Compassion

Yesterday, I woke up cranky. I wanted my husband home, the house cleaned, the driveway shoveled, the cats to stop annoying me...to be financially independent so I never have to think about work...why didn't I win the lotto (I didn't play)....and the snowball effect began...the spiraling of thoughts.  STOP!  I told myself.  I meditated - TWICE - because I could (another snow day).  I prayed.  God answered.  Love it when that happens.  God told me to put into practice what I've been learning and don't fall back into old habits.  Be grateful.   I started naming out loud all the things I'm grateful for.  I picked up the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" book and I read.  I'm at "chapter" 5 now. 

Develop your Compassion.  That's the title.  I cried a little when reading it because it really hit home for me. Sometimes I can be an incredibly compassionate person (esp. at work with my kids), but sometimes I can be the direct opposite.  Sometimes I can judge the heck out of folks and situations and of course, out of myself.  I did it to myself yesterday morning- or at least I started to - the judgment.  Why are you feeling this way?  You should be grateful, you should feel this or that.  You should be practicing what you're preaching.  Should, should, should, should.  Instead I stopped.  I said, What can I do about how I'm feeling?  Do I want to keep feeling this way today or do I want to get out of it?  I decided I wanted to get out of it.  So I did.  

Of course, be compassionate with yourself first.  Then as the book is talking about extend that to others.  That's what I'm learning now - I must feel things for myself (confidence, trust, compassion, etc.) first and then extend out.  Carlson points out that compassion is something we develop with practice.  Put ourselves in the other person's shoes, feel love for them and then do something.  First the intention to love and care, next the action to do something about it.  "It's not so important what you do, just that you do something."  So a simple smile, hug, hello or some other way of helping and showing you care.  Compassion is about understanding we are all going through something and I learned this a long time ago (from a sermon) if you put your problems and the other person's problems on the table and were asked to trade, you'd probably take yours back.  

"Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously.  When you take time, often, to reflect on the miracle of life - the miracle that you are even able to read this book - the gift of sight, of love, and all the rest, it can help to remind you that many of the things that you think of as "big stuff" are really just "small stuff" that you are turning into big stuff."

That's my biggest goal this year - stop turning the small stuff into big stuff and it has already begun!  

2018 I'm ready!

This is one of my favorite photos of myself and I cannot wait to get back to Hawaii!

Happy New Year everyone!  It's time for reflection.  This is my 80th blog post.  In one year of writing this blog I've learned a lot and I've actually grown quite a bit too!  This little blog has come a long way also - I'm up to 450 views!  That's exciting and something to celebrate.  I'm ready for more!

I was doing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen and thinking about the blog...Learning to Love Myself - This Year's Journey.  Do I love myself now?  I asked myself that question.  The answer is - yes!  A resounding yes!  Not that I didn't before, but I feel I've reached a new level and I do think that this blog has been a big part of reaching this new level. Something that happened recently made me put into practice a lot of what I've been reading and writing about.  

As Oprah would say, I had an "Aha" moment.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me - it matters what I think of me.  It matters what I pay attention to and what I choose to focus on.  I have control over how I choose to react in any situation.  I realize this isn't "ground breaking" news for anyone or that this is no new concept, but I actually practiced it and I ended up "getting over" something SO much quicker and I felt FREE.  I wasn't chained to feeling bad or obsessive thinking and analyzing.   I was able to ask myself, Is this true?  Is there anything I could or want to change about this?  What actions can I take?  How do I move forward?  and I did just that.  I moved forward.  I DID IT and I felt free!  Free of the drama, the negativity, the strife...I was free to be happy. 

I had a good talk with a wise friend (Fajir Amin) recently (I'm so blessed to have wise friends!) She said, "I no longer have problems, I have a process."  Amen.  I realized too that this is a beautiful summative statement of what I've been reading and researching all year.  It's a life philosophy.  It's a way of reframing the entire world and how things happen.  It's about taking control in a real way that makes sense and actually works. 

I remember reading about this in the Robbin's book also - the language of things matters - how you describe something, how you define it, etc.  There was a man Robbins described in his book that said he was "annoyed" or "peeved" about a certain situation, in which the other people experiencing the same thing were "enraged" or "furious".  It made all the difference.  Chapter 9 of the Robbins book is entirely about vocabulary.  Words matter.  It's something I've known all my life as a writer, as a teacher, as a person in any relationship - words matter because they have power whether we want them to or not.  So choose your words carefully, especially when speaking to yourself!

