Life Goes On

After a scar is first formed, the body continues to touch up its work where it can - which is why scars fade slightly over the years when left alone. But scar tissue does not get replaced by this process, which means that most scars, when left to heal naturally, will never fully disappear.

I've not written in so long because life is, well, crazy.  I am pretty certain everyone can say the same in one way or another!  I wanted to share some things that have happened recently - even though I'm completely off social media - who knows who will even read this - but just gonna put it out there in the ether.

We had a long weekend - a Monday off - so I cleaned and re-organized the entire house.  I threw out every single (in)fertility item I owned.  All the tests, all the kits, all the goops and gels, and all of the drugs left over from IVF.  Gone.  Put it all into a plastic bag, tied a knot at the top and had my husband take it out to the large trash can outside - before I could change my mind.  It's over.  

I'm about to celebrate yet another birthday and I've made the choice to put the dream of being a mom to bed for good.  To let it go like a beautiful fall leaf on a slowly churning river.  

Several pregnancies around me and even a birth in the family and I'm so glad for them!  I've decided that no matter who or what around me is pregnant/having new born babies - I will wish them well and send them love and prayers.  I still won't attend baby showers and will only send gifts via some internet registry (not hand-delivered). I will ALWAYS be so happy that others are able to bring babies into this world in a traditional sense - I will forever have a dull ache and pang of sadness when I hear the news or when I see them waddling around full of new life.  It's just like any other loss - it will never completely "go away" or fully heal.  It's a scar that will fade, but forever leave a mark.

I've finally lost those pounds I've been saying I was gonna lose.  I've finally started pursuing my Yoga Teacher Training (will be done in December - despite COVID and all!).  I've finally paid off a lot of debts.  I'm letting go of a dream, but I'm also achieving and still thriving.

Life goes on - whether we want it to or not - as we have all seen since March 2020 - little is in our control, but our hearts and minds. 

Blessings 💓

The Breaks and the Shots

"Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots, but you have to play the ball where it lies." Bobby Jones

This was my view today.  70 degrees and sunny in December.  I'm not a golfer yet, but I'm a golfer's wife.  Some of you know that means you sacrifice many hours with your spouse to a game.  A game that means a lot to him for many reasons and one of the main ones being - he simply loves it.  It's something, believe it or not, I actually encourage him to do and majority of the time, really don't mind.  It's his sacred space.  It's a place where he decompresses and gets out the pent up frustrations of whatever his current circumstances or predicaments might be.  It's a spiritual practice for him and it's something I honor.  

Golf is a family tradition for him and something he holds dear to his heart.  It's something he wanted to pass on to our child.  And so today, while he carefully, quietly demonstrated, modeled and instructed our nephew on the putting green, I cried.  No one saw me.  It was a quiet, tears-slowly-rolling, kind of cry.  It was a cry from my heart.  A small sliver of the heartache we've endured and continue to heal from.  He will not teach (unless by some miracle) our own child this beloved game.  For a moment, it came rushing into the forefront of my mind.  Watching him, so patient and kind, caring and loving and knowing this is his true self and knowing this is a dream of his that has died, too.  However, a wonderful thing has come out of this, a new beginning for him as an uncle.

We are grateful for our niece and nephew and that we've been able to love and care for them and make them an integral part of our lives.  We are grateful for our family and the ways they've loved and supported us through all of this.  We are incredibly thankful that our family is a tight-knit one and one that truly "does life" together.  We could never thank them enough for the ways they've walked beside us through all of this.  It means more than we could ever say.

As 2019, which was not our best year, comes to a close, I reflect knowing that it was a year of struggle and yet, tremendous growth. We've experienced a lot of loss this year and sorrow beyond words - from our own dreams of a child to our very close, family member, Helen, who died just this month.  We've also had new beginnings in our careers and left behind old things that no longer served us.  We've begun again as a couple and a family and we continue to look forward to each day.  

