I've not written in so long because life is, well, crazy. I am pretty certain everyone can say the same in one way or another! I wanted to share some things that have happened recently - even though I'm completely off social media - who knows who will even read this - but just gonna put it out there in the ether.
We had a long weekend - a Monday off - so I cleaned and re-organized the entire house. I threw out every single (in)fertility item I owned. All the tests, all the kits, all the goops and gels, and all of the drugs left over from IVF. Gone. Put it all into a plastic bag, tied a knot at the top and had my husband take it out to the large trash can outside - before I could change my mind. It's over.
I'm about to celebrate yet another birthday and I've made the choice to put the dream of being a mom to bed for good. To let it go like a beautiful fall leaf on a slowly churning river.
Several pregnancies around me and even a birth in the family and I'm so glad for them! I've decided that no matter who or what around me is pregnant/having new born babies - I will wish them well and send them love and prayers. I still won't attend baby showers and will only send gifts via some internet registry (not hand-delivered). I will ALWAYS be so happy that others are able to bring babies into this world in a traditional sense - I will forever have a dull ache and pang of sadness when I hear the news or when I see them waddling around full of new life. It's just like any other loss - it will never completely "go away" or fully heal. It's a scar that will fade, but forever leave a mark.
I've finally lost those pounds I've been saying I was gonna lose. I've finally started pursuing my Yoga Teacher Training (will be done in December - despite COVID and all!). I've finally paid off a lot of debts. I'm letting go of a dream, but I'm also achieving and still thriving.
Life goes on - whether we want it to or not - as we have all seen since March 2020 - little is in our control, but our hearts and minds.
Blessings 💓