I also discovered this fantastic TED talk this morning - on New Years Day - and in it Tasha Eurich discusses this very thing I've been journeying through all year: Self-Awareness and how so many of us get it wrong.  She talks about how we must change our questioning to What questions, rather than Why questions.  This is amazing to me!  I've often felt that the Why questions lead us to feel stuck because in majority of cases in life - we may never know why!  I'm so excited to learn this and practice this further.  I didn't know this is what I was doing in the  most recent situation that I had, but it is.  I asked myself questions and although the questions weren't exactly, "What" questions they were introspective questions and when I stopped asking myself the "Why" questions - I experienced freedom and happiness so much quicker!  

I'm going to continue the blog and it will be evolving and ever-changing as does life.  I've not given up on the Tony Robbins book (Awaken the Giant Within) because it's really proven to be a great resource and I've learned and applied several principles from it and seen results. Although, I have 250 pages more to read!!  I've also started reading, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Dr. Richard Carlson and "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh.  None of this is "easy reading" and I don't expect to finish anything quickly, but I do intend to soak it all up!

Watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGdsOXZpyWE&feature=youtu.be

All I want for Christmas...

...is something I truly cannot have.  I want my mom to have her husband alive and well. I want my friends who have lost their parents and siblings to have them back. I want families and friends to be healthy, peaceful, and happy. I want all of my kids (my students) to have whole, in-tact, families and stable lives. I want so many things that simply cannot be bought or sold.  Peace on earth.  Clean running water for people who need it desperately all around the world.  The list could go on and on.  

Christmas is a holiday that makes a lot of people sad.  Thanksgiving doesn't tend to be that way.  It's because of pressure, the expectation, the Christmas cards with pristine white hills and a little fireplace glow...the kids with hot cocoa and the parents smiling affectionately.  It's the idea that peace and love are everywhere and that all we have to do is "believe", etc.  Maybe that's true, but there's something about Christmas that can really make people feel down.  

1) Family.  The idea of family is a BIG stressor for so many people.  Family dysfunction and toxic family dynamics - the pressure to "get along" and to "bite your tongue" and just "get through" the family gatherings.  Many people don't even like their own family members (after all you didn't get to choose them - like your friends or your spouse) and loathe the thought of being around them, yet, they take what is supposed to be a special time of year and make it dreadful by spending time with people they don't like because they feel like, well, Christmas is about family.

2) Loss.  This is a big one.  Many people are missing someone or many people, at this time of year.  Maybe they had a family member they actually did cherish and love and that person is now gone.  They long for them at this time of year because there is a pressure - people are all rushing off to be with their loved ones at this time (sometimes people actually do love their family and enjoy their time with them)  and they have an empty seat at the table.  They wish they could talk to that person one more time, to laugh with them, to look at their face and feel their hand - to just be physically in their presence, just one more time.  Also, the loss of relationships - either through estrangement, divorce, break-up, etc.  People miss people at this time of year sometimes even more than other times.  Even if there has been weeks, months, years since the loss has happened, something about Christmas can make the loss feel fresh and deeply painful all over again, as if it was the first time that you're feeling it.

3) Expectations.  You might be the person who wants the perfect decorations, Christmas cards, or gifts to give or receive.  You might be the person who wants the best party or to be invited to all the parties, etc.  Or maybe you need the food to be elaborate and delicious, the table to be set just so, and all the right people to be in attendance.  Instead, you burned the bread, the Jones' had somewhere else to be that night, and the cat climbed up the tree, knocked it down and broke a bunch of ornaments.  You wanted that perfect gift for your husband/wife and you ended up with a gas station gift card (if that's your favorite or what you asked for, don't get mad at me, please).  Life doesn't go as planned.  In fact, majority of things (even some of the BEST things) in life can't be planned.  We don't have control.

That's just it - we don't have control over anything, except ourselves. Control is an illusion.  The idea that we can manipulate and control anything and everything.  That somehow we are in "charge."  I'm not at all suggesting we should just float around and wait and see what happens...I'm not saying that all of life is just happening to you or around you and you're just a feather in the wind...but I am saying (and mainly to myself here) to lighten up.  Not in a flippant way or a dismissive way, but to let go of the baggage.  Put down the burdens. To relinquish expectations, to let go of the sadness, the losses...to look for hope and the good things.  To shift the focus, take deep breaths, to be present and allow any glimmer of love and peace in.  Let it in.  You'll feel better.

Friends.