Just as in golf, you win some, you lose some and it truly is how you play the game.  You can choose what you focus on and how you improve or don't.  The most important thing to remember is to breathe, set it up, and pray it goes the way you want, if it doesn't, you try again and learn from your mistakes. 

As we move into 2020 - I'm determined to live a life of joy, happiness and contentment, no matter the circumstance.  Things may not always (and perhaps majority of the time) be as I want or had hoped or wished, but I'm learning to let go of expectations of anyone or anything, and let things be.  I have no idea what 2020 will hold and I have a few things I've "resolved" to do, but most importantly, I'm going to live fully and be open.  

The End of Our (In)Fertility Journey

We began this chapter four years ago. Our wedding night - May 23, 2015. We tried. We wanted it, wished, planned and dreamt and paid (physically, emotionally, financially) for it, but try as we might, we couldn’t make it happen. 

When we first began - it was hopeful and exciting and just an amazing dream that we were certain might take some time because we were older, but would surely happen. After a year of “trying” on our own - we began the doctors appointments, the treatments, the drugs, etc. etc. Slowly, steadily  the doubt and the fear and the unsettling reality began to creep in.  This might be a lot harder than we thought and it might not happen. It invaded our private and most intimate time - it began to consume our thoughts, our conversations, our sacred spaces.  Like an insidious shadow- the slow death of our happiness and joy, the foundation of our marriage cracking, the bank account dwindling ... it just took over. Infertility.

We tried four IUI procedures, they failed.  We tried a cycle of IVF - we got one embryo, but it wasn't a "good" or "viable" embryo. We decided to try one more cycle - financially it was all we could do (and even that was quite a stretch) - we got three embryos that time, but none of them were viable.  Hearing the news was like a punch in the gut so hard you just hit the floor.  I was sitting in the parking lot at work - ready to start a new day - and when my husband called I could hear it in his voice - it was bad news.  I went in and did what I needed to do to leave - in a fog and through blurred eyes and choking on my own words - I managed to tell my boss I had to go and my coworkers that I was leaving.  I still wasn't quite sure how I was going to drive home...but I did.  I drove myself home and laid in my bed and cried and cried.  I wrote, I cleaned, I prayed, and I meditated.  I waited for my husband to come home and we spent the weekend crying and breaking down.  We spent the weekend in sorrow and doubt and worry and fear...but somehow we got up.

As with every ending, there is a new beginning.  This is where we are now.  The slow re-build.  The acceptance of the new "us."  The us that is even more committed to making a great life together.  Not that we wouldn't have been if we had gotten pregnant, but there's a deeper sense of urgency now.   We may not be parents, but we will be damn good partners.  We will be even better partners and friends than we were before.  We have begun to look at ourselves closer, at our decisions, our interactions, our day-to-day lives and see - where can we improve and do better?

For me, it means freedom to pursue new passions and new endeavors.  I had put so much on hold for the procedures and the appointments and the thoughts of  "when I'm pregnant" or "when we have a baby"....and in some ways there is a freedom in knowing it's over.  Knowing we can live our lives - the chapter has closed and now it's time to write a new one. We want to travel, we want to fulfill our "bucket lists", and most importantly we just want to love each other better and live our lives fuller.  In some ways it's a good thing to at least know that it's "over" and that we can get off the "maybe someday" or "maybe this time" roller coaster. 

In other ways, there's sadness.  Deep and unbearable sadness that could swallow us whole if we let it.  The death of the dream of parenthood and all it entails.  My husband keeps saying, I wanted to meet him or her, to know what he/she would have been like.  It hurts.  There's anger, bitterness, questioning, and this horrible knowing that you cannot fix it or change it and you have zero control over it.  However, majority of those feelings, for me, have subsided and now I'm just trying to deal with the pain and the sadness and figure out what to do next?

Those of you who have been through this kind of journey know it's an all-consuming thing.  That, for me, has been the worst part of it, it has taken over our lives and we have nothing to show for it.  Some people at least got to say, oh it was all worth it because now we have our baby.  We don't.  That makes it even harder for me.  I kept saying oh this will not be without purpose. So now, I want to find purpose in this struggle.  To learn what it had to teach me and to move beyond it, to a new chapter.

