have.

I keep waiting for the longing to subside.
I keep waiting for the hope to fade.
Just fade away
I keep telling it
JUST GO
So I'll stop waiting,
So I'll stop wishing.
So I'll stop
grasping
for something
I cannot
hold.

I keep waiting for the sorrow to end,
yet here we sit, together.
Down on our knees
Praying and begging,
How I long to let it go.
The waiting seems
to never
end.

Poem is officially mine - Sara C. Tate

I Cried Today

I cried today in the Dollar Tree as we were walking passed the "baby shower" items.  The plates were decorated with baby elephants and tigers and other animals.  I start my cycle this week.  I already know and have the signs and symptoms.  We were in public, so I only allowed myself a moment.  A moment to wipe the tears and to take a breath.  To remind myself that it's not over yet.  That I'm O.K.  This is grieving.  This is grief.  Anyone who has lost someone or let something go or has had to say good-bye - knows this.  When you think, oh I'm free of that hurt now, oh look at me thriving and doing great!  Bam.  Out of nowhere.  Truly.  Out. Of. Nowhere.  Or maybe out of somewhere deep...it just popped up.  It was something about the blue plates, the pink plates, the green for the in-between not-gonna-find-out-the-gender-like-old-school plates.  It was something about my desire to decorate our child's room in an elephant theme.  It was something about the dream not yet fulfilled.  It made me cry.

We got home and found this package on my door.  So. Unexpected.  Inside it was the above shirt and note.  A good friend of the family sent it to me.  A while ago I saw her with this shirt on and said, OH, I love that shirt!  I wanted to know where to get it.  A few days ago she sent me a message and I thought, strange she was asking about my shirt size and address.  I don't know why I didn't put two and two together.  I was probably tired.  I was probably rushed.  When I opened the package, I cried.  The thoughtfulness and the kindness of a friend.  I don't even know the last time I've seen Michelle and yet, she did this. She didn't know that I had breakfast with my niece and nephew just before that Dollar Tree visit and that I left longing more and more for our own child than I have in a while.  She didn't know that I sat wishing we had gone on their trip to Disney with our own kid and that maybe someday we would do that for our child(ren) (my family just went to Disney for the kids first time and were thanking us for taking care of the dogs while they were away, with a breakfast).  She didn't know that we talked about age, and my husband's upcoming birthday.  Or that I was reminded of my own age this morning by my slowly appearing wrinkles and the grey hair at the crown of my head as I looked in the mirror.  

She didn't know any of that.

I cried today because of the sadness.  I cried today because the dream is slowly dying.  I cried today for the glimmer of hope that still remains.  I cried today because of the kindness of our friend.  I cried today because my faith is as small as a mustard seed, but God said it can still move a mountain.  

Today, the mountain did not move, but God came and sat with me on the mountain and offered me a tissue and a hug, in the form of a t-shirt and a note.  

Lady Gaga, Lauren Daigle, and Me

Recently, I began another free meditation series with Deepak Chopra.  It's a 21 Day Meditation Series entitled: Energize Your Life: Secrets for a Youthful Spirit.  One of my favorite parts about the 21 day series (aside from the fact that it's free!) is that there are journal prompts at the end.  The journal prompts are a great way to follow up after meditation.  More on that later.

Most recent meditation journal prompt asked:  Name two things that bring light and lightness to your life. One of those things for me is art. Art in all forms, but art especially in the form of music, brings incredible dimension to my life.  Art fulfills my soul.  I also love, love, love good song-writing.  As I am a poet, I find lyrics to be just that, poetry set to music.  There's nothing more powerful to me than a singer, song-writer who just puts their heart into their songs. 

A good song reaches into your quiet, hidden spaces and finds you...it whispers or calls to you, it sometimes shouts to you, but it speaks to you.  It says, I see you.  I hear you.  I've been there too.  I resonate.  I reverberate.  I feel what you feel.  I get it.  That's a song of depth.  That's a soul song.

I've written about Gaga before and how much her music and her life has inspired me https://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/02/lady-gaga-inspiration.html .  To me, she seems like an authentic person who is truly trying to find her way through her art. I get that.  I saw this video recently in which she talked about her own battle with anxiety and depression.  https://www.facebook.com/Upworthy/videos/lady-gaga-gets-real-about-depression/319304378865850/ It's so good - if you can't get to it here - find it.  It made me love her even more.  Also, just saw, "A Star is Born" and all of those love songs are SO heart-felt.  My favorites were definitely, "Is That Alright" and "I'll Never Love Again" and "Always Remember Us This Way" because honestly they remind me so much of my love for my husband.  (I'm unapologetically in love with him - mushy, gushy whatever - think what you want - it's the truth).   She sings from her gut and it's powerful.  I admire Gaga's creative nature and constant growth and change.  Her freedom.

So stay with me on this.  Lauren Daigle - who I first heard years ago on Christian radio - and fell in love with her voice.  You might be thinking other than the fact that they both sing and have hit records, what could these two (and you, Sara?) have in common?  I'm getting there.

Not only does Daigle have her own incredible voice - her tone, her range, her actual voice, but her spiritual voice is deep.  She has the voice of someone who has been broken - like me - to the core.  Someone who didn't believe herself worthy of any love - let alone - God's love.  Many of her songs point to feeling alone, feeling on the "outside" of everyone and finding acceptance in God's grace and love.  In learning to love herself by seeing herself through God's eyes.  Her latest CD (thank you family for this birthday gift!) "Look Up Child" is incredible.  Her song, "Still Rolling Stones" has this to offer:  'I thought that I was too far gone, For everything I've done wrong, Yeah I'm the one who dug this grave, but you called my name.'   That just fell upon me and brought me to tears.  

So here it is - the comparison - the links.  These two women are thought-provokers, artists, singers.  Both of them speak to our humanity - how people can be beautiful and flawed all at the same time.  In fact, its more beautiful than perfection.  Both of them are rebels in their own right. Neither are afraid to to speak or create or to put themselves out there.  Not to mention they both have awe-inspiring talent, but messages too.  

The message:  You are loved.  You are perfect in your imperfections.

Which brings me to ... me.  I'm no singer (that's for certain) and I've never written a song.  I'm also not a rebel.  At least not in the traditional sense of the word.  What I am though is a poet, an artist, a writer and a woman of depth.  I value individuality, going against the grain, and people who are free to be themselves.  What I did do though? I beat the odds and all those statistics for girls like me.  Girls who grew up the way I did with the life-experiences I've had and the demons I've battled.  I might not be a rebel, but I certainly did break barriers of my own.  

I promised myself I would have a deep, committed love and I would be victorious and not a victim.  I am not who anyone says I am, but me.  I am myself, unabashedly.  And although, my art hasn't yet "taken off" and I don't have a million followers or views or likes or books sold, etc, I'm still here and grateful for every person who takes the time to read what I write.  

I hope this brings light and lightness to your life and that it helps you in some way!  Thanks for reading and taking part in my own artistry.  Be inspired.