These are a few pictures of my friends. My real friends. My husband is one of my best friends, as is my sister - they are also my closest friends (they aren't pictured here and neither is one of my good friends because she didn't want her pic. posted - and like a true friend - I honored that). Everyone wants to be liked and accepted - it's part of being human.  Some people need it or want it more than others and by more or less number of people, etc. however, everyone wants to "get along" and feel like people understand them or at the very least, like them.  I've always been a person who values real, deep friendships.  I have a few very close friends whom I've known majority of my adult life - 17 plus years in some cases!  They are real friends - friends I call in the good and bad times, friends who I feel "know" me and friends whom I "do life" with.    

Anyone who knows me well (or not even that well) knows that I have a strong personality.  I have opinions, I'm not afraid to share them and I'm very honest with anyone who asks me for it (and sometimes even folks who don't), however, I love deeply and I'm loyal once I've decided you are my friend.  I will defend you to any outside person, I will be there for you at 2 am and in every moment of true need, and I will most certainly be your champion at every turn.  I'm genuinely happy for my friends when they do well. I will always want what's best for you and if you need advice or help on anything - I'm there. I also love to have fun and engage deeply in life with you. That's the truth.  I can also be jealous and critical and stubborn.  I can be too sensitive and sometimes I get offended, but I believe if we're true friends, we can talk it out and come to an understanding.  

In the last five years, I've been branching out and connecting with more people (particularly through work, since I've been there a while now) and it's been an interesting experiment. It has been a painful process at times. I've been hurt by people, I've misunderstood people and vice versa, and I've thought friendships were deeper than they were. I've had people not be honest with me or themselves. I've come across people who minimize my feelings by "one-upping" problems.  I've had to find out through social media that I wasn't invited, etc. All of this can breed insecurity, make you feel like, wow, what did I do or make you look at someone differently and think, this isn't a person I want to be close with.  

I've had a tough time taking down the "walls" that I've built to protect myself.  I've been encouraged to be my authentic self with everyone, and what people do with that is their choice. I do believe it's O.K. to be mindful about what you share and who you share it with, but not to the point where you're constantly guarded and distrustful.  I've found that my gut will tell me clearly whether or not the person can be trusted. I've also learned in this process that not everyone is going to be your real friend AND THAT'S OK and in fact, a necessary part of life.  You truly cannot connect on a deeper level with majority of people and again, that's a good and healthy thing.

Time will tell whether the relationship is worth putting in the time or not. Life is too short to waste time on or put energy into empty relationships.  There are ups and downs to every relationship and the lasting ones you will be able to work through your down and hopefully, communicate effectively. Even when you're hurt or there are misunderstandings - the goal is to get better and do better in your relationship and usually conflict is the best teacher.  The lasting friendships will be the friendships that you can share your real feelings, your real self, and will stand the test of time.

There will be times when you'll have to release people (see blog: http://saratate3.blogspot.com/2017/01/time-to-let-them-go.html)

I've also made a couple of good friends in the last couple of years too.  Women who I can be real with and who can be real with me.  Women who are willing to put themselves out there and to share their lives.  Women whom are slowly becoming people who I admire and trust.  Women who are championing me and my success and vice versa.  That's a beautiful thing.

Thanksgiving

This year, we bought our first home, we are happily married and I'm coming into my own.  I'm grateful to God for where I am and it's hard to express how far I've come with God's love and faithfulness, but I'm going to give you an abbreviated version of my story (so far) so that if you are someone who needs it (and I think we all need it) you might receive love, light and peace in any dark place you might have.  It's a story of hope.

Six years ago,  I was lying on an empty bedroom floor, crying and asking God why and wishing that everything was over - even my own life.  I kept telling God,  haven't I suffered enough?  Why do this to me?  I kept saying, is it ever going to get better?  I believed I was a failure.  I'd failed at my marriage, failed at my job, failed at life.  I was husbandless, homeless, jobless and pretty darn close to hopeless.  As I lay there, I looked up and with no more tears left, I whispered, God, I beg you, help me.

I stood up, brushed off the dust and packed my suitcase and left with zero clue how I was going to make it. 

I didn't grow up with good role models for relationships and I went to years of therapy to try and "fix myself" and I thought when I entered my first marriage that I had dealt with all my "issues and baggage", however I had barely scratched the surface. Needless to say, despite my best intentions, counseling, and a lot of just trying to suck-it-up and survive it - the first marriage ended in a quick divorce. We barely knew each other when we married and when it ended the parts of each other that we did know, we didn't like.  Disappointed and frankly, disgusted with myself for how things turned out, I thought, well that was it, I had wanted to be the first in my family to stay together and I ruined that, so I was done with the idea of having a lasting marriage.  I was done with the idea that I could really rise above all the wrong ways I learned about what being a partner was.