There will be those who will want to tell us to "keep the faith" and "hold on to hope" or "it could still happen",  and maybe it will and maybe this is just the end of the interventions.  I hope they're right and that I'm wrong in feeling the finality of everything. 

Either way - this is the surrender.  The acceptance of what is and sitting still in that and not letting grief completely take over. 

What we need right now is to be loved and cared for.  What we need now is continued prayers and positive energy and acceptance.  We need for others (and more so for ourselves) to accept that this is where we are.  To love us without condition.  We begin again.

I'm Not An Optimist...

I'm not an optimist, but I'm a pretty good dancer. I've tried, oh, how I've tried to become an optimist. Just like I've tried to be a morning person who greets life with a smile and hits the gym before work and does the prayers and the meditating before the real day has begun...yeah. No.  Someday maybe, but so far, it's not worked out that way. 

I have "The Power of Positive Thinking" in a full CD set and I've listened to it over and over.  I have countless books on how to change your thinking.  I've done meditations, prayers, read books and articles and been to hundreds of therapy sessions on how to change and rewire my brain from being negative to positive. I've had some success and I've made some progress, but overall, I'd say I'm still not an optimist.  However, this quote really struck me.  I've taken many steps forward and back in my life and although I've been knocked down a few times, I'm still standing.

As I type this I'm sick - again.  2019 was supposed to be "the year" and perhaps it still will be, but it's had a rocky beginning.  We came back from vacation and I thought I was pregnant.  I thought, wow, this is it!  All the hope, all the prayers, all the work and THIS IS IT!  We've finally done it.  I believed that I had let it go - like really - and that the reason I was pregnant was because I did finally "relax" and left all my hopes on the beach and entrusted God to just let it happen when I least expected it.  I believed that I really *did* just need to go on vacation!  All those folks who said that - all those well-meaning folks - were right!  Alas, it was not it.  I was late, only to find out that I was just that, late.  It was to put it into one small word: devastating.  Not because I wasn't pregnant (well partly because of that) but more so because I wasn't really done.  Oh, I thought I was done and that I had moved on and had truly accepted where we were and that I wasn't attached to the outcome anymore, but that was indeed, not true.

I fell hard back into depression in a way I haven't in a long time and not only was I mentally a hot mess, but then physically sick.  So I spent January trying to just get through the days without crying and trying to make different plans and trying to just breathe and let it go.  It's not cancer and nobody died I kept telling myself.  I kept trying to "no big deal" my own feelings and that was total bullshit.  So I finally let myself cry it out and feel whatever I needed and picked up the pieces and decided to try again.  Reset 2019 I'm calling it.

Might have to reset 2019 a couple times (insert laughing emoji) because just as I was getting back on track, hitting the gym again and back on my meditations and prayers and setting a new plan for our family planning - bam!  Sick.  Bam!  Setback in our plans (thanks insurance and constant hoops of fire, which I just cannot go into because it would be a book) for fertility interventions.  Bam! Work crap.  BUT, it's OK! And I'm not "no big dealing" my feelings this time - I am learning that these setbacks can and will be reset, just as they have in the past. 

Good news is - although I'm not an "optimist" still - I am quicker to go to the positive and to get back up after a fall and it gets easier the more I practice.  That is true progress.  I do eventually look on the bright side and I do eventually get down on my knees and pray it out and let it go. I do eventually laugh out loud and put on my dancing shoes and make the messiest of one step forward and two steps back  look like a wonderfully choreographed dance.  

Sad

"You have to go back to yourself, recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering, and you get relief.  And if you continue with your practice of mindfulness, you understand the roots, the nature of suffering, and you know the way to transform it."  Thich Nhat Hahn 

I've been thinking about sadness lately.  Why am I sad? What do I do with this sadness? How long ... etc. etc.