I was teaching when I got married. My ex-husband had encouraged me to leave the school I was at and when I did I couldn't find another full-time teaching job. I was subbing and barely making enough, which added strain to the already rocky relationship.  When the marriage ended I didn't have a job or health insurance.  The house was in his name, he stayed living there and I left with nothing.  I had basically, my clothes and a few items from the house and very little else.  To this day - I look back and see how God provided - I had good friends who let me live at their houses, rent free for a couple months each, here and there, while I tried to save up money.  Eventually, I started working as a temp, which is where I met my current husband, Chip.

I was starting to get back on my feet - I had decided that teaching had to go on hold for a while and my license had expired so I went back to an "office job" and ended up as an executive assistant at my now husband's office. I got an apartment and furnished it on my own and stopped living at friends houses, which was exciting! When I met him the divorce was just final - I had NO intentions of getting into a relationship, let alone married again.  I had zero expectations of the date even - and it ended up being the date that would change my life.  We ended the night with a kiss and a dream of a future and to this day, I still feel so blessed beyond measure for his presence in my life, the way he loves me and the way we work through our tough times, the way we are true partners and friends - I never would have believed that *I* could have that kind of life. 

Life isn't that easy though and the story doesn't stop there (of course) - I got fired from that job - and ended up having to move out of the apartment I had finally got - and although I had found my dream man - I still had a lot of work to do (as did he) to get to the "dream" marriage.  We had a lot of major hits happen in the beginning of our relationship - moving, job loss, death in the family, financial stuff, etc. etc.  Thankfully, and by God's grace, my sister let me move in with her.  I worked three jobs, took two classes at night to get my teaching license back and Chip and I continued to work on us and get better and better.   Finally, I moved out of my sister's house and Chip and I moved in together. 

Slowly and steadily, we started building our life together.  I started teaching again full-time in 2013 and saving money for our wedding and our future. Despite what anyone or anything tried to throw in the way of our moving forward, we persisted.  Our wedding in 2015 was beautiful and elegant and filled with love.  In October of this year, 2017, we bought our first home and it's bigger and more beautiful than I had thought it would be! We moved in on my birthday. I'm lying on a furnished bedroom floor looking up at the ceiling praising God with tears in my eyes, whispering, Thank you, thank you, thank you.   

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Do you have a hard time saying NO? I think women in particular are trained from a very young age to be "sugar and spice and everything nice" and being nice doesn't include saying no.  It means being accommodating and helpful.  It means putting your own needs to the side and making sure everyone is pleased and happy.  However, where do we fit in that equation?

“Just Say No” was an anti-drug campaign back in the 1980’s. People-pleasing is just like a drug in that it will also rob you of your power and leave you feeling empty. It’s time to stop. 

People are over-worked, stressed, unhappy and pushing themselves to the max every day. We over-schedule, over-do and with all the great technology, we rarely 'unplug'.  I’ve been strongly considering implementing a no phone, no internet or social media and maybe even no TV - one day a week. I think my body and mind will thank me.  It will take discipline.  Not just disciplining myself, but others around me.

I’ve been practicing mindfulness for years now, but only in the last few years have I felt that it actually has taken hold in my life.  Part of being mindful is truly paying attention to my thoughts, feelings, actions and speech.  It’s paying attention to my body.  It’s not just paying attention, but also listening and then following through.  So when my body says - I’m stressed or that’s too much for me right now - I’ve learned when to push and when to pause.  That means - I say no.  That means true self-care and self-control.  

If someone asks me to do something and I know I can’t do it and I know it is too much - wait for it - I say no.  And not only do I say no, but I’m working on not apologizing and not giving a long explanation as to why I can’t and avoid the guilt trap.  Be prepared when you start to say no, people will get mad, annoyed, give you a guilt trip or flat out say, well why not?  As if you owe anyone an explanation.  Your time is your own and it doesn’t require explanation.  It doesn’t mean you’re a selfish jerk (no matter what anyone says).

I’ve been thinking a lot about Oprah’s saying - live your best life.  My best life is not overdone, it’s peaceful, simple as it can be and full of love and genuine time spent doing what is beneficial to me and those I love.  

If you’re a people-pleaser (which many women are) this may be a very radical concept.  This may feel impossible and you may worry so much about the fall-out and making others feel bad or think this or that about you, that you will just say yes to avoid all that discomfort. However, guess what?  They will get over it.  If they are a person who loves you and truly respects you - they will move on.  No one is going to die because you didn’t go to the birthday party, bake the cupcakes, or agree to stay late for the 509th time.  

Just try it.  Say no. Period. Don’t explain or go on and on about how you normally would and if only you weren’t doing ...just say no.  I promise you it will get easier and it will give you a sense of freedom and control that you may have never felt before. 

People Don't Understand What I Do

People just don't understand what I do.  I am a teacher.  An elementary school teacher in a city school.  I work hard.  I work tremendously hard, every single day.  I see and hear about trauma that my students experience on a daily basis.  Some of my students don't know one or both of their parents, some of my students have parents that are incarcerated, some of my students have parents who are dysfunctional beyond your imagination.  Some of my students have pain and hurts that I will never be able to comprehend.  They bring that to school.  They're expected to learn - a lot - and take tests and perform, when they aren't on grade level, when they're struggling emotionally, when they're too young to be able to say, I can't think because I'm hurting and I have to deal with adult stuff, but I'm just a kid.  I do everything I can - I try to give them love, structure, discipline, and safety.  I try to talk with them about who they are and how they're feeling, what is happening in their lives and I try desperately to give them some kind of education and future they can cling to. I try to support them and yet, also teach them and give them skills and tools for learning, as well as life. This job is not for the faint of heart.

I get to work by 8:30 stay until at least 4:30 and have approx. 20 minutes a day to eat and use the bathroom.  I'm supposed to have a 45 minute planning period every day, but twice a week that planning is taken up with meetings.  The planning usually ends up being about 25 minutes by the time you drop the kids off wherever they have to go and if there's no substitute - then I have my kids and no planning.  During the planning time you're supposed to grade papers, do any number of a 100 administrative tasks, call parents, write notes, make copies, review lesson plans and curriculum, etc. etc.  There is NO way on God's green earth that I could ever get all the tasks done that I need to get done in a 40 hour work week.  It is impossible.  I've tried.  I'm an incredibly organized, efficient, work smarter/not harder kind of person - anyone who knows me can attest to this.  I can literally get 100 things done in one day...but I can't walk on water or move mountains - even though on some days I try, hard.

I won't go into the outside stuff because I'm afraid of reprisal.  There are so many factors I cannot mention that make the job harder. SO MANY.

I will say this though - please STOP looking at me as if I'm a glorified babysitter or someone who just frolics with little children and reads and does crafts all day.  Please do not insult my intelligence, my education, training, experience and expertise by saying, "Aw, that's sweet" when I tell you what I do.  Please do NOT say, "Well, you do get allllll that time off."  Yes, I do, but I'm telling you now, I work more in 10 months than most people do in 12 for half the pay and respect.  I am quite honestly, one of the most intelligent, loving, caring and talented individuals I know and yet, I am paid half of what other folks I know are (aside from my amazing colleagues and friends who are also teachers or in education) with SIGNIFICANTLY less education, training or experience.  And you know what else I really am peeved about - please, for the love of God, stop saying that I should just do it because I love it and not expect a big salary.  Please.  No other job would be possible without my job.  I teach the basics - reading, writing, math, science and social studies (history/civics).  I have to be able to break down ANY subject to an elementary level, get them to pass tests, to think, to reason and to somehow learn independence and heaven-forbid a little creativity along the way.

It's physical, it's emotional and I make hundreds of decisions daily.  I deal with regular, systematic disrespect and in some cases, actual abuse.  "Society" loves to talk about how it values teachers, but overall, I'd say not.  Media loves to talk about all those creative teachers around the country that do special hand-shakes or give out toothpaste to their kids, who spend their own money, who sacrifice time with their own families/children to care for others, yet they also LOVE to point out the bad seeds.  They love to do stories on bad teachers and all the harm they do.  We aren't treated like professionals, we are treated like robots.  We are expected to perform miracles and a lot of times we do.  We really do - those of us that care - those of us that still love our kids, even though all the other "stuff" has threatened to break us more than once.

No one knows that there have been many nights I have laid in bed crying about a child, for a child, praying for a child, wishing I could help/save a child.  No one knows that there have been countless moments of true success and happiness that happen every day when I see a child "get it" or when I know they've connected something or applied something they've learned to real life.  No one knows that I talk about the kids like they were my own or that I sometimes wish they were.  No one knows how hurt and insulted and down right horrible I've felt because of what a parent/admin/or a coworker has said or done.  Sometimes the job hurts.  A lot.  Sometimes it's amazing and a gift.

I'm not "complaining" although it may sound like it.  I just wish that someone, somewhere would simply understand the pressures we face and realize that you will continue to have teacher shortages and fewer people going into the profession, as long as this "attitude" about teachers continues.  We aren't heroes, but we are human.  Please remember that.