Truth is, I was so great when I wrote my last post.  I was back from a restful and purposeful vacation.  On vacation, I was intentional about my life and truly living in a mindful way. I was walking, praying, meditating, writing and reading every day.  I took breaks from people or situations when I needed to. It was a really good thing.  It was a time of real growth and a time to practice all that I've been learning.  I felt lighter and more self-assured when we first got back.

In the last week - things have been challenging. I don't want to go into all the details of everything, but it's been a series of setbacks and challenges that really knocked me down. From finances to friendships to feeling uncertain about the future and dreams - life just got "real" again, real quick.

So sadness fell over me like a heavy blanket.  Not a blanket of comfort or warmth, but one that felt suffocating.

I wanted to be real about it.  I want to let it out and talk about it because this is my journey and I share it with the hope that it helps someone else, as well as myself.  

I'm not going to stay in sadness, in fact, in some ways I already have felt it begin to lift, in the reminder of good friends who bring you coffee, who take time to talk you down from the ledge, in my husband and his constant care and love, and as always, my family.  I'm determined to live a grateful life.  

While, I'm not going to stay in sadness, I wanted to openly acknowledge it and say it's OK.  To myself.  To anyone who reads this.  Sadness is a part of life and it's OK to feel it. I'm going to feel what I feel and be OK with that.  I'm going to let it go, when it's time to let it go or let it go on it's own.  Either way, it will pass and knowing that is comforting and gives me peace.  I will continue to grow and learn that this is part of loving myself.  

Ungrateful

I've not written in a while on the blog because I've been on vacation and honestly, trying to unplug and decrease screen time as much as I could.  Unplugging meant not writing on the computer or checking emails too often, as well as, no Instagram or Facebook.   I don't even think I want IG or FB back, but I like promoting this little blog and sharing my observations and writings with others.  I've not yet reached quite the independent following I would like, so I've resigned myself to the idea that social media is still one place I can share my work and not have to peddle too hard.  

I spent the last two and a half weeks trying to rest and relax and do the things that give me peace and bring me joy (which is my word for 2019, will post more on that later). I've been taking time to breathe deep and look at the sky, the ocean, the sand, the nature around me, my husband and be grateful.  Grateful that I had a place to go that was sunny and warm and beautiful.  Grateful that I had paid time off with my husband.  Grateful that we were able to spend time alone together that was without distraction and the challenges of every day life or the stress of our jobs. Grateful for the daily meditation, prayer, walks on the beach walk, reading and journaling that I was able to do.  

Despite being on "vacation", there were a lot of moments 
when I was surrounded by people and places that were less than pleasant and in some regards quite toxic.  I took it as a time to reflect on how this made me feel, what my reactions to it were and how to practice self-control.  I also took this time to make some observations.  Here is what I observed:

1) When someone is not living in gratitude - in other words - when someone is ungrateful, they aren't capable of showing up completely for others.  What I mean by that is, when someone is busy complaining or nagging or bragging even, they can't really see what others need or how to help them. They also have a hard time relating to others in a healthy way.  They are self-centered, self-focused and driven to distraction by their own feelings/worries/fears, etc.

2) When someone is ungrateful they aren't capable of enjoying all they have, despite having far more than others.  

3) Money does not buy you happiness.  I have seen it with my own eyes.  People with multiple homes, cars, kids, and plenty of money to last them and their kids a lifetime, and yet, walking around angry, frustrated, sad, depressed and in all kinds of bad moods.  

4) Money does not buy you good health.  It can buy you good doctors, it can buy you good looks, it can buy you treatments, cures, health insurance, but it can't change your genetics, your DNA or your overall well-being.

5) People who are ungrateful just don't enjoy life!

6) People who are ungrateful often feel entitled to what they have and resent others for wanting the same things.

7) Last, but not least, I noticed that it is good to be in these types of environments and around people who are ungrateful and who are in fact extremely challenging if for no other reason than it reminds you of how not to be!  It also helped me practice my meditation, patience, and love.  It helped me to practice how to unplug from negativity, how to listen to and acknowledge others, but not agree. It helped me to use my healthy coping skills and mechanisms.  After all, what are these skills good for if they're not tested?

As we enter into 2019 - I encourage you to be grateful for all you have in your life and most importantly, who you have in your life!  Love and give energy to the people and activities that you truly enjoy and that are worth your time and energy and try to let the rest go.  Have an attitude of gratitude - expecting nothing - but appreciating every good thing you can! 

I Remember...

This is today's prayer on my daily calendar:

Dear Lord, I thank You that You have made Yourself available to me.  By simply drawing close to You, You will draw close to me.  I come close to You now and ask that You would give me a deep sense of Your presence.  Sometimes I feel that my life is too much for me to handle.  At those times I need to be close to You more than ever.  I need to hear Your voice speaking to my heart that everything will be okay.  Help me to see my life from Your perspective.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  James 4:8 

I've had a sort of "crisis of faith" lately...thinking, God, where are you?  Why are you answering all these other people's prayers and not mine?  God, what about me? God, are you even there?  Like a petulant child, desperate for attention, for my 'prize' and for my own desires to be fulfilled.  I'm not gonna lie, I've been pretty pissed at times too.  Resentful and angry and bitter.  I've been sitting here pouting like my students do when they don't get their way or when I don't call on them or when they neeeeeed to tell me something (like 'so and so looked at me wrong') and I can't get to them swiftly enough.  

I've come a long way on my life's journey in some aspects and in others, well, I'm still growing.  I was watching Michelle Obama on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday yesterday and she said, she's still becoming.  That blew my mind.  She's an accomplished person - amazingly accomplished - and she's risen above SO much and here she is saying, I'm still becoming.  In other words, her growth is still happening.  That's so powerful.  That just hit me like - whoa - if *she* is still growing and becoming more of who she is - then yeah, it's OK for me!

That brings me back to my point - my daily prayer brought me to tears because I needed that.  I needed a reminder.  How do I draw near to you? Gratitude.  Come to me with thanks, I heard.  I began naming out loud all of my blessings and saying, I am grateful for (fill in the blank).  My husband.  I am grateful for my husband.  How many years did I pray for him?  Long before I knew him, long before I ever went through that first marriage, long before I went through the divorce, long before I went back to therapy to get myself back together again....and here he is.  My prayer was God, please give me a husband that won't give up on me and who will put in the work, no matter what.  A husband who will be strong enough to stand up for me, and strong enough to tell me to chill out, strong enough to cry and to love and to be my man through and through.  A husband who won't leave and who is faithful.  A husband who provides. A husband who will erase the hurt and insecurity of all the years of abuse and suffering.  A husband who when he looks at me - it's not a question how much he loves me - ever.  He is here.   

Looking back over my prayer journals - I wanted to teach.  I wanted to be making this salary and have benefits (I'm getting more specific now :) and to have a home of my own.  I wanted a few good friends that would stand by me and laugh with me and pray for me and support me and that I could do the same for.  I wanted a small group of people whom I could love and who would love me.  I had prayed for the things I have now and so I don't want to take any of that for granted.  Although my prayers have been very different the last four years...I remember.  I remember a time that I had longed for all that I have now.  I remember God.  You are faithful and while I may not get all the things I "want" - I have all the things I need.  You are still here and You still love me.

God, help me to remember when I'm losing sleep, changing explosive diapers, and having very little time to myself...when I'm lugging a diaper bag instead of a pretty, designer purse and when my pants won't fit right or when I'm covered in some sort of baby 'stuff" - help me remember how I prayed and how I longed for him/her.  

Help me remember when I'm inundated with contracts and demands from editors, publishers, etc.  When I'm writing, writing, writing and collecting all those checks and having to organize all the demands upon my time. Help me remember when this was all I wanted.  

You are always with me and maybe, just maybe, that's enough.  

P.S. Thank you God for reminding me that the blessings of others are a sign that you are here and working and not that I'm not getting what I want and life isn't about comparison.  Bless them, be happy for them and move forward with your own vision and your own knowing and your own becoming.